Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Should I wipe this blog?

That's what I was thinking yesterday. The idea had appeal then...I was very depressed and tired all day...but I slept well last night and am rethinking now. What appeals is the idea of making a completely fresh start. But perhaps what I also wanted to do is symbolically expunge the last three months, when everything I had so carefully and effortfully built up seemed to come crashing down.

Removing the blog cannot remove this chunk of my life and the unwelcome realities that it has brought to bear on me.

However, it's no longer appropriate to call this the blog of my withdrawal, as I have had to return to taking psych meds. It is the end of an experiment, an episode of my life from which I learned a lot and which was tremendously hopeful and exciting. I guess with all the benefits of hindsight I had too much invested in an idea. From the loneliness I feel in this depression I need to invest more in close relationships and less in ideas.

It's undeniably a blow to my pride not to mention my self-esteem. It's hard to distinguish the feelings of loss and mourning for my 'failure' from the biological imperative of depression following mania, but I know they are there.

Acceptance is calling me now. Calling me on because I know that there is a future for me and a life. I do not expend much energy contemplating suicide: I have been through this routine so many times before. I have been worse than this, a lot worse, and much more suicidal, but I demonstrated to myself that I could absolutely come back from that place relatively intact and live a good life. All the better for having been to hell, because there is that sense of benediction you get in a resurrection of sorts.

I have not really begun to sum up this experiment and what I have learned from it. I can't do it justice right now. I am grateful for the record I have kept of it here, and as thoughts and reflections on it occur to me I can write them down.

There is no guarantee that I won't have a relapse on meds, any more than there was off meds. I have had breakdowns on them, off them, and in the past they were often precipitated by stressful events. However I have been burned by this experience. For the time being I am on meds. I want to get into some therapy that is a good fit for what I need now, and I will continue to review, monitor and explore my feelings about being on meds as well as how the meds seem to make me feel.

Non. Je ne regrette rien! Zoe.

4 comments:

Mental Patient said...

I think I understand your thinking behind deleting the blog ie. closing a chapter and such. However it would be a shame if you stopped blogging. I think you're very thoughtful in your posts and I hope to keep reading them.

It's also good to hear that things are getting better.

Zoe said...

Thanks MP. It means a lot right now. I am going to 'draw a line' rather than wipe the blog. Change the decor maybe, and definitely tweak the profile and sub-heading. Also plan to frequent others' blogs and comment more.

Zoe said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gianna said...

Dear Zoe,
Hang on...you haven't failed...

You have always inspired me.

I've thought of getting rid of my blog a number of times, but it's really a destructive impulse...I ride it through and it disappears.

thanks for you lovely comment on my blog today.
love to you,
G