Friday, June 20, 2008

A prolonged whine.

Well I will try not to just give vent to one of those, but can't promise anything. I'm not Ms Stoical, stiff upper lip. When it hurts I cry and prefer to have someone there to hear me!

This week, I have to say, the depression got worse. It's become angry and agitated. My thoughts are my enemy. Even in my sleep there is little peace, because the poison sneaks into my dreams. I couldn't go to work yesterday. I have redoubled my efforts to get into the crisis unit, and it seems the GP has finally sent the risk assessment over, I'm hoping I will hear from them soon, and that they will call me in for an assessment.

However. I have been eating sensibly, healthily and moderately, and enjoying my food. I sleep well. I have been reading Marjane Satrapi's Persepolis, which is a memoir in cartoon form. I listen to Radio 4 and get quite absorbed by that sometimes. I even watched a documentary on TV about the Orthodox Jewish community in Stamford Hill, North London. In other words I do get little windows in between the self-recrimination and harsh judgment of my own thoughts.

I went to my Dual Recovery meeting yesterday which was really good. We went for a coffee afterwards. It's the social contact that I need which at the same time feels safe, because everyone there has experienced mental illness. And I had a chance to share about how I'm feeling in the meeting. Openly and honestly and not having to hold stuff back.

Later today I'm meeting two friends at the cafe. Apart from that there's nothing that urgently needs doing. Good. Take care all. Love, Zoe.

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