Sunday, December 16, 2007

Crash...

Yeah, it's been a rocky two weeks. This is the first major moodswing I've had for a long time... It's Sunday now and I'm picking myself up from quite a nasty crash-landing. Well, I was a bit apprehensive about my Mum coming. The truth is, I'm always apprehensive about her coming. And with the benefit of hindsight I just wasn't in the best shape to deal with her. My sleep has been patchy. On Friday I was still a little hyper. For sure, it was nothing compared to how I used to get.

Anyway on Saturday we went down to Jasper's home town, met him at the station as arranged and went to a stately home...which was also a train and taxi ride away. For the first hour or two it wasn't too bad, though J was pretty sullen and quiet at first. But I was also really tetchy, because my Mum was just being, my Mum. She goes into vague mode. I suppose it's her defence...a lifelong habit and not one she's going to give up now. I feel like everyone is pressuring me, I have to be the one to make everything OK. Anyway, I guess I failed at that, because J started to complain of boredom and generally get difficult after we'd been there for a while. And between the two of them I just couldn't hack it. I ended up walking away from them...twice. The second time, I called us a cab to the station, then I ended up walking while they got the cab. It was about half an hour's walk along a busy road. But I just had to get away from them both. I reached the end of my rope.

Anyway, I didn't even know if I would make it to the station, I had to guess the route. For all I knew I would miss them and have to go home alone. But thank God, they were still there when I arrived, the train was due in another ten minutes. After that we were all a bit subdued. I was stressing so much I was having catastrophising scenarios going through my head, of my Mum having Alzheimer's. It's not impossible...her Mum had it pretty bad. I tried to talk with Jasper privately to explain that I was worried about her...that was maybe ill-considered, but I really was. He more or less told me where to get off, and walked off. Then Jo, his foster mum, arrived to pick him up. I told her what had happened. We swopped presents and cards, I gave J some money which I had promised. We hugged and kissed. Said 'sorry' and 'I love you'.

So thank God it wasn't a total debacle. Nonetheless, it was traumatic, for me. I realised it would probably have to be the last contact I go to with Mum. And God willing that it won't be the last contact full stop. Mum and I realised talking it over today that there's something about the dynamic of her, me and him that has always set J off. He's much easier with just one of us. Before we always had Richard with us. That might have helped.

Today we kind of had to go to Comet to get a portable heater, because my heating is playing up again and it's freezing. Mum ended up buying me a new vacuum cleaner as well...which I have to admit, I did need. It was a real struggle getting through the rest of her stay. She had been going to stay till tomorrow, but we agreed it would be best if she went today.

It's been a real roller coaster this last two weeks. I work so hard at being well. But no one ever said that that is all it takes. Part of me feels like I've got to be perfect, got to come up with the goods. When I can't, I feel a failure. It's all pretty irrational...

Have been writing Christmas cards. Take care all, and thanks for reading...Love, Zoe.