Thursday, July 17, 2008

Still out for the count

I've been ill with the flu and more or less out of action all week, any plans scuppered. Am hoping to get to Bonkersfest on Saturday, at Camberwell Green, South London, though. Anyway I've been interwebbing away today, hardly commenting or writing anything, just reading and imbibing others' wisdom. Been at SF Jane's for the last couple of hours, she is really something else. I am impressed by her to the point of paralysis. She is so alive, so intelligent and articulate. And the way she delivers the videos as well as the writing. And her story. OK, I'm just gushing now.

It may be partly the depression but I don't have a lot of self-confidence or esteem right now. I don't rate my abilities highly. I feel a little bit brain dead. Reading a lot of other people's blogs is good but there comes a point where I need to start doing something myself. Finding a way to frame my own thoughts.

I am still gutted that I had to go back on meds because I had a recurrence of mania. I suppose I felt that I would have to stay on them forever and that meant giving up hope of recovering by other means.

You know what? I don't know any of this. I don't know what the future holds. I feel too confused, ill and fog-brained right now to come to any clear conclusions. For me God or a Higher Power seems to be something I need in my life to have any sense of security, peace or equanimity. Chaos and mental torment have ravaged me of late. I still don't have my feet on solid ground.

Take care though...


zania said...

Hi Zoe,
Hope you are feeling better than when you wrote this post. Bonkerfest looks good, so I hope you made it there. I lived in London for a while but before they started Bonkerfest. Shame I would have enjoyed it.

As to your lack of self-esteem, it doesn't have to be the depression (although of course it might be). You've been ill with flu. It's bound to make you feel like crap and make any other things you are feeling seem worse.
(Must remember to tell myself that some time) ;)

And you went back on the meds. So what? You don't have to stay on them forever. You haven't failed. Just had a setback.

I know just how difficult it is to come off of meds. They suck, but sometimes you just need them. And as for anyone who has a higher power to help them get through things, I bet some of those people are on meds too.

You'll find what works best for you and it may not be the same thing at all times. You just have to 'go with the flow'.
(Sorry about the cliche, but I couldn't come up with anything better).

Anyway, I hope you got to Bonkerfest!

Take care


Gianna said...

how was bonkerfest?

is that associated with Mad Pride?

and Mind Freedom...a friend was trying to get me to go to a local event...

I don't really consider myself Mad though! But I think it may have been fun.

Zoe said...

Hi Zania, thank you so much for your kind and uplifting comment. Also, a big thank you for referencing me on your blog and putting me on your blogroll. That in itself is always enough to put a wan smile on my face!

Just kidding, actually I had quite a good weekend, did get to Bonkersfest and will write it up later. Needless to say I will be paying more regular visits to your blog in the future - and commenting! Promise!

Hi Gianna, thanks for commenting, I need to catch up with your blog (and comment!). I quite see how blogging and having an 'Internet presence' can easily become a full time job. Lucky I have a voluntary job with an understanding employer!

Love, Zoe.