As I thought...

...it wasn't that bad. It wasn't brilliant, but it wasn't bad either. In the end we had four hours with J. It was a glorious hot day after a fairly miserable week. It has occurred to me that maybe J would be happier just to see me on my own. I will probably offer to do that next time.

Anyway it seems he has settled well with the foster family. Maybe there are some loyalty issues for him. Perhaps I should let this go for a while and stop beating my brains trying to understand what is going on. So much I don't see or know about, but I do trust the foster family...they are lovely people.

It's Bank Holiday Monday, never my favourite day. It's just another Sunday when you aren't working. My Mum left late yesterday afternoon and Richard went off this morning. I'm slightly at a loose end but feeling a little tired in any case so maybe I should take it easy today.

I have remained on 500mg Sodium Valproate and the withdrawal effects seem to be settling down. I'm not getting so many hot flashes and I'm not seriously fatigued, however I have been having problems with insomnia...waking at unearthly hours of the night and lying awake. Now I am unsure if I am in menopause. I'm only 45 but I had some gynaecological work done in my thirties which seems to have affected my hormones: my periods have been irregular and a bit sketchy for some years now. I feel a sense of loss over that...I don't feel mentally ready for 'The Change' but I guess I may have no choice.

This physical stuff is tied up with my mental illness as well and a part of the incalculable losses I have incurred as a result of it. I contracted Pelvic Inflammatory Disease probably as a result of having the IUD (coil) - I would not have had the IUD if it wasn't for the bipolar which made me sexually vulnerable at times (and I had to have three abortions). I ended up spending six weeks on a drip in hospital after an operation to remove cysts from my ovaries and fallopian tubes which led to complications. As a result I have been infertile since I was 37. And the problematic periods since my early 40's.

So yeah I am a little downbeat today. I heard last week that I had got into the University I applied to, to do an MA. I think on balance I will go ahead with it this year, but opt to do the course spread over three years.

Take care all. Love, Zoe.