Sad and serious post.

I am alive. And while there's life there's hope. For God's sake, I've got my physical health and strength. I will survive this. In time I will get up from this corpse of my shattered self-esteem like Plath's Lady Lazarus and walk on. I'm beginning to remember that others survive far worse challenges. This, at least, is all in my mind. No-one died! I wasn't tortured or raped (thank you BBC World Service) and I haven't just survived a car crash in which both my sons died.

I look back at my life before this breakdown with longing. I have lost the innocence of my belief that I could cure this thing with a lot of hard work and just wanting it badly enough. It just doesn't work that way. My friends at Moodgarden don't want this disorder any more than I do. They have probably done their share of denial. After all, that is a part of the grieving process.

Even the lack of understanding and dismissive attitude of relatives is not uncommon. That is denial too. They don't want to take on board that one so near and dear can be a prey to this illness. It is too threatening to all they think they know. They probably have no idea how hurtful it can be to the person with the illness, who is then burdened further by the assumption that the illness is basically their moral weakness, almost a choice.

I have not been blessed with the backing and support of a strong and united family. And in my relationship I have tended to repeat that pattern, choosing someone who is only ever supportive up to a point and who, when the chips are down, I often feel abandoned by. That just means that I need to find and forge strong bonds with my own family of friends. That is not easy for me. My comfort zone is to be alone...until it becomes painful and distressing.

But it is OK to be where I'm at. Even if that's pretty much rock bottom right now. The dance of life is progress, and it really doesn't matter where you start from, the point is to be on the move, growing, developing, moving nearer the light, reaching out more and more to others, breaking down fear.

This is all quite sad and serious. Heck, I'm depressed. But I will rise again. Watch me!