Update...

Hiya. Yesterday was a little bit crap, so was Friday. But today was better. We had some lovely late summer sunshine and Richard was here, he has a way of cheering me up bless him.

I've been feeling frustrated by the lack of structure in my life. I am looking for a voluntary job that will significantly add to my skills and which will take me in the right direction career-wise but last week I just didn't seem to make a lot of headway despite my efforts and ended up feeling lost, confused and my drive heading for my boots.

Sometimes I guess I'm frustrated with me, me, me...here I am , 45 and still seemingly no nearer to knowing what I was put on this earth to do? Maybe that's the point, maybe I've got to stop thinking like that, it's too idealistic, too grandiose. Most people aren't doing that but most people are doing something and that's maybe enough.

At the same time I'd be lying if I said I'm happy to do anything. I'm manifestly not. And the financial incentive is not really there, at least not right now. But having practically cured myself of the most disabling type of manic depression I can't in all conscience carry on pretending to be incapable. In another six months or so I will have to sit down and fill in my disability form and I won't be telling lies. I never have told lies and I'm not going to start now.

I have a comfortable life, a lovely home and I have never been particularly materialistic or hankered after 'the good things in life'...I've been spectacularly lucky to have landed where I have considering the random nature of social housing and so on. I lean towards the minimalist and like simplicity, peace and quiet, even to the point of being slightly reclusive. So work for me is almost entirely about personal development, making a contribution, building my self-esteem and even perhaps making up for a lot of lost time. It is no less important for all that.

I decided not to pursue my higher education any further until I have been in the workplace for a while (even as a volunteer) and therefore have some idea of the purpose of further study. I loved my time at University but there was a point to that...I knew I was fulfilling the potential I had and proving something to myself and the world. Further studies right now would have felt like over-egging the pudding. Maybe later.

Just some thoughts. Love, Zoe.