Monday, November 12, 2007

Very sad.

Hi folks. Getting through today's routine activities was a Herculean I'm just relieved it's over. My IT class, then Learn Direct, then the gym, then home and cooked beetroot and coconut soup. For the first time in my life I enjoyed something made from beetroot! The lime juice and coconut milk and other seasonings rounded off the rather full-on flavour of the vegetable nicely.

It was a beautiful day but very cold. I couldn't do my full work-out in the gym, I was too full up with grief. I did manage to release some of it on the way home and when I got here...I just had a good cry. I feel better for it. Not to mention the soup!

I have my lightbox on as I type this. Lots of thoughts about Richard were going through my head. The pain of ending and the pain of the way it's ended. One of those on its own would have been enough, but I've got both and also the Jasper business. Maybe one grief fed into the other. And my old grief of losing Jasper to foster care has been triggered again too. I felt hopelessly lonely.

I hardly know what to say about the Richard thing. When people ask after him I say it's over, and then there's the explaining why. The trouble is I hardly know myself. On the face of it he seems to have wanted to end it rather than be challenged by me about anything. But the face of it means very little when you're dealing with such a complicated person as he is. Yet when people ask I make it sound as if it's me who made the decision. Richard has totally left me in the dark as to what he thinks, what he feels, and why we've split up. And that is really hard. I don't know what to say to people. It doesn't make sense at all.

Was I deluded to think we were ever in a committed relationship? I was thinking earlier of writing him a letter. I can't face sending any more emails. Previous efforts have failed miserably. I don't want to just prolong my own suffering. But the not knowing, the not understanding does make the grief worse. Yet knowing and having total insight is not going to relieve all the pain. But maybe some of it. Shit I feel so confused.

What kind of commitment can be so easily put away for no better reason than that you don't want to be challenged?

Folks, I am not about to get the answers. Thanks for reading...Lots of love, Zoe.

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