It's official.

At a quarter to nine this morning I got a call from the doc that I saw last week. She told me that the test results confirmed that I was in menopause. I asked her if I could see her rather than wait a whole week to see my own doc, to talk about what to do next. She agreed and gave me an apointment for three o'clock this afternoon. It's a relief to be able to cut out another week of waiting. She said I would need a bone density test because this is earlyish to be in menopause.

I feel a bit numb and still quite vulnerable but I did cheer up over the weekend and I'm feeling stronger than I did. In some ways after what I've been through recently it is a relief to finally get this news. My periods were so irregular and light for so long, it was damned inconvenient and unsettling, so the thought of no more periods ever is not completely unwelcome. And the hot flushes and sweating had accustomed me to the idea that I was indeed finally there after the years in perimenopause, so it's not as if it was a shock. However it is a loss and there is a grieving process involved, especially as I have lost my only child to foster care and now know I will never have another.

It seems that the symptoms which I at first took for withdrawal are at the very least partly down to these hormonal changes. Maybe the severity of it in the last few weeks particularly was because of the double whammy effect. Anyway for the time being I am back on 1000mg sodium valproate and I will discuss tapering the dose - GRADUALLY - at a later date with my psychiatrist when I see her on Wednesday. First I will get started on the HRT and see how that goes. I have ideas about what I want to ask for from reading a book about menopause. Rather than tablets I would prefer the Mirena coil and oestrogen gel. I hope she won't be dogmatic about what she thinks I should have. If she is I will just wait and see my own doc next week. There may be some trial and error involved anyway.

I am quite shattered and quite shocked. When I first realised I was probably heading for an early menopause I was profoundly upset but I've had a few years to get used to the idea. Still I am pretty punch drunk from last week which was one of the worst ever frankly. I've just got to take it easy, be good to myself, not be too demanding.

Take care all. Zoe.