Friday, November 30, 2007

So quiet here it's embarrassing...

Yes it's reminiscent of a nun's cell in this blog, just the sound of my tapping on the keyboard, echoing off the walls...

Well, no I'm not a nun, though I might as well have taken a vow of celibacy for all the action I'm getting in that department. But you know what? I'm too busy to care most of the time. In my driven little way I've been running around all week, multitasking like crazy.

Have to admit I'm frankly jealous of other bloggers who rejoice in possessing actual readers! I have got to check out some sites that give you advice on how to publicise your blog. Can't go on like this!

At the gym my Performance Index rose to 18 yesterday, after plateauing at 16 four days in a row. My energy levels have been fabulous, and I feel and look like the picture of health.

Have now been off all psych meds for about five weeks and I finally am starting to lose a bit of weight. Another effect of being med-free appears to be that I just don't need anywhere near the same amount of sleep to get by. It isn't insomnia or anything...I just go to sleep say about eleven and then wake about six or earlier. Often only have six hours sleep but I don't feel at all sleep-deprived. When I think of my years on the dreaded Seroquel...always groggy in the morning, 'needing' nine or ten hours!

Saw friends at the cafe this afternoon, and was glad I did...had been wondering how I could get out of it but I actually quite enjoyed it for the first time in a few months. This is a personality issue between me and these two friends. Because I am feeling so good (and working hard at feeling good!) I find it quite hard to be around them, as they are most often not. Today though, being with them did not influence my state of mind at all...which is how it should be I guess. A lot of my social fears are based around the fear of being overwhelmed by others. I've always thought it probably went back to being a child, and being affected by my parents' unhappiness. It's good not to leak your energy out or spring a leak or get drained by others. If I can work out how to stay that way it will be a great discovery.

Take care all! Don't be a stranger...Love, Zoe.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Such a good day!

In the morning I attended a workshop of an organisation called 'Women Like Us' which helps women returners get back to work. It was shit-hot! There was a big group of us and wow, I did actually feel (by the end of it) that these were indeed, women like me! At the beginning I was a little daunted because I worry that I will be asked questions about my child but nothing like that happened really talked about their kids. We were far too busy talking about ourselves and our desires to get back into the workplace. It was really confidence-building, for me. By the end of it I was, sort of ' I don't hope to get a job, I am going to get a job!' And it lasted all day.

I'm trying to put into practice the advice given by Lynn Grabhorn in her self-help book 'Excuse me, your life is waiting'. Think about your wants not with a sad sense of lack, but with joyful feelings...visualise yourself enjoying whatever it is. That way (she reckons) we magnetise our desires. Focusing on 'don't wants' has the same effect...dwell on your fears and they have a nasty way of coming true! Well I'm keeping an open's worth a try! Apparently it's the Law of Attraction at work.

After coming from the workshop I went straight to Learn Direct to my ECDL. Very motivated, you see! Lunch is for wimps! I've been skipping it lately and going straight to dinner...saves calories I guess. Then I shopped for cat food. One of my MATCH letters has not arrived to the membership secretary which is worrying me slightly...In future I am going to make a record of people's addresses. There are three membership forms in that letter!

Start new job tomorrow. Also have to buy son's birthday present from COMET.

Note to self...hardly anyone is reading this blog! I need to work on publicity. And getting people to link to me. Take care all, Zoe.

Sunday, November 25, 2007


Yeah, cause I heard from my boy and he was chatty and full of it. He'd been to see his fave footie team play, yesterday at the Emirates Stadium. Arsenal v Wigan. He gave me a blow-by blow account of the players he saw and what they did...turns out that his foster mum's brother in law is a physio or paramedic or some such...treats the fallen players on the field, so as a result of that they had privileged seats and J got a player's autograph and practically sat next to the subs bench...Wow! It was a real tonic to hear him so bubbly and chatty. He sounded so much more confident.

Also he did me a great favour by finally deciding what he wanted for his birthday. A Version 2 Ipod shuffle...apparently it is only 50 quid, and you can download 250 songs onto it. I have strict instructions to get the light blue one, from Comet. That's a's only two weeks till his birthday. He is going to call me on the day.

Been very busy with MATCH post, OA meetings, the my fruit and veg at the farmer's market today. Am anticipating an even busier week, as I start the new voluntary job on Tuesday, and have a Women Like Us workshop tomorrow morning.

Woke up very early this morning, quite a lot playing on my mind. When it came to my turn to share at OA though I was really lost for words. Just couldn't think what to say so in the end I just wound it up quickly. Sometimes I almost seem to forget how to talk...I do spend a lot of time alone, but I like it that way I guess. Still it would be nice to have a special person in my life. After the meeting got the bus with a friend from my regular meeting. I really like her.

Bought some beautiful yellow lilies for my shrine...nice to have some fresh flowers. How many weeks since I stopped all meds? About four? I know I've lost a BIT of weight because a pair of trousers is no longer uncomfortable, although I still could lose some more! My performance index at the gym has risen to 16 four times in a row, so obviously my fitness levels are building. That's got to be the key to losing these extra pounds, although of course muscle does weigh more than fat!

Went to favourite Japanese clothes shop Uniqlo yesterday and bought a beautiful silver padded coat and a purple merino wool cardi. I don't know how they do such amazing quality goods for such low prices, I really don't.

Take care all! Love, Zoe.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Fine and dandy.

Last two days have been quite full and productive. Went for an interview at the local voluntary bureau yesterday actually work there (as a volunteer). I start next week! Which is good because I'm getting fed up with waiting for the other job to chase up references. I've agreed to work two days a week at this one, so that I will still have time for the other one when it finally materialises. Although a little worried at how I will fit my IT studies and exercise at the gym around four days a week of work! The nice thing about the volunteer bureau is they're not too will probably be all right if I go off early sometimes.

Also did my first assessment for the CLAIT qualification. It really was pretty easy...Now I've started on spreadsheets. YAWN! Am learning more at Learn Direct because I can go more at my own pace. Went there today and started the new module. Went to the gym first and worked out hard...beat my own record! My energy levels are really good these days, but sometimes I have to catch up on some extra rest, like yesterday when I went to bed at about eight and slept practically around the clock! Well, my muscles must be using a fair bit of energy, building themselves.

Did my MATCH work earlier. Got to go to OA now. Take care all! Love, Zoe.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

A good weekend.

Yesterday I went to an OA meeting in central London and took the opportunity to pick up some shopping while I was there. Then I went to my current fave restaurant in all the world...Vita Organic in Wardour Street. It's taken over the place in my heart hitherto occupied by Country Life, the boringly named but wonderful Seventh Day Adventist vegan place which alas and alack, is no more. Although I have to say that I like a veggie restaurant that has real heart and soul, and maybe it helped that they all believed in something. Vita Organic is wonderfully conscious of nutrition, but there is no religion or particular spirituality in it that I can discern. Although they are very nice and all.

After that I went to my favourite esoteric bookshop, Watkins. Let's face it, probably the only esoteric bookshop that I know of. And still as brilliant as ever. I really enjoyed just browsing for an hour or two. I just bought a 2008 diary and a magazine, Kindred Spirit. Unusual that I escaped without being tempted by a book, but I've noticed that I'm not reading as much as before and need to clear a backlog of unread books before I buy any more.

Today was cold and weather a bit foul. Went to OA meeting, then to the Farmers' Market, then the gym. Then home and cooked carrot and coriander soup and ate some of it with salad and tofu. Now I am struggling with my recalciatrant computer again. It keeps disconnecting and accessing email is getting harder all the time. I really must phone the ISP. I'm getting really fed up.

Have MATCH post to sort out. Have felt stable and calm all weekend. Been using my new lightbox. Take care all! Love, Zoe.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Just a quick one.

Another beautiful (though short) late autumn day, very cold though. I was up with the lark, needing to get to my test at Learn Direct at nine. It was really hard! Quite a few questions that didn't cover familiar territory at all, or so it seemed to me. But miraculously, I passed with 81%...the pass mark is 75%. That was a relief...I didn't relish the idea of going back over that stuff again...or possibly having to pay to do a retake! The first one is free.

I've got an assessment at my other IT class on Monday too. That will probably be's word processing and file management, which I'm OK at.

After that I went to the gym. Then I had to meet a friend who had asked me to help her draft a couple of letters. Then I came home and heated up some leftovers for lunch. Have done a wash and made a few phone calls. It's just been all go! Now I am going to meet my friends in the cafe. After that I'm planning to go and see the new film 'Brick Lane', based on a novel I really liked, although apparently the actual inhabitants of Brick Lane are not that happy about it. Controversial, shall we say.

Send up a quick prayer for Jasper. His social worker (the new one, a chap) is going to see him and take him out today. They got on well before...I hope (pray) that J will be cooperative and not clam up. He really does need all the help he can get.

Take care all! Love, Zoe.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Still better.

Hi people. A perfectly decent day. Did a full session of yoga and meditation before breakfast, then later my yoga class. Then Learn Direct where I was finishing off assignments, talking to my tutor and preparing for a test on Friday. Then picked up some shopping at the supermarket...and home.

Been thinking a lot about having J back to live with me. In some ways I wish I could. If things don't work out with the placement I don't want him going anywhere else. What is the point? It obviously isn't the fault of the placement...the family are so nice and have done their best. Plus they have a lovely house and he has had the opportunity to go to a good school.

It would be better all round if he could just settle down at the new school and stop giving everyone such a bloody hard time. I can't help thinking he is better off with the foster family than with me but sometimes my heart runs away with my head and I just want him back at any cost. I would hardly be surprised now if I heard that Jo is giving up although perhaps I shouldn't even say that...

Oh J, you always were high maintenance and it seems like nothing much has changed except that you are bigger and even more difficult. Lots of anger, says the link worker. But the good news is I have begun to relinquish my illusions of control...and along with them, the killer guilt. Which gives me permission to go on living and even enjoying my life despite knowing that J is having problems.

As this is 'the withdrawal blog' maybe I should mention that I have now been off all psych meds (yippee!) for nearly three weeks. I am still on shedloads of nutritional supplements but am looking at discontinuing some of them eventually. I certainly am feeling my feelings, but that is a good thing...there has been a need to process quite a bit of grief lately and I am aware of many delicately nuanced emotions passing through my body. I am still on a low dose of HRT and have had no recurrence of any menopausal symptoms.

Aargh, my 'puter keeps disconnecting itself. I'm fed up with it! Another call to the ISP I suppose...Take care all. Love, Zoe.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

A turn for the better...

Hi. Yes, around two this afternoon I had some rye toast with grilled tomatoes and from that point on I started feeling better. Probably nothing to do with the tomatoes on toast but who knows? The Lord moves in mysterious ways...I actually managed to get quite a lot from reading today, after quite a long period when I haven't really been connecting with books. I stayed in all day except for OA in the evening. Managed to do my MATCH work and write Jasper a letter, enclosing the Serenity Prayer on a card with Shiva and Parvati on it. God knows we need a little divine intervention!

At some point today, having read a bit of the fourth step inventory guide and 'Women who love too much' I started to feel halfway human again. I started to think maybe I didn't have to totally, like, go into one (why am I doing that? I'm not thirteen!) I can actually carry on sanely living my life and working the steps to the best of my ability and just not take complete responsibility for my son, for everything he does and is and for how he turns out. In other words, blame myself and marinade myself in guilt and shame for the rest of our lives. I need to turn Jasper over to the loving care of the same Higher Power that I trust with my own life.

Giving up the control, the deluded sense of power over the situation was what I was wrestling with earlier today and previous days...I didn't have any shafts of sudden enlightenment or owt like that, but the appalling pain just if someone, somewhere, had prayed or interceded for me. Some nun in some nunnery somewhere maybe! Maybe I even interceded for myself without realising it.

OA was really good...a really small meeting, but very intense. Three people cried as they shared and I was almost unbearably moved by two of the stories. It was humbling to hear what others had been through. Someone shared her sadness over her mother being bullied, her own feelings of helplessness over it and (probably) the triggering effect (as she had been bullied herself at school). I could relate, because of my own complicated feelings over Jasper being bullied. Horror that he is suffering - also anger and frustration with him for being vulnerable. And the triggering of my own vulnerability to bullying...I felt bullied as recently as this year, when I ended up having to leave my therapy group.

Have to keep's powerful stuff. Love, Zoe.


It hurts so much today that I have had to scale back my activities. I didn't do yoga or meditate. I just prayed and sat still for a long time. I am still desperately worried about Jasper. I spoke to the link worker for the foster family and she went there yesterday and says that Jasper is still 'very angry'.

I am also hurting terribly over Richard. I am in so much pain that I can't do much except sit still and bear it. I can't make sense of it right now, or even think about how to handle it. All I can do is try and endure it. It isn't depression. It isn't mental illness. It's just a lot of grief. I thought of writing some letters today but I can't get beyond 'Dear -'.

I cried before I got up, then cried some more. I didn't want to face another day of this. If Jasper can't hack it with this placement, or they can't cope with him, where in God's name is he going to go? Dealing with my anger and frustration with him is also difficult. What kind of a mother am I to get angry with her son for having problems, especially as some might say I'd partly caused them? I can't say what I feel like blurting out because I don't want anyone to read it and think I am a monster.

I have somehow got to be kind to myself through this. My first reaction is anything but. The inner conflict is so hard to bear. I really have nothing more to say right now. I'm at a loss.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Very sad.

Hi folks. Getting through today's routine activities was a Herculean I'm just relieved it's over. My IT class, then Learn Direct, then the gym, then home and cooked beetroot and coconut soup. For the first time in my life I enjoyed something made from beetroot! The lime juice and coconut milk and other seasonings rounded off the rather full-on flavour of the vegetable nicely.

It was a beautiful day but very cold. I couldn't do my full work-out in the gym, I was too full up with grief. I did manage to release some of it on the way home and when I got here...I just had a good cry. I feel better for it. Not to mention the soup!

I have my lightbox on as I type this. Lots of thoughts about Richard were going through my head. The pain of ending and the pain of the way it's ended. One of those on its own would have been enough, but I've got both and also the Jasper business. Maybe one grief fed into the other. And my old grief of losing Jasper to foster care has been triggered again too. I felt hopelessly lonely.

I hardly know what to say about the Richard thing. When people ask after him I say it's over, and then there's the explaining why. The trouble is I hardly know myself. On the face of it he seems to have wanted to end it rather than be challenged by me about anything. But the face of it means very little when you're dealing with such a complicated person as he is. Yet when people ask I make it sound as if it's me who made the decision. Richard has totally left me in the dark as to what he thinks, what he feels, and why we've split up. And that is really hard. I don't know what to say to people. It doesn't make sense at all.

Was I deluded to think we were ever in a committed relationship? I was thinking earlier of writing him a letter. I can't face sending any more emails. Previous efforts have failed miserably. I don't want to just prolong my own suffering. But the not knowing, the not understanding does make the grief worse. Yet knowing and having total insight is not going to relieve all the pain. But maybe some of it. Shit I feel so confused.

What kind of commitment can be so easily put away for no better reason than that you don't want to be challenged?

Folks, I am not about to get the answers. Thanks for reading...Lots of love, Zoe.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Still pretty low.

I have been really struggling since that meeting on Thursday. It seems to have really triggered me. I went to my Mum's on Friday and stayed over to see my cousin, her husband and kids who were up for the day. The socialising was quite an effort...really I couldn't wait to get back to my own space and as soon as I did, I did feel usual. However I am still having to keep busy to stave off the big D. Today I went to OA in the morning, then to the gym, then came home and did a load of hoovering and dusting, then cooked a meal.

The irony is, I had been looking forward to seeing Jasper, and I really had no idea the meeting was going to be so awful...usually they're not too bad.

Everything is really shite, yet I've managed to do a lot of good things for myself today, starting with a good session of yoga and meditation, plus prayer. I just want Jasper to do good things for HIM self. And stop moaning...put his head down and get on with it. Jesus how bad can it be? One thing I didn't expect was any bullying at this school. It didn't seem like that kind of school at all, but what, you might ask, is that kind of school? I was apprehensive, but more about his behaviour problems surfacing, or him not being able to cope with all the work, but apparently he is doing very well with all that, and has been well-organised and motivated, doing his homework, according to Jo.

I have to read my copy of 'For Today', which has profound thoughts or insights for every day of the year. There is one about letting go of worries about loved ones. I really have a lot of work to do on that score.

Plus I am still hurting over Richard and wish it hadn't ended so badly. It's bad enough it's ended, why the bitterness? That seems to be his way. He always was inclined to be like that...perhaps it's how he handles a perceived rejection. He seems blissfully unaware of the implications of his own, very rejecting behaviour. I am at a loss what to do about it so I will just carry on doing nothing and you can bet your life he will do precisely nothing too. Predictable to the very last.

Take care all...Love, Zoe.

Thursday, November 8, 2007


The review meeting today was purgatorial. Jasper is unhappy at his new school and is being bullied. All my worst nightmares seemed to unfold before felt like an exercise in masochism sitting there while other people detailed everything that is going wrong with him and for him. Can you honestly think of anything worse, for a mother? And he was in silent/sulky mode, refusing to speak or engage with the meeting.

Well we did go for our post-meeting drink...we found a pub that was quite cosy and let kids in. And he did loosen up at bit though it was hard to keep his attention in the busy pub. I gave him one of my pep talks. He gave me a big hug when I went off at the station. It was an incredibly stressful meeting and I thought, my God if ever I was going to go home and 'eat on something' as we say in OA, I would do that now. But I didn't...I just ate a normal, healthy meal.

I told him, in the pub, about the Serenity Prayer. I am going to write it down for him, on a card and send it, because it's something he'll need to really think about, but the thing I was really trying to get across was that he has to understand that there are quite a few things he CAN change as well as certain other things that he can't, and that at the moment I have good reason to believe that he is getting the two somewhat confused.

Jasper can be very frustrating sometimes. He has a tendency to abnegate responsibility for his behaviour. I've always known this and talked to him about it, and now, apparently, Jo is doing exactly the same. Can there be a more important lesson for anyone to learn than that we must take responsibility for ourselves? I only have to think of my Dad...of Jasper's Dad...and to some extent of Richard - to see how this trait can impact on a person's life and not in a good way. My Dad did me a favour in demonstrating to me the perils of blaming everyone else for your problems. Did I want to follow in his footsteps? Heck, no! He was a kind of 'anti role model'.

So you can imagine how I feel when I see Jasper making these mistakes. The difference is that he is young and still learning. What can I do but pray? And keep talking to him about it, and thank God, Jo does the same and as I said to him today, hopefully the two of us have a drip drip drip effect, like raindrops wearing away stone.

Well I'll need to be in touch with my HP quite a lot over the next weeks and months, asking for help and guidance, and just praying for my boy. There is so much he can do to help himself, and really, only a limited amount that others can do, however well-meaning. It is the hardest thing to take a step back. You don't want your beloved only son to suffer at all and yet he has to go through's a challenge, even a rite of passage that he has to face and survive and I know he can do could even be the making of him.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007


'Delivery to a certain ex-partner's email address has been delayed'. How bleeding symbolic is that!!! That really sums up our relationship! It's like shouting at aliens from Planet Earth with a megaphone! It's like bloody Chinese whispers only with just two of you.

All day long I've had a running subtext, phenomenally monotonous in nature, mainly consisting of repeating over and over to myself the magic words 'it's over'. But it's amazing how productive I've managed to's barely distracted me at all from anything important.

Went to the Women Like Us introductory workshop in the's an organisation which helps women returners get back to work. They were nice and very professional, and they seem to have a lot to offer, though I felt a bit self-conscious in case anyone asked me about my precise family circumstances. They didn't though.

Then I went and had a look at the North London Buddhist Centre. Then I picked up some lunch, Chinese veg, then back to Learn Direct, then the gym, then OA (Overeaters Anonymous). It was a brilliant meeting, a lot more people than there's been for a few weeks, and an excellent chair. There wasn't time for everyone to share and I didn't but it didn't matter really because I had a chance to talk to some of the people I feel close to. And generally I felt I was coming out of myself...I have to go through a certain pain barrier sometimes, verging on social phobia, but if I'm determined enough and have good energy, like today, I make it through. I have to start by sounding quite awkward sometimes but just keep pushing through that until I re-learn the art of conversation.

Someone was there who I know from the mental health scene, and I could feel his depression, he was sitting next to me. I had tried to reach out a bit, but I felt a bit guilty when he said he didn't really feel supported in our meeting.

Then I came home and watched 'Flight of the Conchords' which is quite simply the ONLY thing worth watching on the whole of British TV at the moment. And, naturally, it's from New Zealand!

Take care all...Love, Zoe.

Monday, November 5, 2007

A good day but emotional.

Goodness my titles really tell it like it is don't they. No more and no less. Well regular bloggers will no doubt know that it isn't always easy to think up a title, and I invariably start with mine. It might be an idea to blog first and title after, I haven't tried that. But my titles are honest - if dull.

Well it was a productive and full day in that I went to class in the morning and Learn Direct in the afternoon, then to the gym for a full work-out (my ankle is OK now) then down to see my friend in the crisis house.

Along the way I noticed I was starting to fulminate about Richard. The anger is kicking in, and the hurt. (After the denial of Saturday!) I probably need to have a really good cry, that hasn't really happened yet. At the moment I am incandescent, and underneath it of course is a lot of pain. Feelings of betrayal, shock, disappointment, disillusionment. It's very painful. I just keep praying for the strength to endure and let it go. And my Higher Power who now has to also double for a Significant Other has totally come up trumps so far.

Best of all is that I am now allowed to feel my bloody feelings! No drugs to dumb me down or chill me out. And no they're not scary and yes they are normal and very real. Which is reassuring.

Take care all...Love, Zoe.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Alone and a bit lonely.

I've had a very solitary day and evening...not so much as a phone call. As always it's pretty much OK during the day but in the evening I start to feel the loneliness. Yet it was a strangely upbeat day. I felt fantastic when I woke up (and very horny). Just as well not many people read this blog! The last three weeks, since the problems started with Richard, I have been virtually dead from the waist down. Suddenly I woke from a highly erotic dream (involving guess who?) absolutely desperate to get my rocks off! You have to laugh!

Then I started to go into a spot of denial, or call it wilful and foolish optimism, about R. I just felt sure we were going to get back together. I toyed with the idea of playfully sending him a text, and luckily refrained.

I did some yoga and meditated (changing positions) and my ankle was certainly less painful and stiff than yesterday. I think that drinking aloe vera gel really helps as it's a natural anti-inflammatory. Rubbing on the cream seemed to help too. Then I had a lovely breakfast of quinoa porridge with apple, seeds, berries and soya yoghurt and rye/corn toast with coconut oil.

Then I went out for the paper. It was an absolutely beautiful morning and really warm! I was in a T-shirt! I just drank in the autumn colours. My favourite time of year, at least in terms of beauty. On my return, I mowed the lawn. That used to be R's job, so there was three week's worth of growth! But I enjoyed doing it. A bit later, I picked some spinach and made Leith's recipe for 'spinach bhaji', also one of their fab recipes for butternut squash and peanut butter soup (curried). Had some of both with some brown basmati rice for lunch. Listened to a pleasingly spooky play on Radio 7. I often listen to Radio 7 on Saturdays, because Radio 4 can be a bit crap.

I sat outside reading in the sun (and later, it did cloud over). Forgot to mention that this morning before I sat to meditate I created a Buddhist shrine with my new Buddha (pink marble). I knew it needed to have incense, flowers and candles. Later I picked some flowers from the garden.

Really the whole day was somewhat like a solitary retreat. Except that I did get an email from R (responding to mine of last night) and then had to respond with two fairly lengthy efforts of my own. I also went down the road to watch Ally Pally fireworks. It's the only night of the year when my road sees so much people traffic! Usually it's so quiet...and I love that about it. I am truly so blessed. In so many many ways.

I've been burning essential oils in a vapouriser...bergamot, geranium and chamomile. Soothing, balancing, uplifting.

Will probably make it to the East Finchley OA meeting tomorrow. Take care all! Love, Zoe.

Friday, November 2, 2007

Oh dear...again!

Last night I had an accident. I was walking back from Dual Recovery Anonymous, was only about ten yards from my front door, it was dark, I was tired and was foolishly not wearing my glasses or lenses. I went right over on my left ankle and ended up lying flat on my back on the pavement! Oh the agony! I knew it was a bad one, because I felt sick. Hobbled home...soon found that my ankle swelled up like a cricket ball. Put some aloe vera cream on it. Also had a grazed right knee.

Slept well, but in the morning the ankle still hurt a lot. Bandaged it, skipped yoga AND meditation, and walked, slowly, into Wood Green to the library to do my course. That was OK...I just have to slow down. Doing OK with the Learn Direct course. It's quite hard work though. A lot to take in. Amazing how much I don't know, and very timely that I'm learning it now. Not only will I need it for the workplace, but I also have to manage my computer stuff more independently now that Richard isn't around.

Just been deleting a load of old emails, sent and received. My deleted file had 700-odd emails in it so I just ruthlessly deleted them. I realise now that letting a load of stuff stack up can affect the efficiency of the workings of the 'puter. You can really tell I'm not a tecchie can't you!

Felt very very sad this evening when I was on my way home. It's Friday night and I know that I'm going to be alone for most of the weekend. No intimacy with anyone. But it was OK. It's natural, normal emotion, nothing to do with depression or mood disorders. I'm thankful to be so normal.

It's about a week since I discontinued the 250mg of Epilim. No noticeable withdrawal symptoms. Maybe just feeling my feelings a little more, maybe that's part of the sadness thing, but it's also the grieving process, which often doesn't kick in right away, it happens over time. Duh, that's why they call it a process!

I feel sorry that the break-up hasn't been mature or sensible. I would have liked to be grown up about it. I'm not into getting bitter and twisted about people that I've been close to. But maybe I have to accept a certain amount of froideur from Richard as the price I have to pay. A sort of double whammy really, because not only have I lost a close relationship but I have to handle the fall-out too.

But Gloria Gaynor and I, you know, we'll survive... Take care all, love Zoe.