Thursday, May 22, 2008

Hello oh thankless blog!

Yes blog, you are a little thankless. All the literary efforts I pour out here and they are apparently hardly read let alone appreciated! It's almost embarrassing how few readers I seem to have. What is more, blog, while we're at it, sometimes you don't even let potential readers access you. Why blog, why?

I seem destined to struggle on in almost total obscurity. And never to meet that Perfect Partner that I raved so psychotically about in my last entry.

Heard the song that goes 'If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with'? Well that is the story of my life. However I'm feeling a little old for that philosophy, and getting pickier all the time. My so-called psychosis doesn't help. I daren't tell you in bald terms what my biggest and most grandiose delusion is. Any readers that I've accidentally garnered would no doubt scuttle off in fright if I did. Let's draw a veil.

I've developed a sort of tunnel vision in the course of this episode. I hardly look to left or right. There is very little pleasure in my life. OK, that's part of depression. But the mania wasn't any fun either. I'm pretty much completely anhedonic. I enjoy (sometimes) smoking a roll-up, eating and sleeping. The last, only because there is no consciousness. I don't wake up depressed. I am still a morning person.

This episode has resulted in an almost complete personality change in many other ways though. I mean, smoking! After three years 'clean'! Eating shedloads of sugar! After being Patrick Holford's Number One disciple. Drinking coffee again...ooh how lovely it is to have the license to do that!

Still have my gym membership but not the physical or mental strength to get down there just yet. My life is still struggling to right itself, like one of those toys with weight in the bottom. However I did get to my yoga class yesterday and managed to do the whole practice which I was pleased about.

Still have the Crisis Team coming round which feels more like a duty I have to perform than something I actively take spiritual sustenance from. But they have acted in good faith throughout so I must return the compliment.

Am attending Dual Recovery Anonymous meetings which are more than a duty. However, do find going all the way into central London a bit of a trial to the nerves. Try to shelter behind the armour of my Ipod as best I can. Am simply overwhelmed by the utter futility of most people's lives. Which is sort of a reversal of the usual depressive story...where it's your own futility that overwhelms you most. I am still meekly waiting to inherit the earth...'if that's all right with the rest of you'.

I know, I'm grandiose, psychotic, lacking in insight. There's nothing you can tell me about that that I don't know and worse, have to live with every day. Pity me, don't judge I beg you! I have given up on fitting in. I never will. I'm not normal and believe me I really have given it my best shot.

Take care dear peeps. Love, Zoe.


Jane said...

I linked your blog today btw. :)

I hope this finds you are doing well Zoe!

It has been hard for me to visit all the blogs I would like to. Been very busy with my own stuff.

Post titles, tags and categories can make some difference in directing traffic. I am really not a sorceress at it myself.

take care for now!

Zoe said...

Thanks so much Jane for that helpful advice, I will act on it, and for linking to me. Love, Z

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