Thursday, March 27, 2008

Hurting.

I'm still struggling with depression. Heartily wish I didn't have to do any work at all right now but instead am doing the minimum. Also postponed my contact with my son from this weekend to next. Gives me a chance to see my doc on Monday and see what can be done. I would like to get a salivary hormone test, as the blood tests I have had before don't seem to tell you very much and can be misleading in my experience. Don't know if my doc can or will refer me to this service.

Some of this may be triggered by psychological issues, such as my difficulties around work and relationships. Even I have got to be shocked by the degree of tension, anxiety and sheer dread I experience at the thought of the workplace. A lot of it is centred on the people I have to interact with at work. I am experiencing a crippling shyness, partly stemming from my feeling of inadequacy and inferiority around work. I didn't think working in a quiet office or in a library - a library for God's sake - would expose me too much socially, but remarkably, it does. Or rather, when I feel vulnerable, which is quite frequently, I can't cope with 'normal' social interaction at work.

For the first time since I withdrew from meds I am facing the fact that my pre-existing problems have not miraculously disappeared. Back to the goddamn drawing board. Thought I'd better check in but haven't the strength or the inspiration to write any more now. Zoe.

3 comments:

aethelreadtheunread said...

Hi Zoe,

Sorry to hear you're not feeling so good right now. I find it almost impossible to do anything when i'm depressed, so the fact you're managing to do something as stressful as hold down a job in the middle of it is really impressive.

I hope you're feeling better soon, and let us know how you get on,
A.

Gianna said...

I found working in a library incredibly stressful...though I was on the front desk and it was a steady stream of people...in any case...libraries are not calm mellow places my any means much of the time.

I hope you feel better soon....you do come through this stuff again and again---I've seen you do it before---not that that feels any good, I know.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much, both, for your kind and thoughtful comments. Above all, just thanks for breaking the unearthly silence in my blog! I have resolved to read more of other people's blogs, and comment, as a wily way of getting links going. Also, I joined a netring! I await a sudden overwhelming flood of traffic...nothing much so far!