Monday, March 24, 2008

Just keepin' on keepin' on.

Hi y'all. Well, I've had my week off. It's been mixed, but at least partly enjoyable. Today I met some chums from Dual Recovery Anonymous in Euston. We went for a fab slap-up veggie Indian meal at Diwana's in Drummond Street, then crossed the road to the Wellcome Institute which has a fascinating free exhibition of artefacts from the Wellcome collection. Quite an eclectic mix with a vaguely medical and scientific theme. From Darwin's walking stick, Florence Nightingale's shoe to a mummified corpse, Hieronymous Bosch's paintings and Japense erotica. Really weird, wayout and wonderful. We really enjoyed ourselves, then went for a cuppa in their beautifully designed, minimalist cafe. Chewed the fat thoroughly about some of the drawbacks of Twelve Step fellowships for people with mental health problems. It was very refreshing and fun and pretty much totally un-stressful..

I cheered up a lot in the course of the day having been glum in the morning despite a workout in the gym. I was anxious too about going back to work tomorrow. But I travelled back on the bus with my good friend and she somehow eased my mind by understanding my issues around work...and pinpointing them as about rehabilitation into the 'normal' world... gaining acceptance, challenging stigma and alienation. If it was easy, well probably a lot more people would 'return' from serious mental health issues to tell the tale and be fully rehabilitated. As it is, we are the exception that proves the rule. Just being so well understood by someone who really knows me well, I felt a weight lift off me...a weight of shame, twisted-up feelings, hurt, wounded ego, dread, fear and heaven only knows what else.

She said maybe the work issues are triggering these moodswings up to a point. It's a chicken and egg, both things fed into each other. One thing is for sure. I cannot butt out now. I'm in the middle of the pain barrier and must keep on pushing through it until the pain eases and I begin to see clearly what my issues really are. At the end of it I'm doing this for me. It's a discipline akin to getting up at six-thirty to do yoga and meditate. Sure I would rather stay in the comfort zone of my warm bed. I just know that this chrysalis stage can't last forever, and I must keep pushing through until I burst out into the Spring sunlight.

Lots of love. And if you are reading, do drop by and say hi! It gets echoey in here!

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