At work. Had a mixed weekend with some very difficult moments. Richard came over and I found myself struggling with big-time anger, resentment, hostility and so on. He did stay, for two nights in the end, and we watched the INCREDIBLE Men's Final at Wimbledon. We both calmed down. But I still feel fairly wrung out and exhausted from it all.
It's pissing down with rain today, which I usually find quite therapeutic. Being at work has helped me to feel more human, but I am still really wrestling with a sense of being sub-human, worthless, defective and so on. I also feel like an outsider everywhere I go. When I am well and reasonably positive I don't particularly aspire to having all the conventional trappings. (Marriage, kids, career). When I am like this I haven't the confidence to accept my difference. I am just full of the most painful envy towards others (even close friends) for what I perceive I lack.
It's horribly painful. I'm back at home now and have to deal with that too. But I'll get there. I've been reading Sally Clay's articles on her website (link on my blogroll) and drawing a lot of strength from that. There's a woman who's really and truly been there! More soon...Love, Zoe.
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I deal with the same feelings. I never did "Fit In" and I've always been looking in from the outside. I was this way since my dad died when I was eleven. Everything started changing after Dad died. It was the first traumatic event of my life that triggered depression which went unnoticed by me (my family knew but never said anything) for over thirty years until my first "attempt".
I go through some strange mood swings that put people off. I don't trust anyone because I hear their voices later in the day when they aren't there and I think... They are In On It.... whatever "IT" is. I've yet to figure that out. I also get manic which instead of being the Happy La, La manic, is the Angry, People Suck manic. I let it all out on those who care about me and who are closest to me. There are very few of those people let in my life. It is a lonely place to be but I did it to myself. I have no friends aside from my boyfriend. I have two wonderful children who also suffer from this disorder, and my mother who still loves me somehow. That's it. I don't dare get close to anyone for fear they'll be "in on it" too and I'll hear their voice added to the others.
I can't take anymore voices than I already have and as it is, I'm finding a lot of difficulty dealing with those.
I pray for people who suffer from these disorders and pray they do not experience what I do. It is a daily struggle to keep my head above water and not want to jump 50 feet into the water, never to surface again.
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