Hurting.

It hurts so much today that I have had to scale back my activities. I didn't do yoga or meditate. I just prayed and sat still for a long time. I am still desperately worried about Jasper. I spoke to the link worker for the foster family and she went there yesterday and says that Jasper is still 'very angry'.

I am also hurting terribly over Richard. I am in so much pain that I can't do much except sit still and bear it. I can't make sense of it right now, or even think about how to handle it. All I can do is try and endure it. It isn't depression. It isn't mental illness. It's just a lot of grief. I thought of writing some letters today but I can't get beyond 'Dear -'.

I cried before I got up, then cried some more. I didn't want to face another day of this. If Jasper can't hack it with this placement, or they can't cope with him, where in God's name is he going to go? Dealing with my anger and frustration with him is also difficult. What kind of a mother am I to get angry with her son for having problems, especially as some might say I'd partly caused them? I can't say what I feel like blurting out because I don't want anyone to read it and think I am a monster.

I have somehow got to be kind to myself through this. My first reaction is anything but. The inner conflict is so hard to bear. I really have nothing more to say right now. I'm at a loss.