Yesterday had our afternoon with J. It went really well. However I was a bit hypersensitive because I am recovering from an episode, and I overreacted (afterwards) to a few things he said (about my weight and my frisbee-throwing!) Kind of exploded at Richard in the evening. He was very restrained really, considering the state I was getting in. I was just emotionally overwrought and found the whole thing...the contact, my Mum's presence in my house, the depression, all too much.
However as I say it was a good contact. Enjoyable, quite relaxed, and for once we didn't have to drive for miles. It was nice to take J back to a place that he remembers well from his younger years, with us.
But I am having to readjust to life on earth. When I feel low I think, oh this is it, I'm in for months of this now. When I feel OK I am half waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't entirely know what to expect. This episode hasn't been typical so far, so I don't know how much I will be affected by the depression. Some, though, is pretty much inevitable. I'm also grieving for my good mental and physical health, for the feeling of well-being, optimism and self-belief that I had when I was completely on the programme.
I can get back to it, but I have to face the fact that even with the yoga, the meditation, the careful nutritious sugar and caffeine-free diet, all the supplements and all the exercise at the gym...oh and the 12-Step Fellowships...I STILL got ill.
Despite this being the Blog of my Withdrawal from the Dread Meds, I now find myself back on Depakote. I'm seeing the doc tomorrow and will negotiate for a lower dose but I think I will stay on it for the time being and observe how it seems to affect me. Whether, for instance, it sorts out the rapid-cycling but mild moodswings that were routine before the psychotic episode.
Am supposed to be back to my voluntary work tomorrow. I know that will not feel easy. I will find it hard to face them. But once I've overcome that initial barrier it should get better.
Take care all! Love, Zoe.
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