Friday, June 6, 2008

Oh dear.

Depression. It's been a long time since I renewed my acquaintance with this old enemy. Where were you all that time? You peeped in the window and a few times chased me around my living room but were usually gone within a few hours. This is the real thing. The real deal, when you know what you are in for when you go to bed. You know you will awake with dread in your heart at the thought of the day ahead. Sleep is the only release, and it is almost too comforting. The contrast with reality is all the more stark and horrible.

Self-confidence is a distant dream. I feel permanently guilty and worthless. I am overwhelmingly needy and dependent but I spend most of the time alone because I can't face social interaction.

I will have to, when this is over, start over. Find new hope and life. I've always been so good at making fresh starts. Just as well, because how many have I already had to make?

I'm just glad I don't have to do anything and that no-one is depending on me. Crying over my keyboard. Have been down on my knees praying to a silent God. My faith is shattered to tiny bits. With all the effort I made I thought I must surely stay well. That isn't how it works.

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