Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Struggling with envy and odious comparisons.

My friend has a new man. She has also lost a shedload of weight. She has tons of close friends. She is going to try for a baby. It's all quite difficult and painful for me, in the sorry state I'm in. She seems to have all that I feel I lack. She even gets along well with her mother and speaks to her on the phone most days.

She also has a serious mood disorder (unipolar depression) and is a recovering alcoholic. She has well and truly been through the mill over the last four years, and certainly deserves a break. But I can't really find it in my heart to be happy for her at the moment. I feel too sad for myself, as if her happiness somehow takes away from mine. Ridiculous I know.

This is a confession. I'm not proud of it. I have talked to her about it. She was understanding. She seems a far more accepting, tolerant person than I am. But there I go again. Feeling 'less than', perceiving her as 'more than'.

This too will pass. At least I bloody hope so. It's horrible to feel like this. Zoe.

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