Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Oh, the pain...

...and no I'm not being melodramatic. I am terribly sad, terribly upset. There are any number of 'triggers'. Christmas for one...The disastrous contact with Jasper on Saturday. The implications of it...that I just can't handle my Mum, and Jasper. Then there's the Richard thing. He managed to finally write me an email. He managed to say almost nothing in it...as is his wont. Talk about non-committal! And I've had a mood swing, after all this time when things have gone so well. I've had a real wobble.

I went to work today. Actually, even though I didn't enjoy it one tiny little bit, it was the best thing I could have done. Staying occupied and keeping myself distracted. And soon there will be the holidays and it'll be impossible to even do that.

I've been crying, I'm crying now. I feel truly desolate and so bereft. Surely I must be an awful person, because the three closest people in my life are going to be nowhere near me this Christmas. I have no words to describe how that feels. (I know what you're thinking, 'well, you're having a good go!')



polarpaul said...

The good news is that you're a compassionate person otherwise you wouldn't be crying over not being with them on what's usually an occasion for being with the friends and family who are close to us.

I wouldn't want to minimize your need or right to cry. It seems reasonable given the circumstances.

When you're ready, you'll be able to start up again so don't worry too much about forcing yourself to act in certain ways. Our expectations for ourselves don't always serve us so well.

Zoe said...

Paul, thank you so much, that's a lovely comment. I got to my OA meeting this evening and am a little better...it always works. Human warmth, hugs, fellowship. Not out of the woods but I know I WILL get out of the darn woods...it's only a matter of time.