...and hope I will be out of my little trough soon. I guess I was a bit gung-ho about the work thing to start out with. The other shoe had to drop...is that the right expression? Well anyone bipolar knows the score. The knack is to ride these mood waves and prevent them from derailing us too badly...but if I am forced to pretend normality I am afraid I will fail every time. For God's sake, I'm working in a mental health organisation and I already feel pressured to keep the mask up. Because it's an office and I'm on the reception desk! If it was at all a busy reception I think I would chicken out of it...it's just too exposing for my hypersensitive little bipolar soul!
Anything regarding work is a steep learning curve for me. I've been, in some ways, privileged to be able to do my own thing for years and years without having any significant money worries or restrictions. Now I'm discovering something about how the other half live. My ego is having to take a battering, and my self-esteem is suffering too. I basically feel like the office dogsbody...I'm the only volunteer and it can't be coincidence that I'm having to do stock-checking (YAWN!) post franking and entering lists of names and figures in a book for the finance department. Is it for this that I got a first class degree in languages?
Whither my grandiosity! Still there, but in reduced circumstances! I have to withhold any conclusions about my current work situation because, please note dearest reader, I'm a little bit low! I have to bite my tongue, which feels like giving vent to an outbreak of Tourette's, and play the good, docile office worker. My ego has to bear feeling incompetent and clumsy at even these most basic of tasks.
I'll give it time. And as I'm only doing two days a week I have plenty of time to scan the job market. Surely a paid job can scarcely be harder work than bloody volunteering! Take care all...Love, Zoe.
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