Thursday, June 5, 2008

Struck down by the Big D.

Have sunk into Depression Proper since the weekend. The contact, with all it's emotional content, triggered a lot of stuff, but in any case, I was going that way. Am labouring under a ton of grief, well actually, I've keeled over under the weight of it. Even more or less took to my bed today. Cancelled one meeting which was going to be too challenging (with J's social worker and manager) and now only... only! have to go for a dental check-up. Pretty much every task I have to accomplish is a source of dread, especially social engagements.

But it's hardly a surprise. It is the nature of the beast. The hard part is accepting that, yes, I am still ill, that despite all my efforts to keep a healthy mind, body and spirit, I still had a breakdown. Am now back on 1000mg Sodium Valproate (Epilim). Have not entirely gone full circle to this time last year. But am still absolutely gutted.

I did, however, manage to do one and a half days back at my voluntary work. That really helped, though obviously it wasn't easy going back. Routine tasks and working for a concern bigger than myself, as part of a team, is one of the most therapeutic things I can do. Also managed some yoga. Gave up smoking early last week. Am eating healthily and not too much. But the sadness feels bottomless and overwhelming. All the losses. Because of this illness.

Take care all.

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