Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Still better.

Hi people. A perfectly decent day. Did a full session of yoga and meditation before breakfast, then later my yoga class. Then Learn Direct where I was finishing off assignments, talking to my tutor and preparing for a test on Friday. Then picked up some shopping at the supermarket...and home.

Been thinking a lot about having J back to live with me. In some ways I wish I could. If things don't work out with the placement I don't want him going anywhere else. What is the point? It obviously isn't the fault of the placement...the family are so nice and have done their best. Plus they have a lovely house and he has had the opportunity to go to a good school.

It would be better all round if he could just settle down at the new school and stop giving everyone such a bloody hard time. I can't help thinking he is better off with the foster family than with me but sometimes my heart runs away with my head and I just want him back at any cost. I would hardly be surprised now if I heard that Jo is giving up although perhaps I shouldn't even say that...

Oh J, you always were high maintenance and it seems like nothing much has changed except that you are bigger and even more difficult. Lots of anger, says the link worker. But the good news is I have begun to relinquish my illusions of control...and along with them, the killer guilt. Which gives me permission to go on living and even enjoying my life despite knowing that J is having problems.

As this is 'the withdrawal blog' maybe I should mention that I have now been off all psych meds (yippee!) for nearly three weeks. I am still on shedloads of nutritional supplements but am looking at discontinuing some of them eventually. I certainly am feeling my feelings, but that is a good thing...there has been a need to process quite a bit of grief lately and I am aware of many delicately nuanced emotions passing through my body. I am still on a low dose of HRT and have had no recurrence of any menopausal symptoms.

Aargh, my 'puter keeps disconnecting itself. I'm fed up with it! Another call to the ISP I suppose...Take care all. Love, Zoe.

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