Domestic mortality...

...as opposed to Nigella's Goddess. Been cleaning, cooking, baking bread, shopping, washing, oh you know the drill. Saw the Crisis Team this morning and tried not to wind them up too much. Bit tired. Still not got gym-energy back.

Back to my pernnial moan: waah, everyone has more readers than me, and right now do not have the energy or the ingenuity to do anything much about it.

Listening to James Bond on BBC Radio 4. It's a clevering-up treatment of a genre that usually leaves me cold, which I've found quite listenable.

Looking forward to Richard coming over. Run dry of ideas for now...Love, Z.

Hello lovelies!

I can hardly contain my probably unseemly delight that no less a personage than Jane has linked to me. It feels as if I have suddenly and unexpectedly achieved a lifetime's ambition after years of poorly-rewarded effort. Watch out Zoe, she linked to you, but probably got you mixed up with someone else! She can unlink when she reads your shameless grovelling comment on her blog, that let's face it, is only there because she linked to you!

Oh hell, I know how ridiculous I am! Now I feel I have something to live up to, and I have that feeling that apparently a lot of people in high-powered jobs have, that it's only a matter of time before 'they' find out.

I'm no good at being something I'm not so I just have to gulp, bite the bullet and carry on with the usual ravings my mostly non-existent readers have come to know ( if not love) me for. Anyway, as I noted on my Moodgarden blog (yes, there's more of this over there under username 'Stricken' for anyone who just can't get enough! You have to have a mood disorder and join first though!) I am narcissistic in the extreme. I am so 'up' myself that probably people are just struck dumb or incorrectly deduce that I don't require their reflections or comments.

Anyway, back on Planet Earth...I am quite perky today (even more so now of course!) As I might have said before, this episode is nothing like previous ones. I have got to say it, all my efforts to treat the illness holistically, by means of yoga, meditation, careful diet (and veganism), exercise and a highly structured lifestyle HAVE paid dividends. I am really a transformed person. Listening to Mary J Blige 'No More Drama' on my Ipod and she is pretty much mirroring where I feel I'm at in my life. Soap operas, even real-life ones, have very limited appeal for me. They are just not nearly real enough. The kind of blogs that drivel on about MIL's visit (Mother-in-Law for the uninitiated), OK, I'm sorry, they often seem to garner a lot more readers than I can muster, but, in Morrissey's words 'I was bored before I even began'.

The Soap of Zoe and her phantasmagorical inner and outer life is what fascinates me. OK I might have a job persuading anyone else to be equally interested but at least I'm levelling with you dear and most cherished readers.

But I've harassed you enough for one day. Take great care until the next time...Zoe.

Hello oh thankless blog!

Yes blog, you are a little thankless. All the literary efforts I pour out here and they are apparently hardly read let alone appreciated! It's almost embarrassing how few readers I seem to have. What is more, blog, while we're at it, sometimes you don't even let potential readers access you. Why blog, why?

I seem destined to struggle on in almost total obscurity. And never to meet that Perfect Partner that I raved so psychotically about in my last entry.

Heard the song that goes 'If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with'? Well that is the story of my life. However I'm feeling a little old for that philosophy, and getting pickier all the time. My so-called psychosis doesn't help. I daren't tell you in bald terms what my biggest and most grandiose delusion is. Any readers that I've accidentally garnered would no doubt scuttle off in fright if I did. Let's draw a veil.

I've developed a sort of tunnel vision in the course of this episode. I hardly look to left or right. There is very little pleasure in my life. OK, that's part of depression. But the mania wasn't any fun either. I'm pretty much completely anhedonic. I enjoy (sometimes) smoking a roll-up, eating and sleeping. The last, only because there is no consciousness. I don't wake up depressed. I am still a morning person.

This episode has resulted in an almost complete personality change in many other ways though. I mean, smoking! After three years 'clean'! Eating shedloads of sugar! After being Patrick Holford's Number One disciple. Drinking coffee again...ooh how lovely it is to have the license to do that!

Still have my gym membership but not the physical or mental strength to get down there just yet. My life is still struggling to right itself, like one of those toys with weight in the bottom. However I did get to my yoga class yesterday and managed to do the whole practice which I was pleased about.

Still have the Crisis Team coming round which feels more like a duty I have to perform than something I actively take spiritual sustenance from. But they have acted in good faith throughout so I must return the compliment.

Am attending Dual Recovery Anonymous meetings which are more than a duty. However, do find going all the way into central London a bit of a trial to the nerves. Try to shelter behind the armour of my Ipod as best I can. Am simply overwhelmed by the utter futility of most people's lives. Which is sort of a reversal of the usual depressive story...where it's your own futility that overwhelms you most. I am still meekly waiting to inherit the earth...'if that's all right with the rest of you'.

I know, I'm grandiose, psychotic, lacking in insight. There's nothing you can tell me about that that I don't know and worse, have to live with every day. Pity me, don't judge I beg you! I have given up on fitting in. I never will. I'm not normal and believe me I really have given it my best shot.

Take care dear peeps. Love, Zoe.

Mama's got a brand new bag...

Yeah, I spilt orange juice all over my last one (brown leather). This one suits me better so 'bye-bye'. What can I tell you? Been sleeping a lot better. Have done crack once in a week which I reckon amounts to moderation. Am cooking, eating better. My Ipod still helps me get through the days. Whivh are far too long. Only really happy when I'm asleep, hey, you know the drill.

This episode is different, so very different from previous ones. Still addicted to listening to music, whereas usually once I'm depressed I don't want to know. Can laugh and smile with the right people. Don't feel ugly and worthless most of the time.

I feel powerful. I know I am powerful. They say that's the biggest aphrodisiac but maybe that's just men because I'm finding it has the opposite effect. Can't get a new man in my life for love or money. In the meantime Richard is a treasure. It's just he's only with me twice a week. When he leaves I plummet down again.

Tocay I plan on going to the Farmer's Market to get some fresh local produce. Generally getting back into the old routine but minus the self-pressure to get a job etc. It doesn't matter a tuppenny damn whether I work or not. Get back into my spiritual practice too. My fellowships. Keep lighting the candles, burning the incense and hope that Higher Power will have pity on me eventually and bring that new man into my life. The one who will be powerless to resist!

Love you...Zoe.

Mood check on a scale of 1 to 10...

Hi peeps. Yesterday was pretty shit as I felt myself start to plummet down. However Richard was here and that cheered me up. This morning I feel a bit better. Still generally despairing about my single status. In answer to your question Jana, yeah for sure I want and need a life partner. I'm 46 for God's sake. And menopausal! That's a lot of years to be on your own.

Have upped the ante on the healthy diet. Now have much fewere sweets. No need, as I no longer have that permanent awful taste in my mouth.

Thanks to Richard's son I've now got a recharged mobile phone so hopefully some of my friends (so-called!) will rally round. I can absolutely never depend on that though. When depressed I have the effect on people of a magnet in reverse. They are repelled without even realising it. And when high, oh don't they all love to crowd around and have a good laugh.

Moodgardeners who make it here, I tried to blog at Moodgarden just now and was told in no uncertain terms that I could not blog there. Wonder what that was about? Am I considered a dangerous subversive in those parts for being part of the withdrawal community? Doubt it. The MGers are far too nice to engage in that kind of exclusion. Anyone who comes here can access the blog at MG, but you have to be bipolar or depressed, and join first. My user name is Stricken.

Good thing I've got this place anyway. Thanks to Gianna at Bipolar Blast for her very kind and helpful message of support by email. Love you all folks...Zoe.

Calling Interwebbers anonymous...

Hi there. Checking in for the day. Had a much better night's sleep thanks to the doc's advice yesterday to take my Zyprexa last thing. Consequently feel much fresher, and have had a nice bath and breakfasted on wheat-free toast and black coffee. Still Ipodding away. Determined not to let any of youse fuck up my day!

Admittedly it's lonely in my little house all alone. Even the Crisis Team come as a welcome relief, especially now they've decided to actually start helping me instead of firing off irrelevant and inane questions. An Occupational Therapist even came yesterday and helped me a great deal by making constructive suggestions about how to best pass the time. I followed his advice to go for a walk in my local park, Alexandra Palace. Enjoyed nature, seeing happy mothers with their babes and an orange ice lolly in the shade when I got to the top, at the boating lake. He also sensibly told me to leave my fags at home, and I did that too.

What do I have to complain of? I am sure you can hear that 'but' coming! Well same old same old. I'm lonely. I would like a full-time partner, and would even consider trading in Richard for a new model, as neither he nor I wants to live together. Everyone needs someone! I ain't no nun!

Don't get me wrong. Richard is an absolute treasure, and without him I quite simply would not have made it thus far. He's kind and decent to a fault. But my friend Angie says 'he is Immanence and I am Transcendence. He is stronger than I am and squashes me flat in any dispute. Plus he has the trump card of being able to leave me with equanimity. he loves me to bits but we both know that we are not life partners. And he has a roving eye!

Angie also gave me a new phrase to conjure with. She said that she has 'Gemini Status'. Made being born in June seem like a disease! I thought that was very funny and clever and immediately started to talk about having Gemini Status myself despite being born in unlucky old Pisces! What it implies first and foremost is the feling that you are a two for the price of one. Also, that you have a twin who you may or may not know. In Peter Cook's words, 'Tragically I was an only twin'.

Waxing philosophical here. Well it makes a change from talking about the blasted laundry. I have aspirations to develop a reputation for reliability, dependability and being ultimately a very down to earth person. Coulfd have my work cut out, 'cause none of the planets in my horoscope are in Earth signs, not one. Correction, my Pluto is in Virgo, but so is that of millions of other, because Pluto moves exceeding slowly. Oh Zoe I hear you groan, you don't believe all that stuff do you? Put it this way, I'd like to. Astrology makes life seem so simple. I devour astrology books in the same way other women devour Mills and Boon romances.

Enough Thoughts for the Day for now. I'm off to smoke another skinny roll-up. I now look pregnant by the way from all the sweeties. God make me whole and healthy again. Amen. Love you! Zoe xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Well hello Internet!

All these secure web pages would make a lesser person impatient if not frankly honicidal but we vegans are made of stronger stuff! Did you know? That vegans make good body builders and marathon runners? Zoe's Thought for the Day.

How am I today? I'm really f****** good actually since you ask! I feel fucking amazing. See if that one makes it on to the Net. The Man can't ban me, the waves can't silence me, I'm out of the motherfucking closet screaming Hi honeys I'm home! And the policemen in England are my friends, har har har!

Scuse the dodgy cackling but what do you expect of a menopausal minx living in Horny Hornsey North London? Listening to hard core hip-hop fresh from the ghetto until her shell-like ears bleed?

Revealing myself to myself seems to be the order of the day and as I believe in focusing on the job in hand that's what I'm gonna do. Delusions of grandeur are a thing of the past. If I ever get that stack of ironing done though, just nail my head to the ironing board because my effing life is short too iron!

Emptying ash-trays, making black coffee, cooking dinner from raw veggies, shopping for provisions and upping the ante on my healthy diet are mainly what I'm about 'Just for Today'. A also mindfully light incense and candles but rarely get round to any meditation. I'm more of a contemplative by nature. Sometimes my own reflection tells me just what I need to know, and if that makes me guilty of 'Narcissitic Personality Disorder' then it's a fair cop Guv. I'm on the money and in England that's the Queen's head we see.

I love you all dear readers but better 'fess up. I love myself even more.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx