Monday, March 17, 2008

Like wading through wet concrete...

...that's my life at the moment. Started at the library. The morning was fine when I was being given my induction. In the afternoon though I was a bit daunted at having to go on the counter and deal with the public. There are loads of fiddly little things to learn have to use a scanner and a mouse. I felt terribly inadequate.

What was even worse than of the customers was a woman I'd been in a therapy group with. I had ended up leaving because I basically couldn't handle what I felt at the time were remarks that crossed the line. I've never really regretted leaving, though at the time I felt pushed out. Anyway she was friendly and I was friendly back, she wasn't really the one I had a problem with although she was a kind of catalyst that affected the dynamics of the group.

But oh my God I didn't want her to see me make a fool of myself on my first day in a new job. Seeing her just made me feel even more painfully exposed than I did already. Then she was talking about her daughter. It all just fed right into my depression, low self-esteem and sadness over Jasper not ringing and not sending me a birthday card. I can't help feeling there's got to be a reason for it. And I'm already low, ready to read negative interpretations into...whatever. Roll on the CBT seminars that I'm booked onto in April. Any sense that I no longer require therapy was premature.

I was just relieved to get out of the library, and become anonymous in the street again. It will probably take me a while to process all of this. These feelings, which are making my life intermittently hellish. I've also got to do things like contact Jasper's social worker. I've bought him an Easter egg and card which I've wrapped up all ready to send tomorrow. Thank God I don't have to work for the next week...the servers are down at my other job and my line manager phoned to say I needn't come in. We also have the Easter weekend. Usually I don't care for bank holidays but the way I feel right now I'm just relieved I don't have to struggle on at work.

I did feel better for awhile after doing some shopping for Jasper's egg and some hairdye, etc. My hair is utterly disgusting today...all greasy and lank. But I'm too wrung out to do the dye job tonight.

One of the few things that helps me feel somewhat OK is doing my yoga in the morning, and meditating and praying afterwards. At times like this, though it's hard to even get out of bed, I need these things more than ever. For the first time since I came off psych meds I am seriously contemplating going back on them. Well maybe not seriously, but contemplating. And I've booked an appointment to see my doc to discuss the moodswings and the HRT. Take care all, a weary Zoe.

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