Friday, August 24, 2007

Aaargh! Disaster!

Oh dear. Well the contact was all set to go ahead as normal and then I got a call from J's social worker. He apparently did not want to go to contact. He eventually agreed to go for at least a couple of hours after his foster mum talked him round.

The effect on me of this news was pretty devastating. I had already been pretty upset by the last phone call. He seemed angry with me but I couldn't work out what it was really about. It had preyed on my mind for the next week. And now this. Just when I was so looking forward to seeing him. Now I am dreading it, to be honest.

Reasons? Oh, he is big now, he doesn't want to be called babyish names - like sweetheart or whatever. And he doesn't want to be smothered with affection. The real reasons? Well I know my boy pretty well and even I am stumped but I think it's to do with difficult emotions that he doesn't want to face and a need for some control.

He seems to want to make a point...and has succeeded although we are not entirely sure what the point is. I guess it's that ' I'm growing up, treat me with respect and even a certain distance'. The thing is that's not a problem for me at all. I can do that. I just want to see him. I experience that as a need and I have to accept that maybe, for him, it isn't. At least not to the same degree. He has his emotional needs met elsewhere now.

Anyway my immediate problem is coping with this. My mum is already here and I found her reactions really unhelpful. She didn't really react properly to the news, she just went straight into 'analysis' mode. Obviously she is upset, but she didn't express that. And her analysis was all over the place. It would have been better if she could just have expressed sorrow. Then at least we would have had some solidarity with one another, instead we just kind of rowed, and that within five minutes of her arriving. Can you believe it!

However the point is not how well my mum copes or doesn't cope. The point is, how do I deal with all of this. I've now got to deal with a prickly relationship as well as possibly seeing J only for two hours, depending on his whim tomorrow. Richard also has to be factored in. He doesn't handle conflict well. I have to be really careful what I say to him.

So although it isn't looking that good from where I'm sitting now if I just take it as it comes and worry not about the morrow it will probably not be the irretrievable appalling disaster that my brain is pre-programmed to believe will occur.

And the cat has had her 'dental' - one tooth out and the rest scaled and polished. I have to pick her up from the Animal Hospital tonight at seven. Thanks for hearing me...I feel better for getting this out. Take care all, Zoe.

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