Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Good Lord!

Someone from a Brazilian blog promoting 'Smartphone' commented on my last entry...nice comment, shame about the blog. Not that I could understand it, it might be the deepest postmodern irony for all I know...Then again can beggars be choosers? Well OK, just for the record, comments are great but if you are selling something, don't bother! Thinks, did I mention phones in my last entry? It reminds me of those Orange mobile ads you get at the cinema...'Lord of the Ring Tones'.

Anyway, down to business. I have had a good few days. Had an almighty row with Richard at the weekend (anyone discerning a pattern here?) Was completely overwhelmed and overpowered by my feelings of frustration and hopelessness about our relationship. Seemed to have little choice but to watch myself turn into that all-too-familiar monster once again. It reminded me of past relationships when I was (even more) immature and just fell into the wrong kinds of connections which made me feel stifled and trapped. I fear that more than almost anything else, and in fact in later years the choices I've made in relationships reflect the need to feel free and independent even though the reality is, I'm not. Hence, I've never lived with Richard. He has always stayed in his house and I in mine.

Well now that I'm doing CBT perhaps I am less inclined to analyse why I feel that way and more to look at the processes and mechanisms that tend to create those feelings with a view to stopping. Certainly, after my last sojourn into psychoanalytical group therapy, and then discovering the delights of the 12-step Program, I am very disinclined to keep digging over the past. Been there, got the T-shirt and thanks for all the fish.

Quite enjoyed the session today. A new person showed who is the mother of an old friend of my son's, who I therefore knew quite well from the local school. Also my great friend is in the group. So it's a fun thing to go to, together, and then we go for a coffee and a gossip afterwards. And today I was most delighted and intrigued to hear about a new romance with a mutual acquaintance! I immediately identified with what was going on for her, feeling envious, pleased, excited and fearful for her all at once.

It seems a timely thing that I'm in a CBT group now. My fear of change is making me very intolerant of Richard...yes, although I have made ENORMOUS changes in my life in the last year I am still mighty fearful of making new connections, showing my vulnerability, acknowledging attraction to people and so on. My friend has been able to make a new connection. It may not work out, or it may, but she has basically had more bottle than me, even though she is suffering far more from depression and related states of mind than I am.

At the grand old age of 46 I am realising that there are worse things under Heaven and on Earth than rejection. Like being forever unfulfilled and dying alone and full of regrets for what might have been for instance! I will soon be at the point where I can openly engage in a flirtation with someone I really like! Well, why not think positive. You have nothing to lose but your hang-ups.

Have been asked to do a 'chair' at my local OA meeting. Aargh, was my first thought. Damn, I'll do it was my second, hot on the heels of the first.

Love everyone and everything. Take care! Zoe

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