Thursday, June 12, 2008

Whither my self-esteem?

Shattered and in bits. That's what a manic breakdown does to you. You have to start over. It all takes time, and the depression that follows mania isn't pretty. I've known worse. I've been suicidal, making plans. This time I don't even go there. I know this will pass. All the same, it is hideous.

The worst thing for me is the empty feeling of absolute neediness and dependence. I have nothing inside myself, no resources to buoy myself up. It is a horrible blow to my hard-won pride and self-respect to feel like this again.

HOWEVER. I went to work today. I've lasted the whole day, unlike the other day when I went home in the afternoon. I've completed a few routine, fairly simple tasks and been busy most of the day. Yesterday, likewise, I went to Learn Direct at the library and did two and a half hours worth of my course on Presentations. That was also an improvement on what I managed last time. I guess my concentration is improving, despite myself.

And I'm going to my Dual Recovery Anonymous group this evening. I missed it last week, couldn't face the trip across London. This week, despite myself, despite the pain, I am stronger.

I remember feeling OK and more than OK. I remember I had some rapid cycling mood swings but an underlying sense of well-being. I remember a sense of hope and excitement about this new phase of my life. I remember the delight I felt at being able to take my health into my own hands.

I can get all of that back. I repeat. I CAN GET ALL OF THAT BACK. Maybe I will have to take the blasted meds as well. But all those great things I was doing for myself are still just as important.

And I've got my CBT sessions to begin working on the relationship issues, the difficulties with intimacy. I've identified that as a priority area, if not THE priority area.

Love, Zoe.

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