Tuesday, January 1, 2008

New Year's Day!

Richard stayed the night so we saw in the New Year together. Unfortunately we managed to launch into a row just as midnight was approaching! I ended up shouting myself hoarse and then beating a hasty retreat to the spare room rather than let the situation get any more volatile. It wasn't the most auspicious way to enter a New Year but I'm not superstitious about what is basically just another day.

It was hard adjusting to being back. This has become quite a familiar experience for me even when I'm just returning from a holiday. However, factor in my mood turbulence which kicked in about a month ago. Though in a funny way it is reassuring to know that the bipolar tendency hasn't vanished completely as a result of my lifestyle changes, (imagine if all it turned out to be was an allergy to sugar or sensitivity to caffeine! Wouldn't I be hopping mad?) my moods have intruded into my life and decisions I have made over that time, no question.

It was a mood crash last night that probably caused the row I had with Richard. I had a bit of a low day, felt better in the evening when he came round, but then started to feel insecure and emotionally incontinent again after we went to bed. The contact with Jasper and my Mum didn't go well, largely due to my moodswing. It was in the throes of hypomania that I decided I had to have Richard back! My libido completely went into overdrive and all I could think about was the good times.

Not that I'm saying I regret going back with Richard. I'm just saying, who knows how things would have panned out if I hadn't got a bit high, and written that letter and then asked him to meet me? But that would have required me to be a different person. Someone who maintains an equilibrium, maybe...and who doesn't know what it is to be desperate for sex!

This is all a bit analytical and I hope my dear readers are not getting impatient with me. But that's the nature of the beast, this blog, I guess. To monitor myself, record what happens, see how my life changes as a result of being med-free. It's by no means a foregone conclusion that I manage to stay med-free. But I will certainly be giving it my very best shot.

Gianna mentioned stuff about connecting with passionate and romantic feelings again as a result of the withdrawal. Well I can certainly relate to that, though in my case being on HRT might have done something for the flagging libido. Certainly taking shedloads of nutritional supplements and sticking to a wholefood, sugar and caffeine-free diet probably has all helped. Thinks: was it that 5 types of Ginseng tablet I was taking? Not to mention exercising in a disciplined way, losing fat and gaining muscle...that definitely makes me feel more attractive.

Anyway, when I awoke this morning I did get back into the conjugal bed and somehow from that point on everything was just fine. We had a lovely day...played some music, sang a few songs, went for a walk. He's gone home now.

In the bad old days before becoming very proactive at self-management such a mood fluctuation as I have had in the last month would have likely finished with me being sectioned (forcibly admitted to hospital), or at the very least having to be supervised in the community. There is a world of difference between this and that. That's the hopeful and optimistic thought I want to hold on to at this threshold of a fresh new year. Happy New Year to each and every one of you dear readers...may you be well and happy and may you progress! Love, Zoe.

1 comment:

Gianna said...

Happy New Year Zoe!! I'm glad the day has been nice even if the eve was a bit shaky.