Am I still ill?

This blog is moving but no need to cry...

2008-07-23T10:47:00.001-07:00

Just go to my shiny new blog at Wordpress, click on this link!

Making bloggie friends.

2008-07-21T03:44:00.000-07:00

Hi peeps. It is always nice when I get...out of the blue...an unexpected comment, and then take a little virtual trip over to their corner of Blogland and have a nose around. It has only dawned on me relatively recently that the best way to get your blog read is, first to link to other people as much as poss, both in the text and in the blogroll (frankly I still don't quite understand how they manage to link back to you but they do), second to read other people's blogs and comment, comment, comment.

You can lurk as much and as admiringly as you like around other people's blogs but you will only count as a faceless 'stat' unless you establish a presence there by commenting, if possible, on a regular basis. It helps if the blogs you go to are based around the same 'niche' or area of interest as your own, because in this way you become a part of an online community; become known to the other bloggers and regular commenters within it and get a feel for who among them particularly interests you.

As I've always said I am still very much a novice at the art of blogging. I am quite in awe of the many, brilliant young women bloggers there are... Dumped by a Hallucination and her many cohorts for instance but they have essentially grown up in a different world to the one I did. But I am loving the learning process, I have to say, and if I still have few comments, the kind Zania has helped me to understand that it is not necessarily a direct reflection on my general rubbishness.

It is true that it is indeed difficult to know what to say to someone who is going through extreme mental distress: that is one factor that might influence a lack of comments on depression blogs in general. But in my case there are other factors at work as well. I do need to be more blog-sociable, cross-reference more, link more, comment more, and as for the world of tagging and key words, that is still a complete mystery to me, but I'm confident I will get there in the end!

But the essential thing to remember in all this is that I love blogging. I blog because I thoroughly enjoy it, because I think the Internet in general and blogging in particular is one of the very best things about living in these times, and we might as well enjoy it. I don't blog entirely in the hope of having an appreciative audience, although naturally, that would greatly add to the satisfaction. I blog for the sheer joy of blogging and because now I've started, I really, really don't want to stop.

Take care all!

Still out for the count

2008-07-17T12:55:00.000-07:00

I've been ill with the flu and more or less out of action all week, any plans scuppered. Am hoping to get to Bonkersfest on Saturday, at Camberwell Green, South London, though. Anyway I've been interwebbing away today, hardly commenting or writing anything, just reading and imbibing others' wisdom. Been at SF Jane's for the last couple of hours, she is really something else. I am impressed by her to the point of paralysis. She is so alive, so intelligent and articulate. And the way she delivers the videos as well as the writing. And her story. OK, I'm just gushing now.

It may be partly the depression but I don't have a lot of self-confidence or esteem right now. I don't rate my abilities highly. I feel a little bit brain dead. Reading a lot of other people's blogs is good but there comes a point where I need to start doing something myself. Finding a way to frame my own thoughts.

I am still gutted that I had to go back on meds because I had a recurrence of mania. I suppose I felt that I would have to stay on them forever and that meant giving up hope of recovering by other means.

You know what? I don't know any of this. I don't know what the future holds. I feel too confused, ill and fog-brained right now to come to any clear conclusions. For me God or a Higher Power seems to be something I need in my life to have any sense of security, peace or equanimity. Chaos and mental torment have ravaged me of late. I still don't have my feet on solid ground.

Take care though...

Happier...but full of cold.

2008-07-14T05:23:00.000-07:00

Hi peeps. The OA Convention was an absolute blast. I enjoyed every minute. We were staying in the Birmingham Hilton, near the NEC, and there was a beautiful pool, sauna, steam room and gym which I took advantage of. A very uplifting gathering of the OA brethren, with lots of great meetings and speakers, telling us their stories and sharing their 'experience, strength and hope'. There was even a disco and karaoke on the Saturday, and would you believe this, I got up and danced! It's ages since I hit a dance floor and I remembered how much I enjoy it, even though most of the music was pretty cheesy.

The company of my friends was most enjoyable, and I managed to take a few quiet walks around the lake and do a bit of communing with nature too.

Was that ever what I needed!

However the air con was pretty fierce in the meeting rooms and I managed to catch a bug, my throat is sore, I'm all croaky, nose streaming and had to cry off work today. Knackered too.

But just after I had breakfast this morning my lovely son called. First time he has rung for ages. We had a nice chat. So that cheered me up hugely. And if I had gone to work as normal I would have missed the call. Ah well.

Lots of love, Zoe.

Hello sadness my old friend...

2008-07-10T08:08:00.000-07:00

Actually I feel a little more human today. Managed to get myself to work (thank God for work). Found that Seaneen had linked to my blog, so was happy about that. I do most of my blog reading and writing when I'm here. Anyone who hasn't already visited Pole to Polar I would recommend it as absolutely unmissable for anyone of a mentally interesting persuasion. It's always my first port of call when I've been away from the Madosphere for a few days.

Tomorrow I am going to Birmingham, to the Overeaters Anonymous Convention which is held in the Hilton Hotel. Driving up there with two friends from my local group. I was dreading it earlier in the week and wondering if I should give it a miss. So depressed and socially phobic it could be a real ordeal. But now I feel a bit better and I am far too mean to miss out: I've booked and paid, I won't get any of the money back if I don't go. Damn it, if the worst comes to the worst I will simply hole myself up in my room with a good book for the duration.

Have just finished 'The Reluctant Fundamentalist' by Mohsin Hamid, and started 'This Book Could Save Your Life' by A.M. Homes. Reading is one thing that is, mercifully, working for me at the moment. I need to feel the same way about housework now, and have a load of my son's old toys and games to unload onto a charity shop. At the moment they are sitting in the spare room and causing me distress every time I walk past to the airing cupboard.

Going to Dual Recovery Anonymous tonight. That usually does me a power of good. Twelve-step fellowships for people with mental health problems: there are plenty of arguments for and against. But the most useful thing about the meetings is simply being able to share openly and honestly without the need to hold back or feel in danger of being stigmatised or marginalised. In other words, it's peer support. We don't tend to bang on about the virtues of 'the Program' or working the Twelve Steps. Most of us are pretty much in a perpetual survival mode.

Thinking about going back to Manic Depression Fellowship Support Group meetings after a few years staying away. It would not surprise me if the name has changed since I was last involved.

I know this post is dull and lacklustre. It's how I feel. But I have to blog while I have the strength in my fingertips, as most of the time I don't really want to go near a computer right now. Love, Zoe.

Depression, anger and general fall-out.

2008-07-07T08:36:00.000-07:00

At work. Had a mixed weekend with some very difficult moments. Richard came over and I found myself struggling with big-time anger, resentment, hostility and so on. He did stay, for two nights in the end, and we watched the INCREDIBLE Men's Final at Wimbledon. We both calmed down. But I still feel fairly wrung out and exhausted from it all.

It's pissing down with rain today, which I usually find quite therapeutic. Being at work has helped me to feel more human, but I am still really wrestling with a sense of being sub-human, worthless, defective and so on. I also feel like an outsider everywhere I go. When I am well and reasonably positive I don't particularly aspire to having all the conventional trappings. (Marriage, kids, career). When I am like this I haven't the confidence to accept my difference. I am just full of the most painful envy towards others (even close friends) for what I perceive I lack.

It's horribly painful. I'm back at home now and have to deal with that too. But I'll get there. I've been reading Sally Clay's articles on her website (link on my blogroll) and drawing a lot of strength from that. There's a woman who's really and truly been there! More soon...Love, Zoe.

More info on the Unit.

2008-07-03T07:29:00.000-07:00

We are fortunate in my particular London borough to have a crisis unit. It consists of a large house (with a beautiful, large garden), big enough to take a maximum of eight clients at a time. All clients have their own bedrooms and share all other communal spaces: there's a comfy, homely TV lounge, a kitchen where we eat together and can make drinks or snacks anytime, an art-room/conservatory and a verandah where the smokers are allowed to indulge.

Lunch and dinner is provided by a cook, special diets (such as my veganism) are catered for and the food is very high quality and delicious.

All clients are assigned a named worker, but even when this person is not available, they can speak with someone else privately.

Unless there is a particular issue of risk clients are free to come and go as they please. In case there is a risk, it is agreed with such clients at the outset that they will leave the Unit only as agreed.

The service is designed for people with mental health problems either in need of respite or going through a crisis which nevertheless is not severe enough to require treatment at the hospital.

There is a weekly yoga class, and the chance to enjoy a massage. There are also relaxation sessions, staff talk you through 'grounding exercises', there is a community meeting once a week, and 'coffee mornings' to socialise. There is also an art and craft session, access to the internet and facilities to do your own laundry.

Most important of all one is treated throughout as if one is important. The food, the homely comforts and the harmony of the surroundings communicate a vital non-verbal message to that effect. The crisis unit is easily, in my opinion, the best mental health service in my borough. Another time I will tell you more about the hospital and what a way we have to go in terms of acute mental health care.

Last few days at Unit

2008-07-02T02:10:00.000-07:00

Hi dear peeps. Note to self: get a new computer and maybe a new ISP while I'm at it. My ancient 'puter is so slow to connect, slow to everything, and often disconnects itself without a by your leave. Further note to self: try not to think about the money I gave away to a ne'er do well while I was manic which could easily have bought me a beautiful new 'puter.

Am counting down my last few days in the Crisis Unit. Since I've been here I've struck up some nice friendships with a couple of other bipolar peeps, which has been good. Decided to start going again to the Manic Depression Fellowship (maybe it's called something else now). This latest episode of illness has humbled me. I was too arrogant and tended to think I knew it all. I've had to start over, knowing that there is always more to learn and that other sufferers are often the best teachers. It is also always a huge relief to remember that I'm not the only one dealing with this stuff.

The food here's been excellent, and just a little too plentiful perhaps. The rooms are a bit hot and airless, but there are fans. You can talk to staff when you need to pretty much. I have my review of stay tomorrow which my care coordinator will be coming to and will probably have an overnight stay at home tonight.

Most of the stay I have continued to struggle with depression, but I am definitely calmer and less agitated than before. Thank God for this place. It is everything a crisis service should be, the only drawback is that the maximum stay is two weeks.

Going to yoga class this morning. Take care all. Love, Zoe

The fog is lifting.

2008-06-25T09:20:00.000-07:00

Last two days have seen a vast improvement in my state of mind. I am getting back in touch with possibilities, with hope, with the idea of a future. The self-recriminations have all but gone from my head. That stale, repetitious drone of self-loathing has subsided into silence. I am already picturing a new life, making fresh footsteps into the virgin snow of the future. Shedding the weight of this inevitable and maybe unavoidable depression.

I have some useful new directions for the route, that are, if you like, a gift of this breakdown. I know I need to prioritise relationships and friendships. They are the hardest thing for me, and yet the most important. I cannot continue to avoid dealing with my intimacy issues.

Before I felt horribly trapped. Physically free but mentally and emotionally in a stifling, suffocating dungeon. I felt that my relationship with R is hellish but that I will never be able to make another, so I am trapped in hell. Now the fear is gone. I know once again that I have choices.

Take care all. Lots of love, Zoe.

Should I wipe this blog?

2008-06-24T03:29:00.000-07:00

That's what I was thinking yesterday. The idea had appeal then...I was very depressed and tired all day...but I slept well last night and am rethinking now. What appeals is the idea of making a completely fresh start. But perhaps what I also wanted to do is symbolically expunge the last three months, when everything I had so carefully and effortfully built up seemed to come crashing down.

Removing the blog cannot remove this chunk of my life and the unwelcome realities that it has brought to bear on me.

However, it's no longer appropriate to call this the blog of my withdrawal, as I have had to return to taking psych meds. It is the end of an experiment, an episode of my life from which I learned a lot and which was tremendously hopeful and exciting. I guess with all the benefits of hindsight I had too much invested in an idea. From the loneliness I feel in this depression I need to invest more in close relationships and less in ideas.

It's undeniably a blow to my pride not to mention my self-esteem. It's hard to distinguish the feelings of loss and mourning for my 'failure' from the biological imperative of depression following mania, but I know they are there.

Acceptance is calling me now. Calling me on because I know that there is a future for me and a life. I do not expend much energy contemplating suicide: I have been through this routine so many times before. I have been worse than this, a lot worse, and much more suicidal, but I demonstrated to myself that I could absolutely come back from that place relatively intact and live a good life. All the better for having been to hell, because there is that sense of benediction you get in a resurrection of sorts.

I have not really begun to sum up this experiment and what I have learned from it. I can't do it justice right now. I am grateful for the record I have kept of it here, and as thoughts and reflections on it occur to me I can write them down.

There is no guarantee that I won't have a relapse on meds, any more than there was off meds. I have had breakdowns on them, off them, and in the past they were often precipitated by stressful events. However I have been burned by this experience. For the time being I am on meds. I want to get into some therapy that is a good fit for what I need now, and I will continue to review, monitor and explore my feelings about being on meds as well as how the meds seem to make me feel.

Non. Je ne regrette rien! Zoe.

A prolonged whine.

2008-06-20T03:08:00.000-07:00

Well I will try not to just give vent to one of those, but can't promise anything. I'm not Ms Stoical, stiff upper lip. When it hurts I cry and prefer to have someone there to hear me!

This week, I have to say, the depression got worse. It's become angry and agitated. My thoughts are my enemy. Even in my sleep there is little peace, because the poison sneaks into my dreams. I couldn't go to work yesterday. I have redoubled my efforts to get into the crisis unit, and it seems the GP has finally sent the risk assessment over, I'm hoping I will hear from them soon, and that they will call me in for an assessment.

However. I have been eating sensibly, healthily and moderately, and enjoying my food. I sleep well. I have been reading Marjane Satrapi's Persepolis, which is a memoir in cartoon form. I listen to Radio 4 and get quite absorbed by that sometimes. I even watched a documentary on TV about the Orthodox Jewish community in Stamford Hill, North London. In other words I do get little windows in between the self-recrimination and harsh judgment of my own thoughts.

I went to my Dual Recovery meeting yesterday which was really good. We went for a coffee afterwards. It's the social contact that I need which at the same time feels safe, because everyone there has experienced mental illness. And I had a chance to share about how I'm feeling in the meeting. Openly and honestly and not having to hold stuff back.

Later today I'm meeting two friends at the cafe. Apart from that there's nothing that urgently needs doing. Good. Take care all. Love, Zoe.

webring

2008-06-16T11:59:00.000-07:00

This site is a member of WebRing.

To browse visit
Here.

A dreaded sunny day...

2008-06-16T08:31:00.000-07:00

...So let's go where we're happy and I'll meet you at the cemetery gates...

Well, the work day is nearly done, I've spent most of it tying myself in painful mental knots but at least I'm still here.

Spent quite a lot of time yesterday scanning various people's handy tips and hints for getting more comments on your blog. Also, reading other people's more successful blogs than mine. When I can get over the painful feeling of envy and inferiority that that engenders at the moment (because I am depressed and basically constantly looking for reasons to feel worse) I begin to understand ways that I can tweak what I'm doing here to make it more reader-friendly and more comment-friendly.

One thing I plead guilty to is not always having answered comments. Apologies to anyone I did that to. I just had not really mastered this aspect of netiquette. Secondly I need to make a point of visiting other blogs, finding some favourites, and commenting. When I comment it's best to have something pertinent to add.

I also need to add more links to my blogroll, and get into the habit of using links in my posts. Asking open questions and inviting comments explicitly is also a good idea. Up till now I've been using this blog mainly as a personal diary, with the aim of monitoring myself, but actually I really value the interactive side of things and want to get more involved in the online communities. As mental patient calls it 'the madosphere'. Hey I did my first link! Hope I got the url right. I'm still a novice at this game! No, stop the press, the correct link is mentalpatient.org.uk. I think!

I'll get there. Love, Zoe

Lonely, sad, needy.

2008-06-15T09:01:00.000-07:00

Another sad, Sunday afternoon. R has gone which is probably a blessing for both of us, since I am convinced I am annoying hell out of anyone I'm with and at least I can be miserable on my own with no one to account to for it.

The tendency to compare myself and my lot constantly with others is still there, playng havoc with my head. This week at least I am less inclined to blame R and project my stuff on to him, and instead am directing my ire at myself.

The self-obsession does not make me exactly riveting company no doubt, and the amount of comments on my blogs has dwindled from few to nil accordingly which feeds right into my sense of loneliness.

Overwhelmed by losses. Exhausted, and after a night's sleep wake up more exhausted still. It's almost two calendar months since I became ill. I guess I've just got to give it time.

Some 'me' time...

2008-06-14T07:11:00.000-07:00

...Pottering, baking bread, doing chores. Enjoying the house and some peace and quiet.

Only connect...

2008-06-13T13:22:00.001-07:00

Another better day today. Although I awoke feeling like crap I went to the AGM of a charity I am a member of and have done voluntary work for, called MATCH (Mothers Apart from their Children). It was a great tonic, it always is (I've been to the last two). It was down by Westminster Bridge, in the heart of Touristland. It did me a power of good seeing old friends and meeting new ones, and hearing the talk by a wonderful lady called Sarah Hart (www.sarahhart.co.uk) about letting go of guilt, caring for ourselves, doing our grieving and keeping the love (for our children) alive, and so on. She was a real inspiration.

Maybe I am getting better. If so, that is short for a depressive episode. I'm probably not out of the woods just yet, anyway we'll see. My referral to the crisis house is being processed but maybe by the time they call me for an assessment I might not need it any more. The panic and anxiety, the intense neediness and loneliness is subsiding. I'm focusing better. I'm taking pleasure in reading, eating and talking. I'm laughing more. It's all good.

People at the AGM who know me all commented on how well I looked, so I guess my year of living dangerously healthily has paid off. All those supplements I'm still shoving down my neck each morning.

Back to the gym this week. No more excuses! Apart from anything else it's money down the drain if I don't go.

Lots of love. Zoe.

Whither my self-esteem?

2008-06-12T07:31:00.000-07:00

Shattered and in bits. That's what a manic breakdown does to you. You have to start over. It all takes time, and the depression that follows mania isn't pretty. I've known worse. I've been suicidal, making plans. This time I don't even go there. I know this will pass. All the same, it is hideous.

The worst thing for me is the empty feeling of absolute neediness and dependence. I have nothing inside myself, no resources to buoy myself up. It is a horrible blow to my hard-won pride and self-respect to feel like this again.

HOWEVER. I went to work today. I've lasted the whole day, unlike the other day when I went home in the afternoon. I've completed a few routine, fairly simple tasks and been busy most of the day. Yesterday, likewise, I went to Learn Direct at the library and did two and a half hours worth of my course on Presentations. That was also an improvement on what I managed last time. I guess my concentration is improving, despite myself.

And I'm going to my Dual Recovery Anonymous group this evening. I missed it last week, couldn't face the trip across London. This week, despite myself, despite the pain, I am stronger.

I remember feeling OK and more than OK. I remember I had some rapid cycling mood swings but an underlying sense of well-being. I remember a sense of hope and excitement about this new phase of my life. I remember the delight I felt at being able to take my health into my own hands.

I can get all of that back. I repeat. I CAN GET ALL OF THAT BACK. Maybe I will have to take the blasted meds as well. But all those great things I was doing for myself are still just as important.

And I've got my CBT sessions to begin working on the relationship issues, the difficulties with intimacy. I've identified that as a priority area, if not THE priority area.

Love, Zoe.

Struggling with envy and odious comparisons.

2008-06-11T11:23:00.000-07:00

My friend has a new man. She has also lost a shedload of weight. She has tons of close friends. She is going to try for a baby. It's all quite difficult and painful for me, in the sorry state I'm in. She seems to have all that I feel I lack. She even gets along well with her mother and speaks to her on the phone most days.

She also has a serious mood disorder (unipolar depression) and is a recovering alcoholic. She has well and truly been through the mill over the last four years, and certainly deserves a break. But I can't really find it in my heart to be happy for her at the moment. I feel too sad for myself, as if her happiness somehow takes away from mine. Ridiculous I know.

This is a confession. I'm not proud of it. I have talked to her about it. She was understanding. She seems a far more accepting, tolerant person than I am. But there I go again. Feeling 'less than', perceiving her as 'more than'.

This too will pass. At least I bloody hope so. It's horrible to feel like this. Zoe.

Sad and serious post.

2008-06-11T02:09:00.001-07:00

I am alive. And while there's life there's hope. For God's sake, I've got my physical health and strength. I will survive this. In time I will get up from this corpse of my shattered self-esteem like Plath's Lady Lazarus and walk on. I'm beginning to remember that others survive far worse challenges. This, at least, is all in my mind. No-one died! I wasn't tortured or raped (thank you BBC World Service) and I haven't just survived a car crash in which both my sons died.

I look back at my life before this breakdown with longing. I have lost the innocence of my belief that I could cure this thing with a lot of hard work and just wanting it badly enough. It just doesn't work that way. My friends at Moodgarden don't want this disorder any more than I do. They have probably done their share of denial. After all, that is a part of the grieving process.

Even the lack of understanding and dismissive attitude of relatives is not uncommon. That is denial too. They don't want to take on board that one so near and dear can be a prey to this illness. It is too threatening to all they think they know. They probably have no idea how hurtful it can be to the person with the illness, who is then burdened further by the assumption that the illness is basically their moral weakness, almost a choice.

I have not been blessed with the backing and support of a strong and united family. And in my relationship I have tended to repeat that pattern, choosing someone who is only ever supportive up to a point and who, when the chips are down, I often feel abandoned by. That just means that I need to find and forge strong bonds with my own family of friends. That is not easy for me. My comfort zone is to be alone...until it becomes painful and distressing.

But it is OK to be where I'm at. Even if that's pretty much rock bottom right now. The dance of life is progress, and it really doesn't matter where you start from, the point is to be on the move, growing, developing, moving nearer the light, reaching out more and more to others, breaking down fear.

This is all quite sad and serious. Heck, I'm depressed. But I will rise again. Watch me!

Depression.

2008-06-07T01:56:00.000-07:00

It's two and a half years since I last had serious depression. It's a hideous condition. Depression that follows mania is even worse than the usual sort in my experience, because you have to deal with all the fall-out from what you did and said when you were manic. The embarrassment and shame alone could kill you.

I also have to accept that I cannot even carry on with the original raison d'etre of this blog, which was monitoring my life in withdrawal from and free of meds. I am now back on 1000mg Sodium Valproate, an anti-convulsant mood stabilizer.

Not sure whether this means I will have to change the blurb at the beginning of the blog. I think I will have to update it in some way. Otherwise people may come here and then feel short-changed when they find out I am not the dazzling success story that they were looking to read about.

I will have to find some other niche, or just create my own, Zoe-shaped niche, I suppose.

I'm really glad that I did write this blog, though. It's a very useful record and reminder of what life was like off meds. It was by no means all roses. The rapid cycling, milder moodswings were quite disruptive and unsettling. Though they didn't stop me functioning, they made things difficult. I think the Sodium Valproate does dampen those down. It dampens me down overall. This is a trade-off. It's always a trade-off...the side effects for more stability. I do need more stability than I had, even before this episode.

I still have few readers, but this is still early days. Blogging is not a skill that you just learn overnight. How to build an active blog, with comments and discussion, is a whole other thing than just keeping a diary, which has been kind of my mindset up till now. Maybe it's as well. By the time I do develop a readership, there will be an interesting (hopefully!) archive to look back at. On Wordpress, they do that thing 'Posts that I want you to read'. If/when I make it over to Wordpress that would be a useful tool, and encourage me to make more of a conscious effort over some entries.

Depression is awful, excoriating, soul-killing. But I'm already starting to look forward. Optimism and hope will return. I am good at that. Maybe I even have a talent for it, but it's one I've had to use to the fullest, in this life. Even depression, it doesn't actually kill your soul. It just feels like it does. It can't hurt you. Maybe it even has a weird kind of function, one which eludes most of us. It's part of the rich tapestry.

Take care all. More very soon. I'm blogging a lot just now, also over at Moodgarden. People there are great at times like this, so supportive, and it feels safe and protected. Love, Zoe.

Oh dear.

2008-06-06T02:47:00.000-07:00

Depression. It's been a long time since I renewed my acquaintance with this old enemy. Where were you all that time? You peeped in the window and a few times chased me around my living room but were usually gone within a few hours. This is the real thing. The real deal, when you know what you are in for when you go to bed. You know you will awake with dread in your heart at the thought of the day ahead. Sleep is the only release, and it is almost too comforting. The contrast with reality is all the more stark and horrible.

Self-confidence is a distant dream. I feel permanently guilty and worthless. I am overwhelmingly needy and dependent but I spend most of the time alone because I can't face social interaction.

I will have to, when this is over, start over. Find new hope and life. I've always been so good at making fresh starts. Just as well, because how many have I already had to make?

I'm just glad I don't have to do anything and that no-one is depending on me. Crying over my keyboard. Have been down on my knees praying to a silent God. My faith is shattered to tiny bits. With all the effort I made I thought I must surely stay well. That isn't how it works.

Struck down by the Big D.

2008-06-05T04:57:00.000-07:00

Have sunk into Depression Proper since the weekend. The contact, with all it's emotional content, triggered a lot of stuff, but in any case, I was going that way. Am labouring under a ton of grief, well actually, I've keeled over under the weight of it. Even more or less took to my bed today. Cancelled one meeting which was going to be too challenging (with J's social worker and manager) and now only... only! have to go for a dental check-up. Pretty much every task I have to accomplish is a source of dread, especially social engagements.

But it's hardly a surprise. It is the nature of the beast. The hard part is accepting that, yes, I am still ill, that despite all my efforts to keep a healthy mind, body and spirit, I still had a breakdown. Am now back on 1000mg Sodium Valproate (Epilim). Have not entirely gone full circle to this time last year. But am still absolutely gutted.

I did, however, manage to do one and a half days back at my voluntary work. That really helped, though obviously it wasn't easy going back. Routine tasks and working for a concern bigger than myself, as part of a team, is one of the most therapeutic things I can do. Also managed some yoga. Gave up smoking early last week. Am eating healthily and not too much. But the sadness feels bottomless and overwhelming. All the losses. Because of this illness.

Take care all.

Contact with my Boy...

2008-06-01T12:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday had our afternoon with J. It went really well. However I was a bit hypersensitive because I am recovering from an episode, and I overreacted (afterwards) to a few things he said (about my weight and my frisbee-throwing!) Kind of exploded at Richard in the evening. He was very restrained really, considering the state I was getting in. I was just emotionally overwrought and found the whole thing...the contact, my Mum's presence in my house, the depression, all too much.

However as I say it was a good contact. Enjoyable, quite relaxed, and for once we didn't have to drive for miles. It was nice to take J back to a place that he remembers well from his younger years, with us.

But I am having to readjust to life on earth. When I feel low I think, oh this is it, I'm in for months of this now. When I feel OK I am half waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't entirely know what to expect. This episode hasn't been typical so far, so I don't know how much I will be affected by the depression. Some, though, is pretty much inevitable. I'm also grieving for my good mental and physical health, for the feeling of well-being, optimism and self-belief that I had when I was completely on the programme.

I can get back to it, but I have to face the fact that even with the yoga, the meditation, the careful nutritious sugar and caffeine-free diet, all the supplements and all the exercise at the gym...oh and the 12-Step Fellowships...I STILL got ill.

Despite this being the Blog of my Withdrawal from the Dread Meds, I now find myself back on Depakote. I'm seeing the doc tomorrow and will negotiate for a lower dose but I think I will stay on it for the time being and observe how it seems to affect me. Whether, for instance, it sorts out the rapid-cycling but mild moodswings that were routine before the psychotic episode.

Am supposed to be back to my voluntary work tomorrow. I know that will not feel easy. I will find it hard to face them. But once I've overcome that initial barrier it should get better.

Take care all! Love, Zoe.

Heartache.

2008-05-30T07:42:00.000-07:00

We have contact with my son tomorrow. I talked to his foster mum on the phone today and it wasn't a good conversation. I wanted to ask her opinion about whether Jasper would be OK to come to the house, as he had expressed a desire to look through his old things. I also wanted to register with her my idea that instead of him phoning us we could be allowed to phone him (at specific times). None of it went down well, in fact she seemed put out from the first minute when I said we wanted him to come to London this time.

Previously we have always gone down there (to Hertfordshire), and it's quite a long drive, plus the further drive to wherever we have decided to go. The foster mum did seem to emphasise when I spoke to her last week that it would be OK for him to come to London, one of them will bring him on the train. It's a lot quicker by train. So I was a bit non-plussed when she sighed in an irritated kind of way. Then the conversation just went even further downhill.

It's the first time she has been like this, and it came as a bit of a shock. What is more important is that we are not getting any phone contact and she seems to think that us phoning there will put more pressure on Jasper, and that, as he is doing well lately, she doesn't want to risk it. He basically finds it easier to keep us in a separate compartment. That is how he copes.

I felt that I was a) being a nuisance b) being unreasonable c) somehow a monster by implication, because my son feels better not contacting me. And I know those reactions are a little over the top, but I have been hurting all day. I'm recovering from a breakdown as well, and definitely more insecure as a result.

As I was blogging this I got a phone call from Jasper's social worker who is a nice chap, well-meaning. I asked if we could arrange to meet and we set it up for next week, also with his manager. I have written the manager a letter detailing the concerns I have. It seems though, that the manager has already decided to say no to any changes in the phoning arrangements. I will just have to say well what can we do then?

I am somewhat dreading my mum arriving, somewhat dreading the contact and the weekend in general. It will probably not be as bad as I fear just at this moment.

Psychosis as Wish Fulfilment

2008-05-28T12:16:00.000-07:00

Today I'm going to try titling the blog AFTER I've written it. Gives me a chance to work up some inspiration and find out what I'm mainly thinking of today.

Today was a successful day. Cleaned my room, then went to yoga, then to my computer class, then a bit of shopping, chatted to a friend then caught the Tube to Covent Garden and went to see Marjane Sartrapi's Persepolis. Absolutely brilliant...a cartoon (beautifully and movingly drawn) memoir of her life growing up under various Iranian regimes as well as a spell in Vienna and ending up in Paris when her parents more or less told her to leave Iran and never go back (for her own sake)...there was no upbeat, resolved ending, it ended very abruptly actually when she arrives in Paris. I'd been wanting to see that for ages, so I'm really glad I got myself there. It's one of the joys of living in London that I can choose from a seemingly infinite number of films and different cinemas. Nothing better on a damp afternoon like today than disappearing into another world for a few hours.

Hmm, was actually reflecting on the reasons for my psychosis, if indeed there can be said to be reasons. I don't mean triggers, I just mean the underlying psychological motivation for taking as it were a holiday from reality as she is commonly understood. I've got to talk personally, because I only know about me, but there is a lot about reality that I find very hard to stomach. One thing I find hard to stomach is old age and death (oh, don't we all?) Another is the separate existence of all these other humanoids. Apparently just like me, with their own set of thoughts, feelings and impulses. And therefore, to me at any rate, threatening. Then there's all the shit that goes on. People hurting and killing other people. So-called acts of God like earthquakes which hurt and kill thousands albeit in a purely impersonal manner.

The nature of my particular psychosis is that I have the delusion that I am (more or less) God, that therefore I have the power to end the cycle of birth, pain and death, bring Heaven on earth, see instantly into the depths of any human being's soul, etc etc. It is one hell of a powerful wish fulfilment! At the time it feels very real and significant.

Up till now I was ashamed to state the nature of my psychosis so baldly but, I don't know. If you see it as an escape from harsh reality, a prolonged waking dream, the ultimate wish fulfilment, maybe it's not so hard to understand. There's a lot of people outside the pub of an evening when I go past. A lot of them drink habitually to dull that ache. I don't feel the need to do that, but maybe my periodic bouts of psychosis serve somewhat of the same function.

Take care all. Love, Zoe.

Am probably moving to Wordpress...

2008-05-26T11:51:00.001-07:00

...that is if I can work out all the tecchie bits and bobs over there. Have set up a blog there and imported all my posts from here, but then noticed that my blogroll there was empty and also that I couldn't figure out how to add a new post! I know...pathetic!

Well had quite a nice weekend with Richard. He stayed over two nights as it was Bank Holiday. It's been pissing down yesterday and today. Yesterday had a bit of a mood wobble a propos of nothing in particular. Suddenly felt really low, needy and desperate for reassurance. It lasted approx two hours. It just went away by itself.

In the old days I was classic Bipolar 1. After maybe six or eight weeks of out of control mania I would slowly but surely descend into at least two or three months solid depression featuring suicidal ideation.

This time has been very different. Yeah, I have been prey to deluded thinking. Yeah I have done a few things I now regret. However none of them was dangerous or really destructive, I didn't become promiscuous or have any inclination to. I didn't really enjoy the mania. Actually I noticed very many physical symptoms which often eclipsed the mental stuff. I was a lot more aware of what was going on.

And now that I am very much touching down back where I was before all this kicked off I note a so far complete absence of the kind of protracted severe depression I used to succumb to. Frankly I am amazed and exhilarated by this realisation. However I am still subject, as always to unpredictable moodswings, witness my wobble yesterday.

Next on the agenda: give up this appalling smoking. I give myself no more than a week to do that but hope I can kick it in the next few days. I want to have finished with the Weed by next weekend when I see my boy. He hates me smoking. Hell, I hate me smoking.

Then, item by item, I will reinstate all the things I was doing before back into my life. Take care all. Love, Zoe.

Domestic mortality...

2008-05-24T07:53:00.000-07:00

...as opposed to Nigella's Goddess. Been cleaning, cooking, baking bread, shopping, washing, oh you know the drill. Saw the Crisis Team this morning and tried not to wind them up too much. Bit tired. Still not got gym-energy back.

Back to my pernnial moan: waah, everyone has more readers than me, and right now do not have the energy or the ingenuity to do anything much about it.

Listening to James Bond on BBC Radio 4. It's a clevering-up treatment of a genre that usually leaves me cold, which I've found quite listenable.

Looking forward to Richard coming over. Run dry of ideas for now...Love, Z.

Hello lovelies!

2008-05-23T04:44:00.001-07:00

I can hardly contain my probably unseemly delight that no less a personage than Jane has linked to me. It feels as if I have suddenly and unexpectedly achieved a lifetime's ambition after years of poorly-rewarded effort. Watch out Zoe, she linked to you, but probably got you mixed up with someone else! She can unlink when she reads your shameless grovelling comment on her blog, that let's face it, is only there because she linked to you!

Oh hell, I know how ridiculous I am! Now I feel I have something to live up to, and I have that feeling that apparently a lot of people in high-powered jobs have, that it's only a matter of time before 'they' find out.

I'm no good at being something I'm not so I just have to gulp, bite the bullet and carry on with the usual ravings my mostly non-existent readers have come to know ( if not love) me for. Anyway, as I noted on my Moodgarden blog (yes, there's more of this over there under username 'Stricken' for anyone who just can't get enough! You have to have a mood disorder and join first though!) I am narcissistic in the extreme. I am so 'up' myself that probably people are just struck dumb or incorrectly deduce that I don't require their reflections or comments.

Anyway, back on Planet Earth...I am quite perky today (even more so now of course!) As I might have said before, this episode is nothing like previous ones. I have got to say it, all my efforts to treat the illness holistically, by means of yoga, meditation, careful diet (and veganism), exercise and a highly structured lifestyle HAVE paid dividends. I am really a transformed person. Listening to Mary J Blige 'No More Drama' on my Ipod and she is pretty much mirroring where I feel I'm at in my life. Soap operas, even real-life ones, have very limited appeal for me. They are just not nearly real enough. The kind of blogs that drivel on about MIL's visit (Mother-in-Law for the uninitiated), OK, I'm sorry, they often seem to garner a lot more readers than I can muster, but, in Morrissey's words 'I was bored before I even began'.

The Soap of Zoe and her phantasmagorical inner and outer life is what fascinates me. OK I might have a job persuading anyone else to be equally interested but at least I'm levelling with you dear and most cherished readers.

But I've harassed you enough for one day. Take great care until the next time...Zoe.

Hello oh thankless blog!

2008-05-22T01:47:00.000-07:00

Yes blog, you are a little thankless. All the literary efforts I pour out here and they are apparently hardly read let alone appreciated! It's almost embarrassing how few readers I seem to have. What is more, blog, while we're at it, sometimes you don't even let potential readers access you. Why blog, why?

I seem destined to struggle on in almost total obscurity. And never to meet that Perfect Partner that I raved so psychotically about in my last entry.

Heard the song that goes 'If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with'? Well that is the story of my life. However I'm feeling a little old for that philosophy, and getting pickier all the time. My so-called psychosis doesn't help. I daren't tell you in bald terms what my biggest and most grandiose delusion is. Any readers that I've accidentally garnered would no doubt scuttle off in fright if I did. Let's draw a veil.

I've developed a sort of tunnel vision in the course of this episode. I hardly look to left or right. There is very little pleasure in my life. OK, that's part of depression. But the mania wasn't any fun either. I'm pretty much completely anhedonic. I enjoy (sometimes) smoking a roll-up, eating and sleeping. The last, only because there is no consciousness. I don't wake up depressed. I am still a morning person.

This episode has resulted in an almost complete personality change in many other ways though. I mean, smoking! After three years 'clean'! Eating shedloads of sugar! After being Patrick Holford's Number One disciple. Drinking coffee again...ooh how lovely it is to have the license to do that!

Still have my gym membership but not the physical or mental strength to get down there just yet. My life is still struggling to right itself, like one of those toys with weight in the bottom. However I did get to my yoga class yesterday and managed to do the whole practice which I was pleased about.

Still have the Crisis Team coming round which feels more like a duty I have to perform than something I actively take spiritual sustenance from. But they have acted in good faith throughout so I must return the compliment.

Am attending Dual Recovery Anonymous meetings which are more than a duty. However, do find going all the way into central London a bit of a trial to the nerves. Try to shelter behind the armour of my Ipod as best I can. Am simply overwhelmed by the utter futility of most people's lives. Which is sort of a reversal of the usual depressive story...where it's your own futility that overwhelms you most. I am still meekly waiting to inherit the earth...'if that's all right with the rest of you'.

I know, I'm grandiose, psychotic, lacking in insight. There's nothing you can tell me about that that I don't know and worse, have to live with every day. Pity me, don't judge I beg you! I have given up on fitting in. I never will. I'm not normal and believe me I really have given it my best shot.

Take care dear peeps. Love, Zoe.

Mama's got a brand new bag...

2008-05-17T21:15:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I spilt orange juice all over my last one (brown leather). This one suits me better so 'bye-bye'. What can I tell you? Been sleeping a lot better. Have done crack once in a week which I reckon amounts to moderation. Am cooking, eating better. My Ipod still helps me get through the days. Whivh are far too long. Only really happy when I'm asleep, hey, you know the drill.

This episode is different, so very different from previous ones. Still addicted to listening to music, whereas usually once I'm depressed I don't want to know. Can laugh and smile with the right people. Don't feel ugly and worthless most of the time.

I feel powerful. I know I am powerful. They say that's the biggest aphrodisiac but maybe that's just men because I'm finding it has the opposite effect. Can't get a new man in my life for love or money. In the meantime Richard is a treasure. It's just he's only with me twice a week. When he leaves I plummet down again.

Tocay I plan on going to the Farmer's Market to get some fresh local produce. Generally getting back into the old routine but minus the self-pressure to get a job etc. It doesn't matter a tuppenny damn whether I work or not. Get back into my spiritual practice too. My fellowships. Keep lighting the candles, burning the incense and hope that Higher Power will have pity on me eventually and bring that new man into my life. The one who will be powerless to resist!

Love you...Zoe.

Mood check on a scale of 1 to 10...

2008-05-15T00:05:00.000-07:00

Hi peeps. Yesterday was pretty shit as I felt myself start to plummet down. However Richard was here and that cheered me up. This morning I feel a bit better. Still generally despairing about my single status. In answer to your question Jana, yeah for sure I want and need a life partner. I'm 46 for God's sake. And menopausal! That's a lot of years to be on your own.

Have upped the ante on the healthy diet. Now have much fewere sweets. No need, as I no longer have that permanent awful taste in my mouth.

Thanks to Richard's son I've now got a recharged mobile phone so hopefully some of my friends (so-called!) will rally round. I can absolutely never depend on that though. When depressed I have the effect on people of a magnet in reverse. They are repelled without even realising it. And when high, oh don't they all love to crowd around and have a good laugh.

Moodgardeners who make it here, I tried to blog at Moodgarden just now and was told in no uncertain terms that I could not blog there. Wonder what that was about? Am I considered a dangerous subversive in those parts for being part of the withdrawal community? Doubt it. The MGers are far too nice to engage in that kind of exclusion. Anyone who comes here can access the blog at MG, but you have to be bipolar or depressed, and join first. My user name is Stricken.

Good thing I've got this place anyway. Thanks to Gianna at Bipolar Blast for her very kind and helpful message of support by email. Love you all folks...Zoe.

Calling Interwebbers anonymous...

2008-05-13T23:17:00.000-07:00

Hi there. Checking in for the day. Had a much better night's sleep thanks to the doc's advice yesterday to take my Zyprexa last thing. Consequently feel much fresher, and have had a nice bath and breakfasted on wheat-free toast and black coffee. Still Ipodding away. Determined not to let any of youse fuck up my day!

Admittedly it's lonely in my little house all alone. Even the Crisis Team come as a welcome relief, especially now they've decided to actually start helping me instead of firing off irrelevant and inane questions. An Occupational Therapist even came yesterday and helped me a great deal by making constructive suggestions about how to best pass the time. I followed his advice to go for a walk in my local park, Alexandra Palace. Enjoyed nature, seeing happy mothers with their babes and an orange ice lolly in the shade when I got to the top, at the boating lake. He also sensibly told me to leave my fags at home, and I did that too.

What do I have to complain of? I am sure you can hear that 'but' coming! Well same old same old. I'm lonely. I would like a full-time partner, and would even consider trading in Richard for a new model, as neither he nor I wants to live together. Everyone needs someone! I ain't no nun!

Don't get me wrong. Richard is an absolute treasure, and without him I quite simply would not have made it thus far. He's kind and decent to a fault. But my friend Angie says 'he is Immanence and I am Transcendence. He is stronger than I am and squashes me flat in any dispute. Plus he has the trump card of being able to leave me with equanimity. he loves me to bits but we both know that we are not life partners. And he has a roving eye!

Angie also gave me a new phrase to conjure with. She said that she has 'Gemini Status'. Made being born in June seem like a disease! I thought that was very funny and clever and immediately started to talk about having Gemini Status myself despite being born in unlucky old Pisces! What it implies first and foremost is the feling that you are a two for the price of one. Also, that you have a twin who you may or may not know. In Peter Cook's words, 'Tragically I was an only twin'.

Waxing philosophical here. Well it makes a change from talking about the blasted laundry. I have aspirations to develop a reputation for reliability, dependability and being ultimately a very down to earth person. Coulfd have my work cut out, 'cause none of the planets in my horoscope are in Earth signs, not one. Correction, my Pluto is in Virgo, but so is that of millions of other, because Pluto moves exceeding slowly. Oh Zoe I hear you groan, you don't believe all that stuff do you? Put it this way, I'd like to. Astrology makes life seem so simple. I devour astrology books in the same way other women devour Mills and Boon romances.

Enough Thoughts for the Day for now. I'm off to smoke another skinny roll-up. I now look pregnant by the way from all the sweeties. God make me whole and healthy again. Amen. Love you! Zoe xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Well hello Internet!

2008-05-12T23:00:00.000-07:00

All these secure web pages would make a lesser person impatient if not frankly honicidal but we vegans are made of stronger stuff! Did you know? That vegans make good body builders and marathon runners? Zoe's Thought for the Day.

How am I today? I'm really f****** good actually since you ask! I feel fucking amazing. See if that one makes it on to the Net. The Man can't ban me, the waves can't silence me, I'm out of the motherfucking closet screaming Hi honeys I'm home! And the policemen in England are my friends, har har har!

Scuse the dodgy cackling but what do you expect of a menopausal minx living in Horny Hornsey North London? Listening to hard core hip-hop fresh from the ghetto until her shell-like ears bleed?

Revealing myself to myself seems to be the order of the day and as I believe in focusing on the job in hand that's what I'm gonna do. Delusions of grandeur are a thing of the past. If I ever get that stack of ironing done though, just nail my head to the ironing board because my effing life is short too iron!

Emptying ash-trays, making black coffee, cooking dinner from raw veggies, shopping for provisions and upping the ante on my healthy diet are mainly what I'm about 'Just for Today'. A also mindfully light incense and candles but rarely get round to any meditation. I'm more of a contemplative by nature. Sometimes my own reflection tells me just what I need to know, and if that makes me guilty of 'Narcissitic Personality Disorder' then it's a fair cop Guv. I'm on the money and in England that's the Queen's head we see.

I love you all dear readers but better 'fess up. I love myself even more.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

It's just all moan moan moan....

2008-05-11T18:49:00.000-07:00

Poor me! Can't sleep and personality appears to change by the hour if not by the minute. Takes absolutely forever to get connected to this internet thingy and all. But suppose I should check in with you lot anyway. If only to have a bit of a rant.

Y'see, sometimes the battle's not over even when it's won. Sometimes it gets worse AFTER it gets better. That is truly soul-destroying. Sometimes you seem to be taking one step forward and two back. Sometimes...

Me boyfriend is puzzled. I can't explain myself to myself let alone to him. Expecting a rational explanation...well frankly he should know me bettr than that by now, but I appear to have just contradicted myself.

Doctor doctor, no-one understands me! I think I'm a pair of curtains... 'Pull yourself together'.

I am up at half two in the bloody morning and getting uglier by the minute as I dismally fail to get the required beauty sleep. Still they expect me to listen to all the pop music din with equanimity. I ask you...how can anyone? My disguise is just not cunning enough and I just might be the real slim shady.

But Zoe, NO-ONE listens to Eminem anymore. We have so moved on! He's cold product.

How about bourgeois bohemians living in Hornsey North London practising yoga, meditation and partaking in twelve-step fellowships? With a kid's future to think of, vegan to boot (though at the moment I am stuffing sweets down my gullet like there's no tomorrow). Well? How many of them listen to Eminem? Oh and I'm forty-six and menopausal, that ups the weirdness stakes even more.

Admittedly my life has become unaccountably more colourful of late. Have spent the afternoon in a police cell in Hornsey after smashing a pane of glass in the front door of a friend of mine who I was smoking crack with. Next day I collapsed in the street and had to be ambulanced to the local hospital (physical this time). All tests came back normal. BUT I'M NOT NORMAL!

And then there's this blog. On the rare occasions when the internet condescends to let me access it I notice the phenomenal level of silence here...With all my literary gifts I can only capture a small handful of kind readers who probably feel more sorry for me than anything else. But if you are good at reading between the words, you will notice I have a fuck of a lot to say! Other people go all around the houses. I get to the point! Is that the problem we ask ourselves? Well it's probably the same one Eminem had. Or whatever he calls himself these days.

Have now joined the Ipod generation thanks to the strenuous efforts of my beloved Richard. Intend getting into my bubble and refusing to let anyone bother me very much at all in the next few weeks. If that's alright with the rest of you.

Love and hugs...despite everything...and all comments welcomed. Even the dodgy ones will probably tell me something. Zoe.

Here at last!

2008-05-08T02:41:00.001-07:00

Wherever the on the road back leads to folks...

Hello dear peeps!

2008-05-02T00:20:00.000-07:00

Although actually you are in disgrace and persona non grata with me because you haven't been commenting again. How very dare you as we say in England!

I have been admitted to psych ward in the intervening coupla weeks since we last spoke. Managed to do only a single solitary hellish week before getting sprung out of the goddamn place. Pretty good huh?

I live not just a charmed life but a pretty funky one and one that simply demands to be shared with you lot and the world in gerneral. You would not believe some of my adventures, fact is stranger than fiction and the biggest miracle of all is that I am sat here typing away at my blog after literally yesterday being banged up in a psych ward.

How are all my mythical readers anyway? Please let me know I am not typing all of this in vain. Have pity? Even a Smartphones blogger from Brazil is better than nothing and beggars can't be choosers.

Please my honeys. Email me if you know my email. I daren't give it out though. Love you... a recuperating, Zoe. xxx

Changing my name!

2008-04-18T08:25:00.000-07:00

Well actually, I want to change my blog name. On the road back is not only boring, dull, unoriginal and uninspired, it's already been done! By someone on a blooming weight loss program! I probably shouldn't say this here, but, well, her whole blog consists of what she has and hasn't eaten! After reading that I went even more off my blog title than I was before. Something must be done!

So I had a little solo brainstorming session and haven't come up with the perfect name yet, surprise surprise! 'Am I still ill', after the celebrated Smiths' song was a possible, but I thought it was a little on the negative side! Oh what's in a name...

Am blogging from work again. Ironically seems to be the only spare time I have to write this blog. After work I thought I would go to the Phoenix in East Finchley (wonderful independent cinema) to see the new Mike Leigh, 'Happy go lucky'. A nice blast of positive lightness just what the doctor ordered.

Actually I've had a good week. Despite things going pear-shaped yet again with Richard I feel happy, positive, reasonably stable. More confident. Definitely more confident. And in the Spring a middle-aged woman's thoughts turn to lerve, do they not? That's a young man? Now you're being both sexist and ageist...

The very words middle-aged do not factually describe a state, you will notice. Let's face it I can no longer call myself 'young' at 46...yet the words 'middle-aged' carry a baggage of secondary meanings, or should that just be 'a baggage'.

My best female friend has a new love in her life. It's early days but frankly, I want a piece of the action too! Got to pack up it's nearly home-time... All ideas for a blog title will be gratefully received and absolutely no prizes for the winner! Love you... Zoe

Good Lord!

2008-04-16T12:41:00.001-07:00

Someone from a Brazilian blog promoting 'Smartphone' commented on my last entry...nice comment, shame about the blog. Not that I could understand it, it might be the deepest postmodern irony for all I know...Then again can beggars be choosers? Well OK, just for the record, comments are great but if you are selling something, don't bother! Thinks, did I mention phones in my last entry? It reminds me of those Orange mobile ads you get at the cinema...'Lord of the Ring Tones'.

Anyway, down to business. I have had a good few days. Had an almighty row with Richard at the weekend (anyone discerning a pattern here?) Was completely overwhelmed and overpowered by my feelings of frustration and hopelessness about our relationship. Seemed to have little choice but to watch myself turn into that all-too-familiar monster once again. It reminded me of past relationships when I was (even more) immature and just fell into the wrong kinds of connections which made me feel stifled and trapped. I fear that more than almost anything else, and in fact in later years the choices I've made in relationships reflect the need to feel free and independent even though the reality is, I'm not. Hence, I've never lived with Richard. He has always stayed in his house and I in mine.

Well now that I'm doing CBT perhaps I am less inclined to analyse why I feel that way and more to look at the processes and mechanisms that tend to create those feelings with a view to stopping. Certainly, after my last sojourn into psychoanalytical group therapy, and then discovering the delights of the 12-step Program, I am very disinclined to keep digging over the past. Been there, got the T-shirt and thanks for all the fish.

Quite enjoyed the session today. A new person showed who is the mother of an old friend of my son's, who I therefore knew quite well from the local school. Also my great friend is in the group. So it's a fun thing to go to, together, and then we go for a coffee and a gossip afterwards. And today I was most delighted and intrigued to hear about a new romance with a mutual acquaintance! I immediately identified with what was going on for her, feeling envious, pleased, excited and fearful for her all at once.

It seems a timely thing that I'm in a CBT group now. My fear of change is making me very intolerant of Richard...yes, although I have made ENORMOUS changes in my life in the last year I am still mighty fearful of making new connections, showing my vulnerability, acknowledging attraction to people and so on. My friend has been able to make a new connection. It may not work out, or it may, but she has basically had more bottle than me, even though she is suffering far more from depression and related states of mind than I am.

At the grand old age of 46 I am realising that there are worse things under Heaven and on Earth than rejection. Like being forever unfulfilled and dying alone and full of regrets for what might have been for instance! I will soon be at the point where I can openly engage in a flirtation with someone I really like! Well, why not think positive. You have nothing to lose but your hang-ups.

Have been asked to do a 'chair' at my local OA meeting. Aargh, was my first thought. Damn, I'll do it was my second, hot on the heels of the first.

Love everyone and everything. Take care! Zoe

Been Spring cleaning...

2008-04-10T08:29:00.000-07:00

...or rather, Spring tidying, or rather rationalising my impressive collection of papers, files, books and magazines. About six white bin-bags of papers have made their way outside, ready for the recycling men. It feels like having a really good s***! Excuse my earthy metaphor, but I'm sure you know what I mean! It's great to see my bookshelves tidy, with an actual space underneath the bottom shelf instead of a jumble of muddled up, out of date phone books and such. I really recommend it if you want a mood lift!

That, of course, is if you aren't too low to find the motivation for such tasks. They can seem daunting at first. I actually felt quite low this morning myself and went out for a wander for no better reason than that I could not bear my own four walls any longer. I'm a bit low about Richard. We had another big row last Wednesday and he is still upset about it and didn't want to come round yesterday. Which has highlighted to me in no uncertain terms that the problems we had in our relationship before have not miraculously gone away. Surprise!

As a couple we have never learned to use conflict constructively. For awhile things will be hunky dory then suddenly they are not. And the more active, proactive and involved I become in recovery and my many and various projects the more obvious it becomes that he is just not engaged in the same way. He seems to feel quite defeated at the moment by the job business. I could say a lot more but I don't want to put this in a public space...I guess it's not fair to him. Plus, he might read it and feel unhappy.

Anyway I'm going to my Dual Recovery Anonymous meeting this evening. Take care all! Love - Zoe.

Blogging at work.

2008-04-08T08:04:00.000-07:00

Grabbing some spare time on a quiet afternoon at work to check in here. Had a great weekend...contact with my son went really well, despite the yucky, wintry weather. He was on such good form. I haven't seen him so well and balanced since I don't know. He wanted to go to a wildlife park so we did. He took a ton of pics with the digital camera I bought him for Christmas. He is a dab hand with it and apparently has been using it a lot, so that was a success. The big cats, as always, were the stars of the show...some 'white' lions, a 'white' tiger (and a massive ordinary tiger) and...a pair of snow leopards, they are so special.

Mum and Richard both came too. After we dropped him back off with Jo we drove back to London and went out for a splendiferous meal at Jai Krishna's, one of our favourite veggie Indians. After wandering about in the cold and wet all afternoon we had worked up an appetite.

Mum and Richard both went home about mid-afternoon on Sunday. My mood promptly took a bit of a dive, and stayed low for the duration of Monday, which I spent working at the library. Aargh! I am beginning to feel that working in a public library is not for me. In the afternoon I was put upstairs on the Junior section. It's more like an after-school club than anything else, and I felt like a spare part most of the time because I still don't know how to do the many, many little procedures I have to learn. Well, it's only my third day but I'm starting to wonder how anyone learns this stuff. And whether this is going to really be for me.

So here I am at my other job, not that busy but nevertheless grateful that it is a whole lot easier on my nerves than the library. Had an early night last night, feeling utterly exhausted and managed to get up early for yoga and meditation, which did me good. Still have yet to really carry out that resolution I made about visiting and commenting on more blogs and raising my blog profile. When I'm low and tired as I was last night I don't tend to go on the 'puter.

Ah well, another day another dollar, and now I have two days off. Though it's going to be a busy week. Am starting CBT seminars tomorrow, and then there's the Emilia project on Thursday. Somehow have to fit in Learn Direct and the gym. Take care all.

Spring is here!

2008-03-31T12:03:00.000-07:00

Hi dear readers. I've been thinking, among other things, about my blog. Have realised that I would actually like more readers, and with a view to increasing my readership, am resolved to visit more blogs, and not just lurk but comment! That is crucial! And probably stick to my main sphere of interests for this blog...so mental health, recovery in mental health, the role of nutrition, exercise and spirituality. It probably won't ever be a particularly polemical or political blog. Apart from anything else that is already being done by many who do it better than I would. This is above all a personal story of recovery, and well, can you ever get too many of those?

Let me clarify. I am not 'recovered' from mental illness but I am very much 'in recovery' from it. That could very easily be a lifetime's work, but as for claiming to be recovered, well that's a big claim. I have been tempted to say it over the last year of withdrawal and a vast improvement in my overall health, but the last few weeks have demonstrated to me more than adequately that I still have to work with and around a mood disorder of some degree.

I had a much better day at the library today. After literally being in a state of high anxiety and fear for much of the last two weeks about it! Remarkably I didn't even have to tell anyone 'I feel anxious about going on the counter'. One of the higher-ups said I should really have been given some proper training before being put on the desk. Another reassured me that if I felt stressed out by anything I had to do, just to say and they would give me something else! I could really have hugged both of them on the spot.

I did quite a bit of re-shelving (which is strangely enjoyable!) , did some 'book prep' (where you mend books or strengthen them and put various labels on) and even went on the counter a bit, always with someone there though. There were no big queues, or angry customers! You get two tea breaks and an hour for lunch. The people are really friendly. It's actually pretty good! I am doing this work experience in order to establish whether I might pursue a library/information career. Well obviously the jury is still out but from today's experience I think there's a good chance.

Take care all!

Hurting.

2008-03-27T09:39:00.000-07:00

I'm still struggling with depression. Heartily wish I didn't have to do any work at all right now but instead am doing the minimum. Also postponed my contact with my son from this weekend to next. Gives me a chance to see my doc on Monday and see what can be done. I would like to get a salivary hormone test, as the blood tests I have had before don't seem to tell you very much and can be misleading in my experience. Don't know if my doc can or will refer me to this service.

Some of this may be triggered by psychological issues, such as my difficulties around work and relationships. Even I have got to be shocked by the degree of tension, anxiety and sheer dread I experience at the thought of the workplace. A lot of it is centred on the people I have to interact with at work. I am experiencing a crippling shyness, partly stemming from my feeling of inadequacy and inferiority around work. I didn't think working in a quiet office or in a library - a library for God's sake - would expose me too much socially, but remarkably, it does. Or rather, when I feel vulnerable, which is quite frequently, I can't cope with 'normal' social interaction at work.

For the first time since I withdrew from meds I am facing the fact that my pre-existing problems have not miraculously disappeared. Back to the goddamn drawing board. Thought I'd better check in but haven't the strength or the inspiration to write any more now. Zoe.

Just keepin' on keepin' on.

2008-03-24T12:40:00.000-07:00

Hi y'all. Well, I've had my week off. It's been mixed, but at least partly enjoyable. Today I met some chums from Dual Recovery Anonymous in Euston. We went for a fab slap-up veggie Indian meal at Diwana's in Drummond Street, then crossed the road to the Wellcome Institute which has a fascinating free exhibition of artefacts from the Wellcome collection. Quite an eclectic mix with a vaguely medical and scientific theme. From Darwin's walking stick, Florence Nightingale's shoe to a mummified corpse, Hieronymous Bosch's paintings and Japense erotica. Really weird, wayout and wonderful. We really enjoyed ourselves, then went for a cuppa in their beautifully designed, minimalist cafe. Chewed the fat thoroughly about some of the drawbacks of Twelve Step fellowships for people with mental health problems. It was very refreshing and fun and pretty much totally un-stressful..

I cheered up a lot in the course of the day having been glum in the morning despite a workout in the gym. I was anxious too about going back to work tomorrow. But I travelled back on the bus with my good friend and she somehow eased my mind by understanding my issues around work...and pinpointing them as about rehabilitation into the 'normal' world... gaining acceptance, challenging stigma and alienation. If it was easy, well probably a lot more people would 'return' from serious mental health issues to tell the tale and be fully rehabilitated. As it is, we are the exception that proves the rule. Just being so well understood by someone who really knows me well, I felt a weight lift off me...a weight of shame, twisted-up feelings, hurt, wounded ego, dread, fear and heaven only knows what else.

She said maybe the work issues are triggering these moodswings up to a point. It's a chicken and egg, both things fed into each other. One thing is for sure. I cannot butt out now. I'm in the middle of the pain barrier and must keep on pushing through it until the pain eases and I begin to see clearly what my issues really are. At the end of it I'm doing this for me. It's a discipline akin to getting up at six-thirty to do yoga and meditate. Sure I would rather stay in the comfort zone of my warm bed. I just know that this chrysalis stage can't last forever, and I must keep pushing through until I burst out into the Spring sunlight.

Lots of love. And if you are reading, do drop by and say hi! It gets echoey in here!

My main emotion was relief...

2008-03-20T08:57:00.000-07:00

...this week and gratitude that I had some me-time. I badly needed to take stock, relax and rest. The day after my last entry I picked up a lot. Helped by (at last) getting the birthday card and letter from my son.

What is clear is that I still have a pronounced bipolar tendency, or at the very least, cyclothymia. My moods have a tendency to dominate my life, and no-one could say that I neglect my health in any way. I'm doing all the right things. Still my moods have a tendency to take charge of me rather than the other way around. Thank God for my spiritual life. Sometimes it is all I have that is effective against the mood demon. Sometimes I'm left clinging to it like a piece of driftwood in a stormy sea.

Anxiety over work issues looms large at the moment. That's clear from reading the last few blog entries and seeing what a preoccupation it is. Work as I think I said before, is a trigger. It triggers the recollection of all I have missed through these years of debilitating mental illness, which in turn sets off feelings of inadequacy, uselessness, incompetence, inferiority and...crippling shyness. Morrissey's line 'No I've never had a job because I'm too shy' could have been written about me. I lack a normal sense of being protected by my skin. Other people scare me and threaten me just by existing in that separate but parallel way they have. No wonder I ended up escaping into mania.

Not that I'm about to let any of that make me give up on it. Only by persistence can I come to terms with the work demon and convert it into a friend or at least neutralise it. I'll keep on keeping on. Nothing worth having ever comes easy. Besides I have the perspective of maturity. That's a gift that the passing years have brought. I am basically cognizant of just how incredibly fortunate and blessed I am. I have led a charmed life...to come back from some of the places I have been to not only intact but whole and healthy is testimony to that. To have work issues is a high-class problem for someone who has been repeatedly locked up, who has totally lost her mind on countless occasions, endangering myself and possibly others.

Above all I am grateful for the presence in my life of a Higher Power.

There's been so much to tell this week. I almost have pressure of speech trying to somehow get it out. My inner life is so overwhelming sometimes. Even that is a privilege in a way. There's such a richness of experience inside me that others don't necessarily know about. When I share at my OA group I feel like an outsider, never really fitting in and not by any means sure I even fit the description of 'compulsive overeater'. But I'm inclined to accept that and even celebrate it. My only fear is that others will be annoyed at my presence in the group. After all that wouldn't be a new experience for me. In one way I'm most at home in groups (more than pairs for instance!) In another I have a history of challenging them without necessarily even realising it.

Take care dear readers...thank you whoever makes it to this blog. It's the literary equivalent of a sketchy overgrown footpath that the Ramblers Association are trying to keep open. Hardly a main road then! Love, Zoe.

Like wading through wet concrete...

2008-03-17T13:31:00.000-07:00

...that's my life at the moment. Started at the library. The morning was fine when I was being given my induction. In the afternoon though I was a bit daunted at having to go on the counter and deal with the public. There are loads of fiddly little things to learn there...you have to use a scanner and a mouse. I felt terribly inadequate.

What was even worse than that...one of the customers was a woman I'd been in a therapy group with. I had ended up leaving because I basically couldn't handle what I felt at the time were remarks that crossed the line. I've never really regretted leaving, though at the time I felt pushed out. Anyway she was friendly and I was friendly back, she wasn't really the one I had a problem with although she was a kind of catalyst that affected the dynamics of the group.

But oh my God I didn't want her to see me make a fool of myself on my first day in a new job. Seeing her just made me feel even more painfully exposed than I did already. Then she was talking about her daughter. It all just fed right into my depression, low self-esteem and sadness over Jasper not ringing and not sending me a birthday card. I can't help feeling there's got to be a reason for it. And I'm already low, ready to read negative interpretations into...whatever. Roll on the CBT seminars that I'm booked onto in April. Any sense that I no longer require therapy was premature.

I was just relieved to get out of the library, and become anonymous in the street again. It will probably take me a while to process all of this. These feelings, which are making my life intermittently hellish. I've also got to do things like contact Jasper's social worker. I've bought him an Easter egg and card which I've wrapped up all ready to send tomorrow. Thank God I don't have to work for the next week...the servers are down at my other job and my line manager phoned to say I needn't come in. We also have the Easter weekend. Usually I don't care for bank holidays but the way I feel right now I'm just relieved I don't have to struggle on at work.

I did feel better for awhile after doing some shopping for Jasper's egg and some hairdye, etc. My hair is utterly disgusting today...all greasy and lank. But I'm too wrung out to do the dye job tonight.

One of the few things that helps me feel somewhat OK is doing my yoga in the morning, and meditating and praying afterwards. At times like this, though it's hard to even get out of bed, I need these things more than ever. For the first time since I came off psych meds I am seriously contemplating going back on them. Well maybe not seriously, but contemplating. And I've booked an appointment to see my doc to discuss the moodswings and the HRT. Take care all, a weary Zoe.

Pretty low.

2008-03-16T12:45:00.000-07:00

Oh dear. I perked up a bit at the gym yesterday and while Richard was here but now he's gone I feel a bit s***. Starting at the library tomorrow. Now 46. And computer playing up. And I haven't had a card from Jasper. He phoned yesterday and I was out and he hasn't phoned again. Not good. Haven't the heart to blog right now. Take care.

Still moody after all these years...

2008-03-14T14:58:00.000-07:00

Ohmigod. First two days of this week I was up and away and ready for anything. Halfway through Wednesday I started to crash. I am thinking 'hormones'. And maybe, 'HRT'. I've been on it for about six months now and at first it seemed miraculous in its effects. Now I am less sure. My appetite has been out of control too...cravings for sweets, even though I don't go near sugar any more. Also been waking quite early. And getting terribly tired. Haven't been to the gym all week. Just couldn't face it.

It isn't mental health problems as I've known them in the past...there seems very little danger of a recurrence of psychosis or severe persistent depression. However these rapid and unpredictable moodswings are impacting on my life. They don't prevent me from working or functioning, but they do make me feel fairly miserable at times. In the course of a few days, even hours, it's all change. Today I was massively fed up at work, yet the other day I really enjoyed it. It isn't the blasted work. It's me!

Will be starting a new voluntary job at the library on Monday. So that will be three days working out of five.

Still pretty down, and I am doing pretty much every damn thing I can to be well. It occurred to me today that work itself does trigger me sometimes...in the sense that in an average, office environment I am faced with facts about my life that I find difficult. For instance, I have been on state benefits for the best part of twenty years...for a lot of that time I was too ill to work and as a result I have missed out on a career or even gaining significant work experience in the professional world. Whether I can really catch up now is doubtful, however good I am at learning and so forth. I'm going to be forty-six tomorrow. The best I can hope is to defy my age somewhat by keeping mentally and physically fit. I feel so depressed right now that I'd better not even carry on down this route...I just can't find it in me to be positive and I just hope to God that I'll feel better tomorrow.

Feeling better...

2008-03-06T13:56:00.000-08:00

...and hope I will be out of my little trough soon. I guess I was a bit gung-ho about the work thing to start out with. The other shoe had to drop...is that the right expression? Well anyone bipolar knows the score. The knack is to ride these mood waves and prevent them from derailing us too badly...but if I am forced to pretend normality I am afraid I will fail every time. For God's sake, I'm working in a mental health organisation and I already feel pressured to keep the mask up. Because it's an office and I'm on the reception desk! If it was at all a busy reception I think I would chicken out of it...it's just too exposing for my hypersensitive little bipolar soul!

Anything regarding work is a steep learning curve for me. I've been, in some ways, privileged to be able to do my own thing for years and years without having any significant money worries or restrictions. Now I'm discovering something about how the other half live. My ego is having to take a battering, and my self-esteem is suffering too. I basically feel like the office dogsbody...I'm the only volunteer and it can't be coincidence that I'm having to do stock-checking (YAWN!) post franking and entering lists of names and figures in a book for the finance department. Is it for this that I got a first class degree in languages?

Whither my grandiosity! Still there, but in reduced circumstances! I have to withhold any conclusions about my current work situation because, please note dearest reader, I'm a little bit low! I have to bite my tongue, which feels like giving vent to an outbreak of Tourette's, and play the good, docile office worker. My ego has to bear feeling incompetent and clumsy at even these most basic of tasks.

I'll give it time. And as I'm only doing two days a week I have plenty of time to scan the job market. Surely a paid job can scarcely be harder work than bloody volunteering! Take care all...Love, Zoe.

Been a little bit low...

2008-03-05T11:14:00.000-08:00

...and been having a crisis of confidence about the work thing. Been having to fight feelings of reluctance and resentment about going into my voluntary work. Long to somehow connect my abilities with the task but there's no flow at all at the moment. I feel like I'm doing tasks that any idiot could do. Coupled with that when I browse the job websites (such as Charityjobs) I am overwhelmed by the length and specificity of the person specs.

I've always waited to have a sort of Eureka moment as regards work, looking for a vocation rather than just a way to pay the bills. I'm an idealist. It's never really happened and at this point in my life, on the cusp of my 46th year, is as good a time as any to have to come to terms with that, I suppose. It happens for some people Goddammit! Why not me?

Slightly depressed, energy a little low. Take care! Love, Zoe.

It's been a while...

2008-02-25T13:11:00.001-08:00

...and maybe I didn't mention that I was going on a Buddhist retreat? Maybe I did, anyway I went for a week, came back last Friday and it was quite an adventure! What with the communal living with seventeen or so assorted folks, the amazing beautiful setting (and weather), the long periods of silence and seemingly endless long periods of sitting meditating in the shrine room...yoga and lovely vegan food too. Does that sound like Zoe heaven to you? Well, almost. And the teacher was one of the Western Buddhist Order's best meditation teachers, He's written a few books and his approach is very compassionate, humane and above all, very grounded in the body.

Even though it was by no means easy (by God meditation and silence faces you with yourself like nothing else!) I felt great by the end and really began to enjoy the company of the others and appreciate them. We had a lot of fond goodbyes when it was time to leave, like long-lost friends, and yet we had been in silence most of the time!

And it helped me a lot with my difficulties with the loving-kindness meditation practice, the metta bhavana. The way he explained it, that and the mindfulness of breathing meditation are basically the same practice. And also, he said not to necessarily think of metta (loving kindness) as a feeling. One can equally use one's intelligence to approach a problem or a person lovingly. This was very comforting as I was experiencing quite a bit of emotional turmoil and I think my heart centre or whatever was rebelling at being told what it should be feeling!

I've been back a few days now and had a lovely weekend with Richard. Today did my computer course, then the gym, and tomorrow I start a new voluntary job at Tulip, another mental health organisation. I found that a few days after I realised MIND wasn't going to work out. It seemed fortuitous, they just happened to have a volunteer leaving and wanted to take on two new people to job-share. I am going to do Tuesdays and Thursdays. I am a bit nervous about starting another new thing, but they seem very nice and quite efficient. Which will make a change from MIND. I will doing general admin and reception work...quite a bit of answering the phone. I seem fated to have to do phone work...Once I know who's who and what's what it should be OK I suppose.

I'm also thinking of volunteering my cooking skills on Buddhist meditation retreats. You get to go on retreat for free if you do. And that NVQ in Catering might come in handy at last!

Take care all...Lots of love, Zoe.

The rocky road to...work!

2008-02-09T03:46:00.000-08:00

Hi peeps. Yes, this week has been a saga of work. My personal life is going fine, my health and fitness levels are better than they've every been, but on Monday I went to do my day at my local MIND centre in the office and found everything kind of collapsing around me. It would have been inexplicable except that a friend who knows someone on the committee had told me that they were in a lot of difficulties with their funders. They basically may have to close, and it's clear that no-one is quite sure if they will still have a job in a few months. Which is all fair enough, mental health organisations are all being squeezed these days, but no-one said a thing to me. I was left to do my own detective work. Finally I asked the admin lady if it was true they might be closing and she didn't confirm or deny, they were having a meeting at lunchtime and it was clear that everyone was pretty preoccupied. It absolutely was not a time to be taking on volunteers!

There wasn't nearly enough for me to do, I wasn't told who my line manager was or introduced, I didn't even have my own computer to work at, just a desk with nothing on it that they had pushed against a wall for me. I have been volunteering at a volunteer office! I kind of know that this is not the way to treat volunteers! Why did no-one tell me anything? Is it because I have been a service user, or is everyone just in denial, trying to pretend everything is fine? I can only speculate and perhaps it's better not to go there. Whatever the reasons, it's not good enough.

So I said perhaps I better leave it for now (no perhaps about it but I was being polite) and she said OK and to call in a few weeks if I'm still interested. Well frankly after all this malarkey, I'm not! I went straight up to the gym and worked out then went to Learn Direct but the disappointment over the lack of communication (as well as the loss of the job) kind of threw me out for a few days. Not helped by the fact that I am becoming less satisfied with the volunteer centre work. My line manager there does not really supervise me to speak of and I'm getting stuck doing jobs that feel peripheral (and very dull) such as inputting numbers onto a database. All day. This at a volunteer centre that definitely knows better! I bumped into this guy my line manager in my local area last week and we went for a cup of tea. He talked! I listened and tried to get a word in edgeways now and then. Basically he isn't that happy in the job, he's stressed and by God it shows! So I have to say that that also unsettled and demotivated me.

So the week wore on and I felt a bit stressed and disenchanted with the whole volunteering scenario. However I knew I could not give up on it, I need to get stuck into something that will help my job prospects. On Thursday I plodded wearily to the volunteer centre to do my boring work (phoning our organisations to ask them for flyers/leaflets, well at least it wasn't the database). My line manager wasn't there as he was at a meeting (hadn't even told me). The volunteer coordinator was though (I get on quite well with her) and I'd told her all about the MIND thing. She said 'Tulip are looking for someone'...they are another mental health organisation in the borough, really, the only other one they've got on their books and not one I've had a lot to do with as a client. 'Shall I phone them for you?' That's her job, you see.

I had a brief chat on the phone to one of the administrators and arranged to go in the next day. Eureka! He and the very nice (somewhat pregnant) lady who does most of the HR work both interviewed me. They were everything that MIND wasn't! Very volunteer-aware. She will be meeting with me regularly, proper supervision. I've got my own desk, will be answering calls and transferring them and my own computer. Quite a bit of reception-type work. No contact with service users (I'm OK with that). A variety of admin tasks and they can adapt the role to suit me (so some higher-level stuff). It's a really pleasant friendly office, they get good feedback from their volunteers and it's really local, I can walk there in fifteen minutes or so. They want me for three days if I can manage that, but can be flexible. HOORAH! So in the space of a week things have turned around. As we say in the 12-Step Fellowships, 'these are high-class problems!', in any case. A few years ago I would have given my eye-teeth to be worrying about work! Except that I don't have any eye-teeth, they were taken out because my mouth was overcrowded!

Enough! All is well and this weekend Richard and I are driving down to see my Mum. Weather is unseasonally gorgeous. We're also set to see Jasper on Thursday. And I go on retreat on Friday. I will start at Tulip on Tuesday 26 February. Lots of love! Zoe.

Not a bad week...

2008-02-01T14:02:00.000-08:00

...bit of a mixed bag really. The failure of the two E's, Emilia and Expert Patients, to float my boat has focused my mind in a way. More than ever I feel sure that I really have to go for the work thing. All other considerations aside getting and keeping a job is simply one of the most conclusive ways I can prove to myself and everyone else that I am capable, competent, and fully viable. As I've become weller (is that a word? no says my spellchecker) I become more and more interested in work for work's sake. I enjoy the way it can absorb you, soak up your energies, distract you when you need distracting. It also binds you to others and to the wider society.

I know that I can contribute more than adequately in the workplace. My voluntary work confirms me in that. However it probably won't be an easy or straightforward path into a suitable job, one that really is appropriate and commensurate with my abilities, and where I can fulfil at least some of my potential. That's why I am getting as much support as I can. Life is exciting...more than ever so. But pretty scary too sometimes.

I heard that the lowest point of the average person's life comes around age 44. No way is that true for me. I struggled so much in my earlier years...a lot of my twenties were pure hell and the thirties not much better. It seems that many people look back at their youth with nostalgia, feeling they have lost something. For sure I guess it's nice to have smooth, taut skin and be able to eat whatever you like and not get fat. For me the appeal of youth kind of ends there. I was the most godawful mess, a walking disaster area I'm afraid.

At some stage in this blog I need to write something about my history. The history of my 'manic depression'. Only by putting the present in the context of the past can I really explain just how miraculous it is. There are lots of us out there and it's important to speak out for the sake of all the others who need just this kind of hope. Recovery from major mental illness(I ain't just talking the odd bout of depression either!) totally IS possible, I have done it, am doing it, the quality of my life now is FANTASTIC, WONDERFUL.

Beliefs that bipolar and other diagnoses are basically life sentences are inaccurate if not just plain wrong and too often become a self-fulfilling prophecy. What I say to any truth-seeking person is, just dare to think outside the box. Study yourself, allow yourself to be drawn into the endless fascination of YOU! You are so much more than some dodgy label! Doctors simply have no authority to tell you what you will or won't amount to in life! That is between you and your higher power...don't ever be tempted to hand your sacred power over to some bloody medic! Like your plumber and your postman, doctors have their place. Advising you how to live your life is not, so far as I'm aware, in their remit.

Oops, been having a soapbox moment. Take care of your dear selves! Love, Zoe.

All is well...

2008-01-25T13:39:00.000-08:00

In the last couple of days I tried the Emilia Project and the Expert Patients Programme. I realised that neither of them were for me. The Emilia was particularly disappointing because I really expected more from it. Basically it was just another special 'service users' course. I had an excruciating afternoon supposedly discovering something called the 'strengths approach'. Felt very tense and frustrated all afternoon, unable to really contribute anything meaningful because, to me, the class itself had no meaning! Though having said that I guess I discovered something quite important. That I really have no need of being hived off into a 'service users' ghetto in order to be 'empowered'. The exact opposite of empowerment is what that does for me.

The teacher/trainer's approach to 'strengths' was to pussyfoot around us all. 'If you don't feel you can say anything at all, that's fine'. Etc etc. Then we were sat around in groups in order to help each other list our strengths. When the professor came around, asking us how we were getting on, I had to tell him the truth, but ended up feeling characterised as awkward rather than understood. Well, he did ask! I noticed that others, after some initial reluctance, did seem to get into it more as time went on. But not me. If this would ever have been any use to me, it might have been about fifteen years ago, when I was first diagnosed and at my worst, with the condition. It was bloody rehabilitation! Which I do not need!

I did strike up some camaraderie and shared subversive humour with some of the others. But I knew I wasn't going to be going back. It was even more awkward because one of the trainer/teachers was someone I knew well and was friendly with.

So then today it was the Expert Patients, a self-management programme that originated in the States and is now over here. I had reservations about it but was withholding judgment until I tried it. After the Emilia debacle yesterday I was dreading a kind of repeat performance. Well it wasn't the same thing at all, but for me it was equally useless. I have already written the letter to the administrator of the Programme explaining why I don't want to pursue it any further. It so wasn't me. Picture this, gentle reader! The facilitator tells us 'do as your doctor says and take your medication'. I kid you not! And I'm thinking, dream on, honey. I'm outta here! The thing is, the title really does say it all. But I ain't anyone's patient! Expert or otherwise!

So. perhaps, in their way, a couple of productive days. Discovering what I in no way, shape or form, am interested in doing! Back to the drawing board, back to looking for a job I guess. The Emilia was supposed to be helping us with that but it's pitched at such a low level it would be more of a hindrance. What I do know is, I am not ill any more. I am confident, capable and competent. I'm flexible, a great learner and have good skills which I'm building on all the time. I'm ready to work!

I think I may try working one day at the library (voluntary), one day at MIND and one day at HAVCO. That way I won't get bored and may get some insight into which I prefer. Well, we'll see. Take care all! Love, Zoe.

Very happy.

2008-01-20T12:23:00.000-08:00

Just had another lovely weekend with Richard. I guess things HAVE changed between us. I now realise that, though I sometimes didn't believe he was changing or interested in doing so, he actually is. Not necessarily in precise ways that I envisaged but I have conclusive proof that he DOES learn from his mistakes etc. We had a bad row in the week, and it could have been a virtual replay of what happened in the autumn when we broke up for two months, but we both reacted differently. That was very reassuring. And the fact that he showed his feelings for me... That was what I needed from him more than anything. Just to know he really cared and was prepared to go the extra mile for our relationship.

We've had some lovely happy times since we've been back together. Very close and loving. I'll just add the slight caveat that I am not sure how much my mood is influencing my perceptions. But it might be being back with Richard that has made me feel better.

Got a busy week to come...I supposedly start my voluntary work at MIND tomorrow. I haven't even started and am already thinking about putting it on hold, because of the other things I'm taking on...something called the Emilia Project which is really hard to explain, so I've added their website to my link list, as well as Expert Patients Program.

Oh and my Jasper called yesterday, so really what more could I ask for? He was fine, quite happy and chatty. Very sweet and affectionate. Take care all! Love, Zoe.

Buddhist monk on the World Service...

2008-01-13T10:56:00.000-08:00

Hi dear people. 'The happiest man in the world' is being interviewed on the BBC...he's the Dalai Lama's French translator: he gave up a privileged life in Paris and so on. Mathieu Ricard is his name. He chats animatedly about meditation and finding contentment and peace within. He has something of the Dalai Lama's ebullience about him.

Had a chat with my Mum today. She was telling me about her philosophy discussion group: they were discussing Richard Dawkins' 'The God Delusion' and she told me about the 'militant' and 'resentful' atheists present, who seemed uncomfortable with anyone else having any beliefs! I felt a connection with her over this. She was brought up strictly Catholic, mostly in boarding schools run by nuns, and turned her back on that form of religion when she was 22. Yet she is not at all militant about it. It hasn't closed her mind to all spirituality and religious faith. It was really good to talk to her today. Something I need to record, for all the other times when I can be irritable with her verging on mean.

I would have liked to be able to give her news of Jasper but as he still hasn't phoned (only the answerphone message last week) I can't. However I did try to be reassuring about him. 'He's probably just going through a phase'. I believe it...most of the time.

Richard and I had a lovely weekend together. We got on really well. His presence is calming and comforting somehow. We didn't do much. Went to the Farmers' Market, and I made beetroot coconut and lime soup which he loved...he pronounced it 'probably the best soup I've ever had!' Praise indeed! Good old Leith's Vegetarian Bible.

Mood definitely more down-to-earth. Take care all...lots of love, Zoe.

Update...

2008-01-12T09:00:00.000-08:00

Hi. I've been a remiss blogger... and been busy. Need to check in though. Moods have largely been settling down though there's still been some turbulence, but of a lesser degree than before. Energy levels have been pretty good most of the time though sometimes I get very tired by the evening. I wanted to go to the Buddhist Centre on Wednesday or Friday but just couldn't make it.

Am juggling a lot of different projects at the moment and sometimes I think maybe it's just too much. There's little or no space in my diary for unforeseen eventualities. Work on Tuesday and Thursday was quite enjoyable. On the Thursday I had to make a ton of phone calls to 'our' organisations to tell them about an event 'we' are holding the following week. There was another volunteer doing the same thing and it made it quite fun. All the more so because for me, picking up the phone is a little challenging at the best of times. Let alone to call about fifty strangers!

Have kept up with the rest of my routine...OA, yoga, meditation, the gym. Food has not been brilliant as I've noticed that since I began experiencing mood turbulence I also started to feel a little messy and uncontrolled around my eating. I used to have a real weakness for sweet things and thought giving up sugar would knock that on the head, but sweet things with xylitol or agave syrup in them seem to have a similar addictive effect and certainly don't taste much different. I'm going to have to cut down on desserts of any kind, even healthy sugar-free ones.

Richard is here and I'm off to cook dinner. Love, Zoe.

Seem to be stabilising...

2008-01-06T09:35:00.000-08:00

...At least I hope so. I am maybe a little melancholy the last few days, a very pale, washed-out shade of blue. New Year blues maybe...the party season is over, now we've got to knuckle down to work, etc without the pretty lights and hyped-up goodwill! Reality bites! Usually I just heave one big sigh of relief when it's all over to be honest, but this year was different...my mood went a bit high just as the collective one was becoming manically festive, I actually felt really Christmassy! Then Richard and I got back together just in time for Christmas...that was really nice. He was with me all this weekend, and was very sweet and attentive. We went for a long walk yesterday, all the way to Highgate Village via the woods.

Today we went to the farmers' market, then raked the leaves out of the front garden. I made spicy lentils with potatoes for lunch, then he went off home and I went to the gym. I'm glad the routine starts again this week. Holidays are OK but at times I was slightly at a loose end.

I'm slightly uninspired as to what to write, that's the mood...not sad enough to wax lyrical about it, just a little flat and depleted. I had been a bit worried that being med-free was going to prove unworkable. But I need to give it time. As I said before, this level of mood disturbance is more inconvenient and annoying than dangerous. I am menopausal too, that might account for some of it. Take care all! Love, Zoe.

Still swinging along...

2008-01-03T14:13:00.000-08:00

Today I was a bit low. My mood swings are not out of control, not off the scale, but still capable of being bloody annoying! I cheered up in the evening after going out to the West End, to my Dual Recovery group and shopping...found some super-duper bargain boots in Clark's sale!

Jasper my son is apparently refusing to call me at the moment. I was expecting a call at the weekend... Maybe he wants to enjoy his holiday without having to fulfil his 'duties' or 'obligations'. To be honest, mostly that is how he sees it. He calls me because it is expected, not from spontaneous desire to talk to me. I can tell from the nature of our chats. I usually have to hold up more than half the conversation. Well, he's 12. I need to not awfulize the situation, jumping to the conclusion that this temporary situation will necessarily become permanent. The last time I talked to him, Monday 17th December, we had a nice chat and he was in a good mood. That's something.

Tomorrow I must get up and do my yoga, meditation and prayer, no questions asked. Love, Zoe.

New Year's Day!

2008-01-01T09:26:00.000-08:00

Richard stayed the night so we saw in the New Year together. Unfortunately we managed to launch into a row just as midnight was approaching! I ended up shouting myself hoarse and then beating a hasty retreat to the spare room rather than let the situation get any more volatile. It wasn't the most auspicious way to enter a New Year but I'm not superstitious about what is basically just another day.

It was hard adjusting to being back. This has become quite a familiar experience for me even when I'm just returning from a holiday. However, factor in my mood turbulence which kicked in about a month ago. Though in a funny way it is reassuring to know that the bipolar tendency hasn't vanished completely as a result of my lifestyle changes, (imagine if all it turned out to be was an allergy to sugar or sensitivity to caffeine! Wouldn't I be hopping mad?) my moods have intruded into my life and decisions I have made over that time, no question.

It was a mood crash last night that probably caused the row I had with Richard. I had a bit of a low day, felt better in the evening when he came round, but then started to feel insecure and emotionally incontinent again after we went to bed. The contact with Jasper and my Mum didn't go well, largely due to my moodswing. It was in the throes of hypomania that I decided I had to have Richard back! My libido completely went into overdrive and all I could think about was the good times.

Not that I'm saying I regret going back with Richard. I'm just saying, who knows how things would have panned out if I hadn't got a bit high, and written that letter and then asked him to meet me? But that would have required me to be a different person. Someone who maintains an equilibrium, maybe...and who doesn't know what it is to be desperate for sex!

This is all a bit analytical and I hope my dear readers are not getting impatient with me. But that's the nature of the beast, this blog, I guess. To monitor myself, record what happens, see how my life changes as a result of being med-free. It's by no means a foregone conclusion that I manage to stay med-free. But I will certainly be giving it my very best shot.

Gianna mentioned stuff about connecting with passionate and romantic feelings again as a result of the withdrawal. Well I can certainly relate to that, though in my case being on HRT might have done something for the flagging libido. Certainly taking shedloads of nutritional supplements and sticking to a wholefood, sugar and caffeine-free diet probably has all helped. Thinks: was it that 5 types of Ginseng tablet I was taking? Not to mention exercising in a disciplined way, losing fat and gaining muscle...that definitely makes me feel more attractive.

Anyway, when I awoke this morning I did get back into the conjugal bed and somehow from that point on everything was just fine. We had a lovely day...played some music, sang a few songs, went for a walk. He's gone home now.

In the bad old days before becoming very proactive at self-management such a mood fluctuation as I have had in the last month would have likely finished with me being sectioned (forcibly admitted to hospital), or at the very least having to be supervised in the community. There is a world of difference between this and that. That's the hopeful and optimistic thought I want to hold on to at this threshold of a fresh new year. Happy New Year to each and every one of you dear readers...may you be well and happy and may you progress! Love, Zoe.

Back from retreat....

2007-12-30T12:06:00.000-08:00

...Actually I've been back for three days now. I had an absolutely brilliant time on retreat...it was an amazing combination of stimulating and calming. We meditated several times a day and there were silent periods too; there were talks on Buddhism, some of them quite personal and therefore fascinating, communication exercises, group meetings, ritual, work periods and yoga. There was so much on offer that I didn't want to miss out on that there wasn't much time for going for long walks in the beautiful surrounding countryside. The food was nearly all vegan and fantastic, even by my exacting standards. There were 96 people on the retreat so potentially different dinner companions every evening.

I had such a great time that it wasn't easy coming home. I'm still struggling a little with touching down in my own life again. I didn't want to blog or go on the internet, or do any of the usual things I do. I felt unsettled by the glimpse into another kind of life that the retreat gave me. Seeing more of Richard since I've been home hasn't been easy either. Plus I haven't done yoga or meditated since I've been back...and today I got the nearest to compulsive overeating that I have since joining OA and becoming abstinent!

I had some very valuable insights about myself while on the retreat, mainly concerning the way I do or don't relate to others. I couldn't help but be faced with my own inadequacies in this regard...my irritability, intolerance and tendency to quick judgments, even if all of them are only thought and not said. I also had a very vivid dream, in the midst of all the calm and meditative focus, of being repeatedly violently beaten up by a malevolent but gender-unspecific figure. When I thought about this, a little rattled by it naturally, I knew immediately that this was a part of me...my 'Inner Bully'. Yes, I repeatedly do a violence to myself in my thoughts, no question! That's why I knew I needed to get more tuition on how to do the 'metta bhavana' practice, the meditation that aims to develop 'kindly awareness', 'metta'. I was able to get this on retreat.

However the main thing I got from retreat was, loud and clear, the message, Zoe, stop isolating! You need to be part of a spiritual community, you are a social being and if you don't use that capacity it will not develop. Even in a matter of a few days I saw myself develop into a far more social and sociable person. And I loved it! I did have to go through a sort of pain barrier first, mind.

So I did not just come back thinking 'good, I learned some more about meditation'. I came back knowing that my feet would be tracing a path to the Buddhist Centre on a much more regular basis, and that I would be booking another retreat as soon as I identify a suitable one! I probably won't be bothering much with holidays in the future either. I'll go on retreat instead!

Take care all...Zoe.

Stop press...

2007-12-22T04:53:00.000-08:00

Gotta just tell you, Richard and I have made it up, which I am so happy about. He spent the rest of yesterday and today with me, and I am now packed and ready for the retreat. The boiler's playing up and my central heating is up the spout but I feel so warm inside I don't really care. The relief to mind, body and spirit is enormous. Happy holidays all...Love, Zoe.

Happy Christmas dear readers...

2007-12-20T14:29:00.000-08:00

Ooh, get me, the spirit of seasonal goodwill is alive and well! I haven't even had a visit from the Ghost of Christmas Past! Had a great day. Went to work...actually starting to enjoy that, in a humdrum way, now that I am feeling more competent and confident in what I'm doing. I was scared stiff of answering the phone there at first, but I answered it loads of times today and it might be just what I need to get me over my little phone phobia. I had to make calls too, and really it's like anything else. Practice makes perfect.

After work went and bought Jasper the digital camera he asked for. Then I went for some dinner at the Hare Krishna veggie restaurant in Oxford Street, then to my Dual Recovery Anonymous meeting, which was fantastic. After the meeting a couple of my friends from there and I went for a drink in Selfridge's cafe on the top floor.

I'm meeting Richard tomorrow lunchtime in a cafe. I have a good feeling about it. On Saturday I will be off on my retreat, so it's the last chance I've got to see him. Admittedly my emotions have been so all over the shop of late that I hardly know if I can trust them. Somehow you know though, I trust my emotions more deeply than just about anything else I have.

Full of love and kindly Buddhist awareness for the whole universe, a slightly blissed-out Zoe.

Better again...

2007-12-19T06:56:00.000-08:00

...and seem to be stabilising. Got a decent night's sleep and woke up somehow in a better space. It occurred to me to ask Richard to meet me for a drink so I texted and emailed him. Then I did my yoga and meditation, then after breakfast, went to the gym. Then my yoga class! Phew! That was great...as usual. My yoga teacher is a real gem. There were only three of us there today...all the hard-core yogis.

Then I had to come back to be here for the gas man. My central heating system has been playing up, he reckons it needs a new pump. Hope he's right...have had no end of trouble with it. I made some spicy chickpeas with brown basmati rice.

Suddenly I don't quite know what to do with myself. For the first time in quite a while I'm at a loose end. Learn Direct is closing early today or I would go there. Maybe I'll try and do some of it at home, although my connection or my 'puter doesn't seem to be quite up to the job.

Take care all...Love, Zoe.

Oh, the pain...

2007-12-18T09:45:00.000-08:00

...and no I'm not being melodramatic. I am terribly sad, terribly upset. There are any number of 'triggers'. Christmas for one...The disastrous contact with Jasper on Saturday. The implications of it...that I just can't handle my Mum, and Jasper. Then there's the Richard thing. He managed to finally write me an email. He managed to say almost nothing in it...as is his wont. Talk about non-committal! And I've had a mood swing, after all this time when things have gone so well. I've had a real wobble.

I went to work today. Actually, even though I didn't enjoy it one tiny little bit, it was the best thing I could have done. Staying occupied and keeping myself distracted. And soon there will be the holidays and it'll be impossible to even do that.

I've been crying, I'm crying now. I feel truly desolate and so bereft. Surely I must be an awful person, because the three closest people in my life are going to be nowhere near me this Christmas. I have no words to describe how that feels. (I know what you're thinking, 'well, you're having a good go!')

Grief.

Better today...

2007-12-17T08:34:00.000-08:00

Was able to do my routine things. Am doing two IT classes in one day, like last week. Best of all was that Jasper phoned me in the morning. He was much more chipper, told me what he was going to be up to today, and explained what he would like for Christmas - he thinks - a digital camera.

My social worker came round in the afternoon to help me fill in my Disability Living Allowance form. It's a real headache! She was good, though, she's had plenty of practice with these things. We made some inroads into it, but had to make another time in the New Year to finish it.

It seems to be getting even colder than before. Rather wish I didn't have to go anywhere tonight, but at least the Spreadsheets are keeping me occupied. I'm very lucky to have a really nice IT teacher...she is one of those rare people in that field who is totally in the right job. She really cares about her students. And it must be pretty boring going over these basics time and time again, but she doesn't project boredom. She's an excellent teacher...she knows how to motivate a whole class of people. That's a gift you either have or you don't I think...

Anyway, need to eat now and then get to college. Take care all...Love, Zoe.

Crash...

2007-12-16T10:01:00.000-08:00

Yeah, it's been a rocky two weeks. This is the first major moodswing I've had for a long time... It's Sunday now and I'm picking myself up from quite a nasty crash-landing. Well, I was a bit apprehensive about my Mum coming. The truth is, I'm always apprehensive about her coming. And with the benefit of hindsight I just wasn't in the best shape to deal with her. My sleep has been patchy. On Friday I was still a little hyper. For sure, it was nothing compared to how I used to get.

Anyway on Saturday we went down to Jasper's home town, met him at the station as arranged and went to a stately home...which was also a train and taxi ride away. For the first hour or two it wasn't too bad, though J was pretty sullen and quiet at first. But I was also really tetchy, because my Mum was just being, my Mum. She goes into vague mode. I suppose it's her defence...a lifelong habit and not one she's going to give up now. I feel like everyone is pressuring me, I have to be the one to make everything OK. Anyway, I guess I failed at that, because J started to complain of boredom and generally get difficult after we'd been there for a while. And between the two of them I just couldn't hack it. I ended up walking away from them...twice. The second time, I called us a cab to the station, then I ended up walking while they got the cab. It was about half an hour's walk along a busy road. But I just had to get away from them both. I reached the end of my rope.

Anyway, I didn't even know if I would make it to the station, I had to guess the route. For all I knew I would miss them and have to go home alone. But thank God, they were still there when I arrived, the train was due in another ten minutes. After that we were all a bit subdued. I was stressing so much I was having catastrophising scenarios going through my head, of my Mum having Alzheimer's. It's not impossible...her Mum had it pretty bad. I tried to talk with Jasper privately to explain that I was worried about her...that was maybe ill-considered, but I really was. He more or less told me where to get off, and walked off. Then Jo, his foster mum, arrived to pick him up. I told her what had happened. We swopped presents and cards, I gave J some money which I had promised. We hugged and kissed. Said 'sorry' and 'I love you'.

So thank God it wasn't a total debacle. Nonetheless, it was traumatic, for me. I realised it would probably have to be the last contact I go to with Mum. And God willing that it won't be the last contact full stop. Mum and I realised talking it over today that there's something about the dynamic of her, me and him that has always set J off. He's much easier with just one of us. Before we always had Richard with us. That might have helped.

Today we kind of had to go to Comet to get a portable heater, because my heating is playing up again and it's freezing. Mum ended up buying me a new vacuum cleaner as well...which I have to admit, I did need. It was a real struggle getting through the rest of her stay. She had been going to stay till tomorrow, but we agreed it would be best if she went today.

It's been a real roller coaster this last two weeks. I work so hard at being well. But no one ever said that that is all it takes. Part of me feels like I've got to be perfect, got to come up with the goods. When I can't, I feel a failure. It's all pretty irrational...

Have been writing Christmas cards. Take care all, and thanks for reading...Love, Zoe.

Moody peeps rool!

2007-12-14T10:49:00.000-08:00

I'm being silly...but it's because I'm happy. Two nice things happened. Richard emailed me to thank me for my letter, and my boy's foster mum called to fix contact arrangements tomorrow. We had a chat and apparently J has settled down a lot at the school...he's started to really enjoy it and make friends in the last few weeks! God, is that good news? I hardly dared think about it or hope, but I was trying to magnetise good stuff for him by means of the Law of Attraction (I know, I'm mental, but what do you expect?) and I've been putting him in my prayers as well. He broke up for the holidays today, and went out on the town with a big group of boys AND girls. Way to go, Jasper!

My Mum is due to arrive any moment now. She's staying the weekend and we're going to contact together tomorrow.

Apart from that I had another splendid day...now there's a nice old-fashioned word! Did some Learn Direct, then had my induction at MIND with the very nice admin lady there. Then had to shop for food etc, then to the cafe to see my two friends. Again I got on well with them and enjoyed the meeting. I guess it is me who has changed...My friend has bought a tree and all, because she's hosting a family gathering on Boxing Day, so she's invited us round to hers next week to see it all.

Take care my dears! Love, peace and happiness...Zoe.

What a difference a day makes...

2007-12-12T11:54:00.000-08:00

Yeah actually I had a great day! Higher Power came up trumps! Went to yoga class which I REALLY enjoyed, was just in the mood. A friend remarked on how I'd lost weight which was lovely. And my teacher is really pleased with me and my new fitness levels! We do this spinal twist where you have to catch hold of your own hand behind your back and I never could do it (too fat!) , now I can! Way to go, Zo. Bet you she will get me doing the head stand next! I can't chicken out of it forever!

Then I had to go up to Learn Direct for my test in 'Basic concepts of IT'. It was a lot easier than the last one and I got 89%! (Pass mark is 75%). The next section seems to be covering a lot of familiar ground...duh, how do you turn a computer on!...but actually, that's no bad thing, as I've had to take in a lot of new information lately. And my brain probably doesn't have terabytes of capacity...gigabytes, maybe.

Then I was so fired up and in the mood that I wanted to go straight down to the gym. Note that it is now six o'clock and I've had nothing since my bowl of millet porridge with seeds and berries in the morning. Yet to be honest I am OK, not over-hungry. Didn't feel like cooking (bit too hyper) so went to my fave veggie Indian and had brown rice with spinach and mushrooms. It was such a beautiful, frosty day.

Did I tell you that I'm going on a Buddhist retreat for Christmas? Just five days from 22nd Dec. Christmas ain't too much of my thing. But even old Scrooge here isn't totally immune to the blandishments of the Season of Goodwill. I just feel sorry for the turkeys...I don't intend buying any presents (stuff it!) except for my son, which is kind of obligatory and will only send cards to people I really really like!

I'm a happy bunny again...not too happy, that's what is best of all...Take care all, love Zoe.

Still very emotional.

2007-12-12T02:25:00.000-08:00

I had a good night's sleep, some sweet dreams. Then I woke up! What can I say. My OA meeting yesterday did help. The worst thing I can do at times like this is withdraw. Yeah, I read 'Women who love too much', but it seems that (surprise, surprise) reading it isn't enough to banish all symptoms of 'love addiction'. They are all there, in force. Obsession, self-deception, masochism (well, what else can you call it?)

Still I managed to have a lovely hot bath with oils, do my yoga and attempt to meditate. My prayers were a lot more intense than usual. I've been calling on my Higher Power for 'strength to let go'. It's a beautiful, sunny day, very cold and frosty. I went out to water my plants and the frost on the lawn is so pretty in the sunlight.

I'm struggling with my emotions. I will refrain from cynical remarks about 'so what else is new', because actually, let's get this in proportion. This is the first moodswing worthy of the name I've had in ages...I mean with the high and the low, the works. Actually, as I said to an OA friend yesterday it's reassuring in a funny way to actually have one, because it means that whole 'bipolar' thing was real and not just a product of my fevered imaginings. And I have to fill in my Disability form...at least I've had an 'episode' however minor.

The stuff I put out there! This blog is a weird combination of private and public. Let's hope the kind folks at the Department of Pensions aren't reading it...second thoughts, I think I can safely assume they're not! Take care all...Love, Zoe.

Oops...had a moodswing!

2007-12-11T09:18:00.000-08:00

Oh dear. I feel really awful now. Though as 'episodes' go it isn't much! I have managed to get some decent sleep. But today I cried off work...felt guilty about it but I thought I should take it easy, get some me time. Went to an OA meeting, and have another one tonight. Obsessing badly about Richard. But I don't regret writing that letter. Even though I was a bit hyper when I wrote it, there wasn't anything in there that wasn't real and from the heart. I felt it was something I had to do. Even when I was writing it though, I knew I was putting myself in a vulnerable position. Today and yesterday that vulnerability started to kick in. Good thing I've got OA.

Yesterday I went to TWO three-hour IT classes...because I had fallen behind the others in Spreadsheets and needed to catch up. That was because of Women Like Us. Nearly six hours of Spreadsheets in one day! Bloody hell!

Jasper did call me in the end on Sunday but he wasn't in a good way as he had managed to lose £40 of his birthday money at the cinema! So I just said well leave it and we'll catch up next weekend when I see you. Told him not to worry too much about the money. He does need to learn to be responsible. Apart from that he had a good weekend...spent most of it with his friend Albie. He's already uploaded some tracks onto his new Ipod. We're going to go to Audley End for our contact...it's a stately home.

So yeah, I had a bad day, but better a bad day than getting sectioned in the bin! (Locked up in the asylum for non-Brits...) Bad days are normal, anyway. Take care all! Love, Zoe.

Strange weekend...

2007-12-09T09:34:00.000-08:00

When I got back from an afternoon's training on 'V-Base' in Old Street I felt pretty spaced out. Then the fatigue kicked in. I was very hyper, listening to a lot of music (bad sign!), couldn't get to sleep for ages, then finally slept for a few hours. Next day felt totally done in and have spent most of the weekend in bed, trying to catch up on some rest. I feel a little bit menopausal...and very horny. Strange combination. Thank God there wasn't much I really had to do...no MATCH post. Gave everything a miss...no gym, no OA, no yoga or meditation.

On Friday I was moved to write Richard a letter, for the first time, so I went with it. I couldn't be more surprised by what I wrote. I sent it off before I could change my mind!

On Wednesday I have my next test for the ECDL. On Friday I've got an induction at MIND. Jasper did call yesterday but I missed the call. Maybe he'll call this evening. It's been weirdly silent in the house. I'm making beetroot and coconut soup again. Thought I'd better check in anyway...Love, Zoe.

A happy bunny...

2007-12-07T11:08:00.000-08:00

What's with me? Am I hypo, daft or just plain crazy? I cannot get that man outa my head! For three days now this has been going on and it isn't getting better, it's getting worse or should that be better? Is it just plain ol' frustration or is it just the old manic hypersexuality kicking in?

Will post more later...

Blog Entry Number Fifty...

2007-12-01T11:56:00.000-08:00

Thought I should mark that occasion. It was so heartening to get some comments on my last entry, and realise that I had actually been linked to somewhere ( Psychiatric Survivor) without my knowledge. The 'silence' was starting to get me down. I guess the blogosphere is a mighty competitive place. To get readers takes a bit of effort...or some kind friends.

Well, as it is Blog Fifty, I will just say, yes, it is nice to have readers, and I would welcome more, as I do feel I have something useful to say about recovery. A lot of my entries can seem a bit mundane, but a few years ago I think I would have been intrigued and inspired to find that someone who has been as ill as I have, and as thoroughly 'psychiatrised', could go on to make a full recovery. Not only am I now psych drug-free, I am functioning at a higher level than most normies for God's sake!

That is what I want to share...as we say in the Twelve-Step Fellowships, my 'experience, strength and hope'. Some handy tips maybe. So I won't give up on this blog, and I will go on tapping away in my 'nun's cell', holding on to the faith that someone, somewhere will benefit, even if not right now, at some stage. In any case, as you say Gianna, it's always good to write in any case. To be read is the icing on the cake! (Sugar-free, naturally!)

I had a reasonable day today. Have started to try and put into practice Lynn Grabhorn's notions of using the power of positive feelings to magnetise good stuff into your life. This means, conversely, not allowing oneself to get carried away by the negative stuff...fulminating, bitching, stewing, going into victim mode and so on. If you really believe that to do so effectively gives carte blanche to a load of shite to come into your life, it certainly does concentrate the mind! I'm not saying I'm totally convinced yet...it's too early to say, but I am certainly giving it a good go!

This evening on the way home I tried to go to the gym, got changed, locked up my stuff and went up only to find it had just closed! On weekends it closes at five, which I hadn't known. So I had a chance to work on my feelings of disappointment and frustration on the way home. I did get over them...I'm OK now. It helped having the nice surprise of having my blog linked to! And the company of a very sleek and purry pussy cat.

Take care all! And if you have been, thanks for reading! Love, Zoe.

So quiet here it's embarrassing...

2007-11-30T14:12:00.001-08:00

Yes it's reminiscent of a nun's cell in this blog, just the sound of my tapping on the keyboard, echoing off the walls...

Well, no I'm not a nun, though I might as well have taken a vow of celibacy for all the action I'm getting in that department. But you know what? I'm too busy to care most of the time. In my driven little way I've been running around all week, multitasking like crazy.

Have to admit I'm frankly jealous of other bloggers who rejoice in possessing actual readers! I have got to check out some sites that give you advice on how to publicise your blog. Can't go on like this!

At the gym my Performance Index rose to 18 yesterday, after plateauing at 16 four days in a row. My energy levels have been fabulous, and I feel and look like the picture of health.

Have now been off all psych meds for about five weeks and I finally am starting to lose a bit of weight. Another effect of being med-free appears to be that I just don't need anywhere near the same amount of sleep to get by. It isn't insomnia or anything...I just go to sleep say about eleven and then wake about six or earlier. Often only have six hours sleep but I don't feel at all sleep-deprived. When I think of my years on the dreaded Seroquel...always groggy in the morning, 'needing' nine or ten hours!

Saw friends at the cafe this afternoon, and was glad I did...had been wondering how I could get out of it but I actually quite enjoyed it for the first time in a few months. This is a personality issue between me and these two friends. Because I am feeling so good (and working hard at feeling good!) I find it quite hard to be around them, as they are most often not. Today though, being with them did not influence my state of mind at all...which is how it should be I guess. A lot of my social fears are based around the fear of being overwhelmed by others. I've always thought it probably went back to being a child, and being affected by my parents' unhappiness. It's good not to leak your energy out or spring a leak or get drained by others. If I can work out how to stay that way it will be a great discovery.

Take care all! Don't be a stranger...Love, Zoe.

Such a good day!

2007-11-26T10:16:00.000-08:00

In the morning I attended a workshop of an organisation called 'Women Like Us' which helps women returners get back to work. It was shit-hot! There was a big group of us and wow, I did actually feel (by the end of it) that these were indeed, women like me! At the beginning I was a little daunted because I worry that I will be asked questions about my child but nothing like that happened whatsoever...no-one really talked about their kids. We were far too busy talking about ourselves and our desires to get back into the workplace. It was really confidence-building, for me. By the end of it I was, sort of ' I don't hope to get a job, I am going to get a job!' And it lasted all day.

I'm trying to put into practice the advice given by Lynn Grabhorn in her self-help book 'Excuse me, your life is waiting'. Think about your wants not with a sad sense of lack, but with joyful feelings...visualise yourself enjoying whatever it is. That way (she reckons) we magnetise our desires. Focusing on 'don't wants' has the same effect...dwell on your fears and they have a nasty way of coming true! Well I'm keeping an open mind...it's worth a try! Apparently it's the Law of Attraction at work.

After coming from the workshop I went straight to Learn Direct to my ECDL. Very motivated, you see! Lunch is for wimps! I've been skipping it lately and going straight to dinner...saves calories I guess. Then I shopped for cat food. One of my MATCH letters has not arrived to the membership secretary which is worrying me slightly...In future I am going to make a record of people's addresses. There are three membership forms in that letter!

Start new job tomorrow. Also have to buy son's birthday present from COMET.

Note to self...hardly anyone is reading this blog! I need to work on publicity. And getting people to link to me. Take care all, Zoe.

Happy.

2007-11-25T11:15:00.000-08:00

Yeah, cause I heard from my boy and he was chatty and full of it. He'd been to see his fave footie team play, yesterday at the Emirates Stadium. Arsenal v Wigan. He gave me a blow-by blow account of the players he saw and what they did...turns out that his foster mum's brother in law is a physio or paramedic or some such...treats the fallen players on the field, so as a result of that they had privileged seats and J got a player's autograph and practically sat next to the subs bench...Wow! It was a real tonic to hear him so bubbly and chatty. He sounded so much more confident.

Also he did me a great favour by finally deciding what he wanted for his birthday. A Version 2 Ipod shuffle...apparently it is only 50 quid, and you can download 250 songs onto it. I have strict instructions to get the light blue one, from Comet. That's a relief...it's only two weeks till his birthday. He is going to call me on the day.

Been very busy with MATCH post, OA meetings, the gym...got my fruit and veg at the farmer's market today. Am anticipating an even busier week, as I start the new voluntary job on Tuesday, and have a Women Like Us workshop tomorrow morning.

Woke up very early this morning, quite a lot playing on my mind. When it came to my turn to share at OA though I was really lost for words. Just couldn't think what to say so in the end I just wound it up quickly. Sometimes I almost seem to forget how to talk...I do spend a lot of time alone, but I like it that way I guess. Still it would be nice to have a special person in my life. After the meeting got the bus with a friend from my regular meeting. I really like her.

Bought some beautiful yellow lilies for my shrine...nice to have some fresh flowers. How many weeks since I stopped all meds? About four? I know I've lost a BIT of weight because a pair of trousers is no longer uncomfortable, although I still could lose some more! My performance index at the gym has risen to 16 four times in a row, so obviously my fitness levels are building. That's got to be the key to losing these extra pounds, although of course muscle does weigh more than fat!

Went to favourite Japanese clothes shop Uniqlo yesterday and bought a beautiful silver padded coat and a purple merino wool cardi. I don't know how they do such amazing quality goods for such low prices, I really don't.

Take care all! Love, Zoe.

Fine and dandy.

2007-11-20T10:42:00.000-08:00

Last two days have been quite full and productive. Went for an interview at the local voluntary bureau yesterday afternoon...to actually work there (as a volunteer). I start next week! Which is good because I'm getting fed up with waiting for the other job to chase up references. I've agreed to work two days a week at this one, so that I will still have time for the other one when it finally materialises. Although a little worried at how I will fit my IT studies and exercise at the gym around four days a week of work! The nice thing about the volunteer bureau is they're not too strait-laced...it will probably be all right if I go off early sometimes.

Also did my first assessment for the CLAIT qualification. It really was pretty easy...Now I've started on spreadsheets. YAWN! Am learning more at Learn Direct because I can go more at my own pace. Went there today and started the new module. Went to the gym first and worked out hard...beat my own record! My energy levels are really good these days, but sometimes I have to catch up on some extra rest, like yesterday when I went to bed at about eight and slept practically around the clock! Well, my muscles must be using a fair bit of energy, building themselves.

Did my MATCH work earlier. Got to go to OA now. Take care all! Love, Zoe.

A good weekend.

2007-11-18T10:25:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went to an OA meeting in central London and took the opportunity to pick up some shopping while I was there. Then I went to my current fave restaurant in all the world...Vita Organic in Wardour Street. It's taken over the place in my heart hitherto occupied by Country Life, the boringly named but wonderful Seventh Day Adventist vegan place which alas and alack, is no more. Although I have to say that I like a veggie restaurant that has real heart and soul, and maybe it helped that they all believed in something. Vita Organic is wonderfully conscious of nutrition, but there is no religion or particular spirituality in it that I can discern. Although they are very nice and all.

After that I went to my favourite esoteric bookshop, Watkins. Let's face it, probably the only esoteric bookshop that I know of. And still as brilliant as ever. I really enjoyed just browsing for an hour or two. I just bought a 2008 diary and a magazine, Kindred Spirit. Unusual that I escaped without being tempted by a book, but I've noticed that I'm not reading as much as before and need to clear a backlog of unread books before I buy any more.

Today was cold and weather a bit foul. Went to OA meeting, then to the Farmers' Market, then the gym. Then home and cooked carrot and coriander soup and ate some of it with salad and tofu. Now I am struggling with my recalciatrant computer again. It keeps disconnecting and accessing email is getting harder all the time. I really must phone the ISP. I'm getting really fed up.

Have MATCH post to sort out. Have felt stable and calm all weekend. Been using my new lightbox. Take care all! Love, Zoe.

Just a quick one.

2007-11-16T07:19:00.000-08:00

Another beautiful (though short) late autumn day, very cold though. I was up with the lark, needing to get to my test at Learn Direct at nine. It was really hard! Quite a few questions that didn't cover familiar territory at all, or so it seemed to me. But miraculously, I passed with 81%...the pass mark is 75%. That was a relief...I didn't relish the idea of going back over that stuff again...or possibly having to pay to do a retake! The first one is free.

I've got an assessment at my other IT class on Monday too. That will probably be easier...it's word processing and file management, which I'm OK at.

After that I went to the gym. Then I had to meet a friend who had asked me to help her draft a couple of letters. Then I came home and heated up some leftovers for lunch. Have done a wash and made a few phone calls. It's just been all go! Now I am going to meet my friends in the cafe. After that I'm planning to go and see the new film 'Brick Lane', based on a novel I really liked, although apparently the actual inhabitants of Brick Lane are not that happy about it. Controversial, shall we say.

Send up a quick prayer for Jasper. His social worker (the new one, a chap) is going to see him and take him out today. They got on well before...I hope (pray) that J will be cooperative and not clam up. He really does need all the help he can get.

Take care all! Love, Zoe.

Still better.

2007-11-14T12:37:00.000-08:00

Hi people. A perfectly decent day. Did a full session of yoga and meditation before breakfast, then later my yoga class. Then Learn Direct where I was finishing off assignments, talking to my tutor and preparing for a test on Friday. Then picked up some shopping at the supermarket...and home.

Been thinking a lot about having J back to live with me. In some ways I wish I could. If things don't work out with the placement I don't want him going anywhere else. What is the point? It obviously isn't the fault of the placement...the family are so nice and have done their best. Plus they have a lovely house and he has had the opportunity to go to a good school.

It would be better all round if he could just settle down at the new school and stop giving everyone such a bloody hard time. I can't help thinking he is better off with the foster family than with me but sometimes my heart runs away with my head and I just want him back at any cost. I would hardly be surprised now if I heard that Jo is giving up although perhaps I shouldn't even say that...

Oh J, you always were high maintenance and it seems like nothing much has changed except that you are bigger and even more difficult. Lots of anger, says the link worker. But the good news is I have begun to relinquish my illusions of control...and along with them, the killer guilt. Which gives me permission to go on living and even enjoying my life despite knowing that J is having problems.

As this is 'the withdrawal blog' maybe I should mention that I have now been off all psych meds (yippee!) for nearly three weeks. I am still on shedloads of nutritional supplements but am looking at discontinuing some of them eventually. I certainly am feeling my feelings, but that is a good thing...there has been a need to process quite a bit of grief lately and I am aware of many delicately nuanced emotions passing through my body. I am still on a low dose of HRT and have had no recurrence of any menopausal symptoms.

Aargh, my 'puter keeps disconnecting itself. I'm fed up with it! Another call to the ISP I suppose...Take care all. Love, Zoe.

A turn for the better...

2007-11-13T14:14:00.000-08:00

Hi. Yes, around two this afternoon I had some rye toast with grilled tomatoes and from that point on I started feeling better. Probably nothing to do with the tomatoes on toast but who knows? The Lord moves in mysterious ways...I actually managed to get quite a lot from reading today, after quite a long period when I haven't really been connecting with books. I stayed in all day except for OA in the evening. Managed to do my MATCH work and write Jasper a letter, enclosing the Serenity Prayer on a card with Shiva and Parvati on it. God knows we need a little divine intervention!

At some point today, having read a bit of the fourth step inventory guide and 'Women who love too much' I started to feel halfway human again. I started to think maybe I didn't have to totally, like, go into one (why am I doing that? I'm not thirteen!) I can actually carry on sanely living my life and working the steps to the best of my ability and just not take complete responsibility for my son, for everything he does and is and for how he turns out. In other words, blame myself and marinade myself in guilt and shame for the rest of our lives. I need to turn Jasper over to the loving care of the same Higher Power that I trust with my own life.

Giving up the control, the deluded sense of power over the situation was what I was wrestling with earlier today and previous days...I didn't have any shafts of sudden enlightenment or owt like that, but the appalling pain just lifted...as if someone, somewhere, had prayed or interceded for me. Some nun in some nunnery somewhere maybe! Maybe I even interceded for myself without realising it.

OA was really good...a really small meeting, but very intense. Three people cried as they shared and I was almost unbearably moved by two of the stories. It was humbling to hear what others had been through. Someone shared her sadness over her mother being bullied, her own feelings of helplessness over it and (probably) the triggering effect (as she had been bullied herself at school). I could relate, because of my own complicated feelings over Jasper being bullied. Horror that he is suffering - also anger and frustration with him for being vulnerable. And the triggering of my own vulnerability to bullying...I felt bullied as recently as this year, when I ended up having to leave my therapy group.

Have to keep praying...it's powerful stuff. Love, Zoe.

Hurting.

2007-11-13T03:14:00.000-08:00

It hurts so much today that I have had to scale back my activities. I didn't do yoga or meditate. I just prayed and sat still for a long time. I am still desperately worried about Jasper. I spoke to the link worker for the foster family and she went there yesterday and says that Jasper is still 'very angry'.

I am also hurting terribly over Richard. I am in so much pain that I can't do much except sit still and bear it. I can't make sense of it right now, or even think about how to handle it. All I can do is try and endure it. It isn't depression. It isn't mental illness. It's just a lot of grief. I thought of writing some letters today but I can't get beyond 'Dear -'.

I cried before I got up, then cried some more. I didn't want to face another day of this. If Jasper can't hack it with this placement, or they can't cope with him, where in God's name is he going to go? Dealing with my anger and frustration with him is also difficult. What kind of a mother am I to get angry with her son for having problems, especially as some might say I'd partly caused them? I can't say what I feel like blurting out because I don't want anyone to read it and think I am a monster.

I have somehow got to be kind to myself through this. My first reaction is anything but. The inner conflict is so hard to bear. I really have nothing more to say right now. I'm at a loss.

Very sad.

2007-11-12T11:09:00.000-08:00

Hi folks. Getting through today's routine activities was a Herculean effort...now I'm just relieved it's over. My IT class, then Learn Direct, then the gym, then home and cooked beetroot and coconut soup. For the first time in my life I enjoyed something made from beetroot! The lime juice and coconut milk and other seasonings rounded off the rather full-on flavour of the vegetable nicely.

It was a beautiful day but very cold. I couldn't do my full work-out in the gym, I was too full up with grief. I did manage to release some of it on the way home and when I got here...I just had a good cry. I feel better for it. Not to mention the soup!

I have my lightbox on as I type this. Lots of thoughts about Richard were going through my head. The pain of ending and the pain of the way it's ended. One of those on its own would have been enough, but I've got both and also the Jasper business. Maybe one grief fed into the other. And my old grief of losing Jasper to foster care has been triggered again too. I felt hopelessly lonely.

I hardly know what to say about the Richard thing. When people ask after him I say it's over, and then there's the explaining why. The trouble is I hardly know myself. On the face of it he seems to have wanted to end it rather than be challenged by me about anything. But the face of it means very little when you're dealing with such a complicated person as he is. Yet when people ask I make it sound as if it's me who made the decision. Richard has totally left me in the dark as to what he thinks, what he feels, and why we've split up. And that is really hard. I don't know what to say to people. It doesn't make sense at all.

Was I deluded to think we were ever in a committed relationship? I was thinking earlier of writing him a letter. I can't face sending any more emails. Previous efforts have failed miserably. I don't want to just prolong my own suffering. But the not knowing, the not understanding does make the grief worse. Yet knowing and having total insight is not going to relieve all the pain. But maybe some of it. Shit I feel so confused.

What kind of commitment can be so easily put away for no better reason than that you don't want to be challenged?

Folks, I am not about to get the answers. Thanks for reading...Lots of love, Zoe.

Still pretty low.

2007-11-11T10:45:00.001-08:00

I have been really struggling since that meeting on Thursday. It seems to have really triggered me. I went to my Mum's on Friday and stayed over to see my cousin, her husband and kids who were up for the day. The socialising was quite an effort...really I couldn't wait to get back to my own space and as soon as I did, I did feel better...as usual. However I am still having to keep busy to stave off the big D. Today I went to OA in the morning, then to the gym, then came home and did a load of hoovering and dusting, then cooked a meal.

The irony is, I had been looking forward to seeing Jasper, and I really had no idea the meeting was going to be so awful...usually they're not too bad.

Everything is really shite, yet I've managed to do a lot of good things for myself today, starting with a good session of yoga and meditation, plus prayer. I just want Jasper to do good things for HIM self. And stop moaning...put his head down and get on with it. Jesus how bad can it be? One thing I didn't expect was any bullying at this school. It didn't seem like that kind of school at all, but what, you might ask, is that kind of school? I was apprehensive, but more about his behaviour problems surfacing, or him not being able to cope with all the work, but apparently he is doing very well with all that, and has been well-organised and motivated, doing his homework, according to Jo.

I have to read my copy of 'For Today', which has profound thoughts or insights for every day of the year. There is one about letting go of worries about loved ones. I really have a lot of work to do on that score.

Plus I am still hurting over Richard and wish it hadn't ended so badly. It's bad enough it's ended, why the bitterness? That seems to be his way. He always was inclined to be like that...perhaps it's how he handles a perceived rejection. He seems blissfully unaware of the implications of his own, very rejecting behaviour. I am at a loss what to do about it so I will just carry on doing nothing and you can bet your life he will do precisely nothing too. Predictable to the very last.

Take care all...Love, Zoe.

Ouch!

2007-11-08T12:53:00.001-08:00

The review meeting today was purgatorial. Jasper is unhappy at his new school and is being bullied. All my worst nightmares seemed to unfold before me...it felt like an exercise in masochism sitting there while other people detailed everything that is going wrong with him and for him. Can you honestly think of anything worse, for a mother? And he was in silent/sulky mode, refusing to speak or engage with the meeting.

Well we did go for our post-meeting drink...we found a pub that was quite cosy and let kids in. And he did loosen up at bit though it was hard to keep his attention in the busy pub. I gave him one of my pep talks. He gave me a big hug when I went off at the station. It was an incredibly stressful meeting and I thought, my God if ever I was going to go home and 'eat on something' as we say in OA, I would do that now. But I didn't...I just ate a normal, healthy meal.

I told him, in the pub, about the Serenity Prayer. I am going to write it down for him, on a card and send it, because it's something he'll need to really think about, but the thing I was really trying to get across was that he has to understand that there are quite a few things he CAN change as well as certain other things that he can't, and that at the moment I have good reason to believe that he is getting the two somewhat confused.

Jasper can be very frustrating sometimes. He has a tendency to abnegate responsibility for his behaviour. I've always known this and talked to him about it, and now, apparently, Jo is doing exactly the same. Can there be a more important lesson for anyone to learn than that we must take responsibility for ourselves? I only have to think of my Dad...of Jasper's Dad...and to some extent of Richard - to see how this trait can impact on a person's life and not in a good way. My Dad did me a favour in demonstrating to me the perils of blaming everyone else for your problems. Did I want to follow in his footsteps? Heck, no! He was a kind of 'anti role model'.

So you can imagine how I feel when I see Jasper making these mistakes. The difference is that he is young and still learning. What can I do but pray? And keep talking to him about it, and thank God, Jo does the same and as I said to him today, hopefully the two of us have a drip drip drip effect, like raindrops wearing away stone.

Well I'll need to be in touch with my HP quite a lot over the next weeks and months, asking for help and guidance, and just praying for my boy. There is so much he can do to help himself, and really, only a limited amount that others can do, however well-meaning. It is the hardest thing to take a step back. You don't want your beloved only son to suffer at all and yet he has to go through this...it's a challenge, even a rite of passage that he has to face and survive and I know he can do it...it could even be the making of him.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Mmmm...

2007-11-06T14:36:00.000-08:00

'Delivery to a certain ex-partner's email address has been delayed'. How bleeding symbolic is that!!! That really sums up our relationship! It's like shouting at aliens from Planet Earth with a megaphone! It's like bloody Chinese whispers only with just two of you.

All day long I've had a running subtext, phenomenally monotonous in nature, mainly consisting of repeating over and over to myself the magic words 'it's over'. But it's amazing how productive I've managed to be...it's barely distracted me at all from anything important.

Went to the Women Like Us introductory workshop in the morning...it's an organisation which helps women returners get back to work. They were nice and very professional, and they seem to have a lot to offer, though I felt a bit self-conscious in case anyone asked me about my precise family circumstances. They didn't though.

Then I went and had a look at the North London Buddhist Centre. Then I picked up some lunch, Chinese veg, then back to Learn Direct, then the gym, then OA (Overeaters Anonymous). It was a brilliant meeting, a lot more people than there's been for a few weeks, and an excellent chair. There wasn't time for everyone to share and I didn't but it didn't matter really because I had a chance to talk to some of the people I feel close to. And generally I felt I was coming out of myself...I have to go through a certain pain barrier sometimes, verging on social phobia, but if I'm determined enough and have good energy, like today, I make it through. I have to start by sounding quite awkward sometimes but just keep pushing through that until I re-learn the art of conversation.

Someone was there who I know from the mental health scene, and I could feel his depression, he was sitting next to me. I had tried to reach out a bit, but I felt a bit guilty when he said he didn't really feel supported in our meeting.

Then I came home and watched 'Flight of the Conchords' which is quite simply the ONLY thing worth watching on the whole of British TV at the moment. And, naturally, it's from New Zealand!

Take care all...Love, Zoe.

A good day but emotional.

2007-11-05T14:54:00.001-08:00

Goodness my titles really tell it like it is don't they. No more and no less. Well regular bloggers will no doubt know that it isn't always easy to think up a title, and I invariably start with mine. It might be an idea to blog first and title after, I haven't tried that. But my titles are honest - if dull.

Well it was a productive and full day in that I went to class in the morning and Learn Direct in the afternoon, then to the gym for a full work-out (my ankle is OK now) then down to see my friend in the crisis house.

Along the way I noticed I was starting to fulminate about Richard. The anger is kicking in, and the hurt. (After the denial of Saturday!) I probably need to have a really good cry, that hasn't really happened yet. At the moment I am incandescent, and underneath it of course is a lot of pain. Feelings of betrayal, shock, disappointment, disillusionment. It's very painful. I just keep praying for the strength to endure and let it go. And my Higher Power who now has to also double for a Significant Other has totally come up trumps so far.

Best of all is that I am now allowed to feel my bloody feelings! No drugs to dumb me down or chill me out. And no they're not scary and yes they are normal and very real. Which is reassuring.

Take care all...Love, Zoe.

Alone and a bit lonely.

2007-11-03T14:16:00.000-07:00

I've had a very solitary day and evening...not so much as a phone call. As always it's pretty much OK during the day but in the evening I start to feel the loneliness. Yet it was a strangely upbeat day. I felt fantastic when I woke up (and very horny). Just as well not many people read this blog! The last three weeks, since the problems started with Richard, I have been virtually dead from the waist down. Suddenly I woke from a highly erotic dream (involving guess who?) absolutely desperate to get my rocks off! You have to laugh!

Then I started to go into a spot of denial, or call it wilful and foolish optimism, about R. I just felt sure we were going to get back together. I toyed with the idea of playfully sending him a text, and luckily refrained.

I did some yoga and meditated (changing positions) and my ankle was certainly less painful and stiff than yesterday. I think that drinking aloe vera gel really helps as it's a natural anti-inflammatory. Rubbing on the cream seemed to help too. Then I had a lovely breakfast of quinoa porridge with apple, seeds, berries and soya yoghurt and rye/corn toast with coconut oil.

Then I went out for the paper. It was an absolutely beautiful morning and really warm! I was in a T-shirt! I just drank in the autumn colours. My favourite time of year, at least in terms of beauty. On my return, I mowed the lawn. That used to be R's job, so there was three week's worth of growth! But I enjoyed doing it. A bit later, I picked some spinach and made Leith's recipe for 'spinach bhaji', also one of their fab recipes for butternut squash and peanut butter soup (curried). Had some of both with some brown basmati rice for lunch. Listened to a pleasingly spooky play on Radio 7. I often listen to Radio 7 on Saturdays, because Radio 4 can be a bit crap.

I sat outside reading in the sun (and later, it did cloud over). Forgot to mention that this morning before I sat to meditate I created a Buddhist shrine with my new Buddha (pink marble). I knew it needed to have incense, flowers and candles. Later I picked some flowers from the garden.

Really the whole day was somewhat like a solitary retreat. Except that I did get an email from R (responding to mine of last night) and then had to respond with two fairly lengthy efforts of my own. I also went down the road to watch Ally Pally fireworks. It's the only night of the year when my road sees so much people traffic! Usually it's so quiet...and I love that about it. I am truly so blessed. In so many many ways.

I've been burning essential oils in a vapouriser...bergamot, geranium and chamomile. Soothing, balancing, uplifting.

Will probably make it to the East Finchley OA meeting tomorrow. Take care all! Love, Zoe.

Oh dear...again!

2007-11-02T13:26:00.000-07:00

Last night I had an accident. I was walking back from Dual Recovery Anonymous, was only about ten yards from my front door, it was dark, I was tired and was foolishly not wearing my glasses or lenses. I went right over on my left ankle and ended up lying flat on my back on the pavement! Oh the agony! I knew it was a bad one, because I felt sick. Hobbled home...soon found that my ankle swelled up like a cricket ball. Put some aloe vera cream on it. Also had a grazed right knee.

Slept well, but in the morning the ankle still hurt a lot. Bandaged it, skipped yoga AND meditation, and walked, slowly, into Wood Green to the library to do my course. That was OK...I just have to slow down. Doing OK with the Learn Direct course. It's quite hard work though. A lot to take in. Amazing how much I don't know, and very timely that I'm learning it now. Not only will I need it for the workplace, but I also have to manage my computer stuff more independently now that Richard isn't around.

Just been deleting a load of old emails, sent and received. My deleted file had 700-odd emails in it so I just ruthlessly deleted them. I realise now that letting a load of stuff stack up can affect the efficiency of the workings of the 'puter. You can really tell I'm not a tecchie can't you!

Felt very very sad this evening when I was on my way home. It's Friday night and I know that I'm going to be alone for most of the weekend. No intimacy with anyone. But it was OK. It's natural, normal emotion, nothing to do with depression or mood disorders. I'm thankful to be so normal.

It's about a week since I discontinued the 250mg of Epilim. No noticeable withdrawal symptoms. Maybe just feeling my feelings a little more, maybe that's part of the sadness thing, but it's also the grieving process, which often doesn't kick in right away, it happens over time. Duh, that's why they call it a process!

I feel sorry that the break-up hasn't been mature or sensible. I would have liked to be grown up about it. I'm not into getting bitter and twisted about people that I've been close to. But maybe I have to accept a certain amount of froideur from Richard as the price I have to pay. A sort of double whammy really, because not only have I lost a close relationship but I have to handle the fall-out too.

But Gloria Gaynor and I, you know, we'll survive... Take care all, love Zoe.

Still good.

2007-10-29T12:53:00.001-07:00

Did yoga this morning and an amazing session of mindfulness meditation. Made me realise that I need to start practising regularly again. I bought a meditation stool and was doing little but look at it. It makes sitting very painless and easy, much better than using cushions, it seems to take all the weight off your knees! I also bought a beautiful new pink marble buddha recently from a lovely oriental shop in Muswell Hill. The lady said that having a buddha in your home creates an atmosphere of peace. I'm picky about buddhas but this one really called to me. And now I'm starting to meditate again!

After that I went to my IT course. That was OK although I felt a bit tired. Then I had an interview/assessment with a lady at the day centre. I got on really well with her and it was nice to talk about my life and about the things that are working well for me. She was genuinely interested. Then I went to the gym. I half thought I wouldn't be able to hack it again, like last week, but this time I managed to do my usual workout, about an hour's worth of aerobic plus some resistance training. That made me feel really good. I so missed my visits to the gym while I was suffering with that blessed cold!

Then I came home and made baked tempeh with satay sauce with some steamed veg and sprouted salad. Super healthy or what! I had a parcel from Forever Living Products. Then I saw Gianna's blog with someone called SF Jane doing a YouTube about her spectacular recovery from bipolar disorder using meditation plus nutrition and 'true yogic lifestyle'! Spooky or what! She seems like an amazing person. Very inspiring stuff. And I totally, totally relate.

Life is good and recovery is great! Look after your dear selves...Zoe.

A good day.

2007-10-28T12:30:00.000-07:00

Very productive and not at all lonely. In the morning, after a session of yoga (yay!) and breakfast I went to OA in East Finchley...it was really lovely, and someone did a great chair. I knew a couple of the people from my home meeting so it wasn't too strange. Although when I came to share I struggled to get my words out. Managed to say 'thank you for your chair it was thought-provoking' but I couldn't for the life of me think what specifically I liked about it, my mind was a blank. A bit embarrassing. But I was really glad I went and will definitely go again, in fact I might make it a regular thing, now that my Sundays will be more solitary.

Went to the supermarket to get cat food, then to the Farmer's Market to get my weekly veggies. Then home for a lovely lunch of sprouted mixed salads and my spicy spinach soup. Then I did some MATCH work and filled in an application form for something called the 'expert patients programme'. Went online and ordered a light box. Janey Lee Grace highly recommends them, and now the evenings are drawing in, well I like the idea of more light.

I had a string of phone calls, my Mum in the morning then two friends and Jasper...not used to being so popular. Jasper was a bit quiet. When I mentioned school he said 'can we not talk about school?' I was immediately a bit worried. But I guess it's normal...I probably would have felt just the same after a half-term holiday, at the thought of going back. He went to play footie in the park with an old friend from primary school yesterday. He went to France on Friday, a day trip with Jo and the girls. He said I love you...

I didn't really feel like talking either! Maybe because I had to pretend everything was going along as normal, when in fact, well my long-term relationship has broken up and that's going to take some adjusting to. I didn't want to worry him with that. One of my closest friends has been getting on my nerves. I feel that I need to work a bit harder on the Twelve Steps and see if I can't find a bit of extra compassion in my heart! I have random bitchy thoughts about other people too sometimes, even strangers, which give me pause for thought. I mean what's that about?

I do feel a bit confused, my mental clarity is not the greatest today.But I'm looking forward to getting back to the gym in the course of this week. Today is my third day with no psych meds whatsoever. I need to monitor how I do quite closely for the next few weeks. Lots of love, Zoe.

Another day.

2007-10-27T11:05:00.001-07:00

And it wasn't a bad one. I went to the day of lectures in Bloomsbury and at first was not impressed. But it might have been partly my mood that made me react like that to Janey Lee Grace. Her second talk interested me more...she got onto natural alternatives to cleaning products and laundry stuff! The real star of the show however was Mark Atkinson who came on in the afternoon. They laid on a very acceptable healthy buffet lunch, after which I went walkabout in Bloomsbury to my favourite wholefood store there, Alara.

Doctor Mark was lovely. The topic of his talks was emotional health and I really appreciated his calm, compassionate approach. He was also much more spiritual than Patrick Holford, who comes across as more of a scientist. He talked about 'emotrance', and other ways of releasing difficult emotions. Also stuff about using visualisation to set and achieve goals. He said we all need goals, but it's best to keep them realistic, specific and positive. As I had been feeling quite low his ideas and advice were very apposite and uplifting. There was quite a big audience, the lecture theatre (in the School of Pharmacy) was full. Mostly women...as always with these kinds of events. Downstairs the Higher Nature nutrition company had all their products laid out plus the books of Janey, Mark and Patrick Holford. I was after my initial misgivings, very glad I went...especially as I only paid half price for the ticket. More later...love, Zoe.

Still a bit done in.

2007-10-26T05:53:00.000-07:00

My cold is tailing off but it (and the nasty cold sore) have left me rather depleted. I tried to go to the gym today, in fact, got there but after ten minutes on the stationary bike I had had enough and conceded defeat.

However some good news...I got the voluntary job at Mind. They are checking references now. I also filled in a form applying for a voluntary placement in one of Islington's libraries.

Tomorrow I am going to a day of talks about emotional health and nutrition with Dr Mark Atkinson and other assorted personalities. It's good for me to keep busy, active and mentally occupied at the moment. I am glad I won't be sitting around tomorrow with too much time to think. There is also an OA meeting in nearby Finchley on Sunday morning which I might go to. Now that Richard won't be around I will need to make more effort, socially. Which is no bad thing.

Thought I might go and see Michael Moore's new film 'Sicko' at the Phoenix cinema this evening. First I am meeting two friends for tea.

Got my appetite back after it went walkabout when I went down with this cold. Made a lovely spicy spinach and coconut soup with the spinach from the garden. A taste sensation!

Took no sodium valproate this morning for the first time, after being on 250mg for the last two or three weeks. Now need to see how I go. Easy does it...Love, Zoe.

It's all over...

2007-10-24T11:37:00.000-07:00

...between me and Richard. We had the mother of all awful rows on Sunday afternoon. Things got so bad Richard seemed to think he needed to call the police...I had to wrestle the phone off him! I cried a great deal and shouted and yelled a lot too. My intention for us to talk things through yielded nothing, a big zilch. Richard had nothing to say to me. And everything that I had to say, I said. It was one big emotional splurge. Luckily in the evening I had arranged to see a friend for supper.

Next day I felt amazingly OK. I expected to be wrung out and very emotional but instead I felt energised and excited. It was as if I had expunged most of the sadness and grief the previous day...I went to my Fellowship group and shared, happily, about what I had done. Then I went to visit my Mum. We had a nice time together, visiting Canterbury and shopping for a few clothes for me. I found some absolute bargains, and we had lunch out in a wholefood cafe.

I returned to London to attend my Overeaters group, and ended up filling the 'chair' slot as we had been let down. That's where someone in recovery tells the group their story...how their food issues developed for instance, and how OA impacted on them. With no preparation whatsoever and only six months in OA behind me I did OK. My story doesn't focus on food so much as the mood disorder that started to plague me from age 19 onward. However there were three others in the meeting who had experience of mental hospitals so there was a fair bit of identification. People thanked me for my honesty. I had a very warm feeling from all the positive feedback.

Things are going on satisfactorily. This afternoon I went to register at Learn Direct at the local library so that I can study for the ECDL (European Computer Driving Licence) there. I had to do a numeracy and a literacy test! They were surprisingly hard, I thought! I ended up with a Level Two in both and the irony was that I seemed to get more right answers in Numeracy than Literacy! I couldn't believe how many wrong answers I got in Literacy! But no matter because you only need Level One to be accepted on the course. I start tomorrow...yippee!

Richard sent me a couple of emails. He said he is very down about what has happened. But anything he says now is too little too late. As for me I have nothing left to say. I said it all...

I attended an interview at MIND last Friday. It seemed to go well though I haven't heard yet if I got the (voluntary) job. I have to take my Criminal Record check down there. There are also other irons in the fire...possibly working in the local volunteer bureau, and also getting a voluntary placement in one of the Islington libraries. (Haringey ones don't take volunteers as yet).

Health wise I still have the tail end of my cold, have a cold sore trying to come up on my lip (mmm, nice!) and feel a little tired. Made it to yoga today but not to the gym.

Take care all...love, Zoe.

Oh dear.

2007-10-18T04:05:00.000-07:00

I'm having a very bad time with Richard. In a five line email last night he managed to convey that he thinks I am dishonest. That I said something (about him) that 'if I am honest with myself' I know to be false. Deeply patronising as well as insulting. A propos of pretty much nothing. I was so upset I texted him several times and he has told me to 'stop as he is trying to work'. I've also sent him several emails. I'm so shocked and upset. It's thrown me and I am already starting to think it's effectively over between us. After eight and a half years. I just need to pray for the strength to do what I must. Whatever that is. Oh dear oh dear.

Feeling better.

2007-10-17T13:26:00.000-07:00

Have been forced to take it easy the last few days but perhaps that was no really bad thing. And as I don't get a lot of colds these days hopefully this one will be out of the way and I can get on with work unimpeded when I start! This morning I had to go back to bed and sleep for a couple of hours, waking with a most peculiarly creative nightmare...it involved violent pornography and was so plausible and real-seeming that I thought it must have been on the radio but no, I dreamt it up all by myself! Well I suppose it's creativity of a sort but it was fairly disturbing!

Having that little nap seemed to help with the rest of the day. I've spent it mostly on the internet, doing a little MATCH post (my voluntary work) and OA Treasury, looking through all the bits and pieces that I brought back from the recruitment fairs last week and generally getting organised. It's been one of those days when I am really happy in my own company. Oh and some good news...I heard from MIND the mental health charity that I applied to for work. I've got an interview there for both the positions (admin and advocacy worker) on Friday.

Tomorrow I have to meet my new care coordinator. Her name is Alison. Wendy was my social worker for two years and she was the best ever, sadly missed now she has had to change teams. This new one won't be as nice I'm afraid...she didn't charm a friend of mine but I must try to be as open minded as poss.

I'm on 250mg Sodium Valproate (half a tablet) and will stay on that for a little while more before cutting it in half. No noticeable effects. All my hormonal problems are gone since I started HRT although I have to say I'm not 100% comfortable about being on it and will give it three months before maybe coming off it and seeing how I go without it and just the natural supplements like dong quai, black cohosh and natural progesterone cream.

Take care!

Oh dear.

2007-10-16T04:42:00.000-07:00

I'm going through stuff. Things started to go a bit pear-shaped on Saturday after an interesting, even exciting, and productive week when I was exercising, job-hunting and attending recruitment fairs. I had agreed to go to the OA convention (Overeaters Anonymous), to the business meeting which was all day Saturday and it took a full two hours to get there (on the tube to Heathrow and a Hoppa bus) and the same back. Factor in that I was starting to go down with a nasty cold...and the air-con was either too hot or too cold. I didn't know anyone there and had to struggle to follow what motions and amendments were being discussed at a given time. The idea was that I was there to represent my group and support the Convention ...well that's one particular 'service' I probably won't volunteer for again in a hurry!

Then when I finally made it back I was struggling to get along with Richard. On Sunday things went further downhill and any efforts to sort them out or make them better seemed doomed to fail. Basically what it seemed to come down to is that my trust in Richard has taken a hammering, because I can't voice anything that smacks of criticism without him flying off the handle and threatening to leave.

And after he left on Sunday afternoon I just felt rotten. Ill, exhausted and depressed. Have spent much of the last few days in bed. Have contact with Jasper on Saturday and don't really know what to do...probably go rowing on the River Lea provided the weather holds out. I wish to God for once he would come up with something to do...I wouldn't mind going to his home town but he used to have this thing about not wanting to be seen with me and I don't know if he still does.

Got the first post for about two weeks this morning. I've really missed it! I'm worried about the state of my relationships generally. Where am I going wrong? Feel like an outcast and a social pariah...Take care all, Zoe.

Irritable!

2007-10-08T13:24:00.000-07:00

I'm incredibly calm most of the time these days, compared to how I was. My mood is very stable...I don't have much in the way of highs and lows. I got a bit irritated with my Mum on the phone just now, but that's nothing to write home about...

I am still deep in job applications and trawling through vacancies etc. Part of me gets a little frustrated with it (I want it now!) but I also know that it's worth taking the time and the trouble to find the right placement, to fine-tune it a bit because I'm 45 now and no longer have all the time in the world. Whatever I take on next has to have a rhyme and a reason to it, it has to lead somewhere, has to be useful to my future career path.

Health wise I am very well. No complaints! Except that I wouldn't mind losing some more weight and am not finding it easy despite the optimum nutrition! A few days ago I decided to halve my sodium valproate, using a pill cutter to split my 500mgs into two. I haven't noticed much difference (except maybe the irritability!) Haven't had any physical symptoms, touch wood.

I am taking up a service position in my local Overeaters Anonymous...Treasurer. I'm still religiously working out in the gym three times a week and have also taken up Pilates classes which I quite like. Plus daily yoga sessions before breakfast. Talked to my boy on the phone today. He seems well...has started to make friends at the new school, he was invited round to a new friend's house today. A week on Saturday our next contact is due. As usual I will have to come up with an idea for what to do.

I am sleeping tons better since I started exercising regularly and my confidence is greater too. I am having to spend less time with certain friends who I find draining - too negative. I don't have endless patience and compassion for people who don't seem to be helping themselves.

Take care everyone...Love, Zoe.

Let's count 'em...

2007-09-27T05:26:00.000-07:00

...the blessings that is. I certainly haven't gone short of blessings in my life, now or ever. And that phase I went through of what seemed like chronic fatigue, whatever caused it, has made me doubly appreciative of my now pretty normal energy levels.

I am going to carry on taking 500mg Sodium Valproate for a few weeks just to see that my health is stable on that and then look at beginning to reduce it.

This morning I've been filling in application forms for voluntary positions in a local mental health centre (MIND). One is general admin, another is volunteer advocate, helping clients get their views across to professionals. At the moment I'm more inclined toward the first because it seems less exposing and more behind the scenes. Also I know who the advocacy services manager is and am not wild keen on working with her. As I filled in the forms I realised that I have tons of relevant experience and skills for this type of work, although I have no grand ambitions to be a mental health worker as such and sometimes I guess I feel I might just like to move right away from the scene.

I've thought some more about taking some kind of qualification in Nutrition. There is one course in Nutrition for Complementary Therapists at a local college...it starts in January, provided there is enough uptake. I actually am a qualified aromatherapist although I've never really practised as such.

I'd like to eventually work with mental health service users around nutrition...that would combine both my longstanding interests.

I consider myself recovered from 'severe and enduring' mental health problems. Yes I can still get depressed moods but they are usually related to circumstances and they don't last long. I feel my health, mental and physical, is within my own hands. I think I am most unlikely to have another episode of mania. That is my intuitive hunch. I simply need to stick to a broadly low GL diet, take my supplements, refrain from alcohol, drugs, nicotine, caffeine and sugar, get adequate rest and exercise regularly and minimise stress.

It's turned chilly on this island of Blighty...makes me feel a little like hibernating but instead I have to go out and meet the employment advisor, go to the college and enrol for my IT course and then go to the West End for DRA...Dual Recovery Anonymous. Take care all...love, Zoe.

Update...

2007-09-23T12:15:00.000-07:00

Hiya. Yesterday was a little bit crap, so was Friday. But today was better. We had some lovely late summer sunshine and Richard was here, he has a way of cheering me up bless him.

I've been feeling frustrated by the lack of structure in my life. I am looking for a voluntary job that will significantly add to my skills and which will take me in the right direction career-wise but last week I just didn't seem to make a lot of headway despite my efforts and ended up feeling lost, confused and my drive heading for my boots.

Sometimes I guess I'm frustrated with me, me, me...here I am , 45 and still seemingly no nearer to knowing what I was put on this earth to do? Maybe that's the point, maybe I've got to stop thinking like that, it's too idealistic, too grandiose. Most people aren't doing that but most people are doing something and that's maybe enough.

At the same time I'd be lying if I said I'm happy to do anything. I'm manifestly not. And the financial incentive is not really there, at least not right now. But having practically cured myself of the most disabling type of manic depression I can't in all conscience carry on pretending to be incapable. In another six months or so I will have to sit down and fill in my disability form and I won't be telling lies. I never have told lies and I'm not going to start now.

I have a comfortable life, a lovely home and I have never been particularly materialistic or hankered after 'the good things in life'...I've been spectacularly lucky to have landed where I have considering the random nature of social housing and so on. I lean towards the minimalist and like simplicity, peace and quiet, even to the point of being slightly reclusive. So work for me is almost entirely about personal development, making a contribution, building my self-esteem and even perhaps making up for a lot of lost time. It is no less important for all that.

I decided not to pursue my higher education any further until I have been in the workplace for a while (even as a volunteer) and therefore have some idea of the purpose of further study. I loved my time at University but there was a point to that...I knew I was fulfilling the potential I had and proving something to myself and the world. Further studies right now would have felt like over-egging the pudding. Maybe later.

Just some thoughts. Love, Zoe.